Who am I?
Art Crash Details:
I received and collected
over 500 requests for my Art Crash. Some were from readers, others
from friends, and others from celebrities who were nice enough to respond
to a weirdo asking if he could paint anything for them. Below is a
breakdown of what the hell you're looking at...and why.
Paintings that were not request-related are labeled as such.
Let me just get the celebrity
requests out of the way, because this is the only page that I'll mention
it. All of the people below are directly or indirectly responsible
for getting me where I am at this moment. That's not as emo as it
sounds. Also, if you're buying paintings, use the file name to let
me know NOT the titles present here on the details page.
Christopher Moore, the author of Practical
Demonkeeping, Lamb, and other great books, was awesome for his suggestion
that I paint a "psychotic stuffed bunny rabbit murdering the other toys in
the closet." While I strayed a little from that, I'd like to think
the spirit is there.
Josh Weinstein, the original Tom Servo of Mystery
Science Theater 3000, came up the evil suggestion that I set up a loop of
a song that I hate and see what I paint after listening to it for an hour.
This was the result of 60 minutes of exposure to "Peanut Butter Jelly
Time." Josh also suggested that I do the same thing but with a song
that I like...but I'm saving that for another crash.
Ryan Estrada wanted me to paint Kim Jong Il, the
dictator of North Korea. Fun Fact: Kim is one of the few
dictators to act as a producer for a giant monster/guy in a rubber suit
horror movie. Here he is with a rendering of "The Pulgasari", a
giant bull/dragon that eats metal. Dictators that sponsor Godzilla
Kaja Foglio, the feminine half of the unholy Foglio
alliance that's brought of Girl Genius amongst other things, suggested I
paint "Rats eating the Moon."
Matt, one of The Brothers Chaps that brings us
Homestar Runner, wanted to see "Gorillas and Astronauts together."
Liam Lynch, better known to some as the voice of
Olly from the sock puppet show "Sifl & Olly", suggested I paint "seahorses
Jason Yungbluth, the cartoonist behind "Deep Fried",
suggested I draw a psychadelic-colored Man-Thing wearing sunglasses.
While I copped out in regards to the sunglasses, I think I got the colors
Colin Smythe is Terry Pratchett's agent....and he
acts as the gatekeeper in regards to what Terry gets to read and what
Terry doesn't. Instead of trying to get past him, I emailed Colin to
see if he'd suggest something. To my surprise he recommended I try
painting a few things from the Dungeon Dimensions.
Scott McCloud, father of the 24-hour comic and
elusive online....um..."guy", suggested I paint something with umbrellas
and hooks. So I did.
Joe Bob Briggs, the man who's been reviewing bad
movies since before I was born and was also the host of TNT's
Monstervision, suggested I paint "an exploding green head, attempting to
"Mr. Skullhead", one of the major people responsible
for bringing us the game Kingdom of Loathing, suggested I paint "deformed
kittens on bikes." Personally I like my spin on it.
Apologies go to science-fiction author John
DeChancie....I totally failed at his request to paint a skyline/cityscape.
After a few failures, I had to settle for simply doing a bizarre rendition
of Berlin's Radio Tower.
No...Neil Gaiman did not ask me to paint this.
One person's been trying to get me to paint the Sandman for a long time
and another requested that I paint the Corinthian. I'm pretty happy
with how it turned out.
"Progress." During day 6 or so of the Art
Crash, I had an appointment with a therapist. He drew this really
simple chart marked "progress" and I ended up stealing it so I could paint
it. And yes, I scheduled the appointment during the Art Crash
intentionally...it was just too fitting to resist.
"I finally found you", based off the request of the
"Ambush Blue", based off the request that I paint "a
steampunk warrior fighting a Lovecraftian monster."
"Untitled", based off the request that I stop
Not a request at all, but my response to the whole
"Danish comic" situation going on now. "Thou shalt not draw the
"I have the Power", based off the request that I
draw He-man and Skeletor doing something they shouldn't. I think I
got artsy and sidetracked, and just ended up painting He-man, Skeletor,
and an implicative Castle Greyskull.
"Harvest", from the multiple demands that I paint
more Grim Reapers.
"The Hunting Grounds", created because about 8
people asked to buy the other werewolf painting, and I wanted to see if I
could do something more dramatic than the first one.
"Rapid Rabbit", based off the webcomic character of
the same name.
"Samurai Phantom", based off the 3 people asking me
to paint Samurai of one sort or another.
"Running Man", based off the request "The Escape."
"Facets." Not a request but a pretty fun
experiment seeing how many faces I could weave onto a page. For even
more fun, try looking at it upside down.
"I think Overweight Girls are Totally Hot", based
off the request that I "paint something that makes you confess something
that we otherwise might not know about you." Sadly, I think I may
have mentioned this before, but for some reason it came to mind.
"Nuclear Scarebear", based off the request that I
paint mutant Carebears.
"Cheney's got a Gun", a response to the whole Cheney
shooting his friend in the face and not wanting to apologize for it story.
""Moon Poetry", fan art for Albert Rios and his
soon-to-be-published comic with
Element X Studios. The comic's about a kid who fights robots
from NASA on the moon...knowing that might help that goofy poem make
What the hell is it with everyone asking me to paint
Abe Lincoln? I got like 9 requests that included "Abe Lincoln in a
prom dress", "Abe Lincoln married to Mr. T", and "Abe Lincoln doing
himself." What is it with you people?
I did this one for me. When this website
started, one of the weirdest things on it was a painting of a ninja cowboy
cyborg pirate on a zombie Plesiosaur. So I figured I'd paint it
again. You know, for kicks.
"Mog Dance", from the request that I paint something
from the Final Fantasy series.
"Wrong Turn", based off the request "Electric
"Well-thought out Revenge", based off the request of
the same name.
"Geppetto is plotting", based off the request "scary
"More Time than the World", based off someone
wanting to see what someone having their skin "unflayed" looks like.
"If I give it my tears of sorrow, it won't lay it's
eggs in my hair", based off the totally butchered request that I paint a
chubby goth girl eating spider-flavored chocolates.
"Sight beyond Sight", based off the request
"Lefty's Brood", because how often do I get a chance
to paint a real-life one-eyed goldfish?
"The King's Advisor (is a Lime)." It should
totally bother you that I painted this one exactly as the person requested
I can't remember the original request, but I
knew if involved a cannon, a rainbow, a dinosaur, and a rose.
"Wolfman Self-Control", based off someone's desire
to see me paint a werewolf. This one's really a comic, but since I
paint my comics...you get the idea.
"The Amazing Colossal Woman", based off the goofy
fact that 80% of all superheroes that can grow to incredibly large sizes
don't wear pants. Seriously, Apache Chief, Elasti-Girl, Giganta...did
no one think about that when they were designing the character? Oh
no, it's Apache Chief's junk blocking out the sun! Run children,
Brightman, the lightbulb-themed Megaman boss.
For some reason, this one got missed when I was scanning in all the other
"Doctor Zoidberg", based off the request that I
paint something from Futurama.
This one was based off the fact that I can't really
explain why my screen name is "Oh God the Rats."
"The Terrordactyl", based off both the request
"Minor Villain" and someone wanting me to paint a Scooby Doo monster.
"Head like a Hole", just an ink experiment.
"Mr. Spiderhead", a total perversion of someone
asking me to paint Spiderman.
Because I love the Wizard of Oz, that's why.
"Goblin Spirits", based off the fact that I got
white ink as a gift and didn't know how to use it.
"HOLY CRAP THAT'S REALLY, REALLY OFFENSIVE."
Someone asked me to paint the most offensive cartoon that I could think
of. While I don't think this is the MOST offensive thing I could
have made, the idea of a transforming special needs school bus that shoots
the mentally handicapped out of a cannon as if they were artillery shells
is pretty high up on that list. You really don't want to see the
original design of this page. It had "action" panels. :sigh:
Don't blame me. You requested this crap.
Another experiment involving mixing ink with
"Blind Demon", based off the request that I paint
something blindfolded. If you look closely you can see where I kept
my fingers on the page to keep track of where lines began or ended.
Also I cheated when this dried by added a light wash of black to highlight
the original painting (and to make it not look like total crap).
"Armored Glare", based off the suggestion that I
paint Lex Luthor in his "krytonite battle armor." I may be geeky ,
but man, you guys really want me to wave that particular banner high.
"Jared repaints one of Scott's comics."
There's this random guy who has a comic that's pretty much nothing but
stick figures...and furries. I never really took a good look at it
until he asked me to paint his character. That's when I found out
that is was pretty funny. Check out the original comic by clicking
"Undead Dragon Dining Room", based off someone's
demand that I paint a very genteel zombie dragon.
"Halloween", based off the multiple "OMG J00 DRAW
LIK TIM BURTON" comments.
A mistake. But it's cool, right?
"The Workforce", based off the fact that it's easy
to paint skulls with black ink and chaotic brush strokes.
"Scenic view from the S-Bahn", based off the request
that I paint "Movement."
"The French Batman", because I thought it was funny.
"Snake Charming", another ink experiment.
I really don't know.
A lot of people like robots. I do too.
Yet another ink experiment.
Someone asked me to paint a "totally hot naked demon
chick." It got a little weird, in the end.
Because someone wanted me to paint a "man on Fire."
"Red Mage", based off a request of the same name.
"Smiling Pumpkin Bomb", oddly enough based off the
request that I paint a Final Fantasy monster. In this case, a
"Bomb." Man, what a creative name for a character that explodes.
"Saphire Rides the Wind" based off a friends
suggestion that I paint characters from his role-playing game. Here,
a blue dragon in human form suffers her village being destroyed by
What was meant to be a cool spectre rising from a
pool of blood was completely bashed on the rocks by the impossibly goofy
expression on its face. So goofy that I couldn't have made that if
"Spooky Clown", based off the request "he's not
wearing any pants." Knowing that, it makes this painting all the
Five people suggested sock puppet paintings.
So leave me alone.
"My Headphones are Exploding", based off the request
that I paint an Ipod strangling someone.
"Goblin auto-targeting system." Because I
thought it was a funny idea.
"The Graverobber", based off the request that I
paint a zombie plundering his own grave.
"The MeatBeast." I give up. What is it?
There were a few astronaut experiments, this was one
that I did by submerging the paper underwater on a tray, a technique I
haven't used for a long while.
"The Elephant Man", experiment with ink.
"The Hooded Thing", based off the request that I
paint Oogie Boogie from Nightmare before Christmas. I've got mixed
feelings when it comes to Burton-esque requests, but hey, whatever works.
Yet another random robot, this time in hospital
1st ink attempt of painting "Chubby girls are like
Ever since I failed at painting the "beehive guy
from Ninja Scroll" last Halloween, I've been wanting to try it again.
this time I used ink.
"A bat with breasts", based off the request of the
II don't know why astronauts kept getting painted,
but zombie astronauts are fun to do, particularly when you use the wrong
colors every which way.
"A Green Dragon, alright?", painted because one
person kept telling me to paint them a God Damn Dragon.
An over-used subject but it turned out to be an
interesting experiment in using black paper to create depth.
"White Cat." I could paint stuff like this all
day. It's very cool to know that that's just black ink on white
paper. Well, cool to me anyway.
I have a friend who introduced me to the spookily
popular world of catgirls. So I painted him this picture.
Another cat experiment. That I hate.
Let's move on.
""Feline Rivalry", based off someone wanting me to
have primary colored cats fighting. That didn't happen, but
Everyone loves a sad, teary-eyed cat.
"Blind Io", based off me thinking of other fun stuff
to paint from Discworld.
"The Pianist", based off someone asking me to paint
them playing the piano. Since they didn't tell me what they looked
like, this is what happened.
"The Red Mariachi" and "Mariachi Dread".
Someone demanded a mariachi and these were the result.
Wyatt and Adrienne's wedding gift. Don't ask
me why, but one of them is a tiger and the other a lobster. That's
what they wanted me to paint them as. Obviously, I have fitting
friends, because they're insane too.
"A Cute Gorgon", "Pink Raptor", "Alas, my name is
Yorick", and "Spongebob Obscurapants" were all simply me goofing around
with watercolor on black paper.
"Albino Murloc", based off someone asking me to
paint a Murloc village. In case you don't know, this is one of the
few fishmen that made it to the Art Crash. Murlocs are from World of
Warcraft...an online game I refuse to play until I wreak havoc as a
"Spiny Brute", based off someone wanting to see me
paint a "Were-Porcupine."
This was painted towards the end of the crash is a
self-portrait. If you compare it to the 1st self-portrait I did, I
think you can tell that my attitude had sort of shifted from when the
A pirate. Move on.
For some reason, Stitch from the webcomic HOUSD was
the basis for this random ink painting.
While I hate this one with a passion, it was an
early experiment involving mixing ink and watercolor.
"Atomos." If you can name what that's from,
you're about as geeky as I am.
Apparently a large chuck of my audience is geeky as
hell. Someone suggested that I paint every creature type from one
expansion of "Magic the Gathering." While I think that would be kind
of goofy, I did do a painting of the weird squid people that they came up
with to replace the Mermaid people.
"The Engineer." While I think the person was
actually asking me to paint Pinhead from the Hellraiser series, this is
what came out of my pen.
"Speedball", based off someone's request that I
paint a superhero from my childhood. Now that I'm older all I can
think is: Isn't Speedball a drug term talking about combining
cocaine and heroin?
I decided to combine my "watercolor on black paper"
experiments with someone's request that I paint a bunch of Spiderman
villains. Here's The Rhino, Electro, The Scorpion, and Venom.
Someone suggested that I paint the Doom Patrol, D.C.
comic's variation of the X-men (and actually about a month or so older
then them, but much less famous/successful). The 2nd picture was the
1st one I did and it brought me enough shame that I had to try again.
How often do you get to paint a mummy in glasses, a robot, and a guy named
Mento "The Freshmaker"?
Horns are just fun to paint. Go away.
"Mopey Blueheart", based off the suggestion "I am
"Maze of the Minotaur", based off someone suggesting
that I sit down and draw a maze "like those you found in the back of kids
"I've got Laser eyes." Long-time readers of
the site will recognize the design here, but I had the Sifl & Olly song
stuck in my head.
"Chainsaw Killer Instructional", based off someone
wanting me to create a guide killing kids at Camp Crystal Lake. It
turned out more artsy then I planned. Sorry about that.
"We can dance....FOREVER." Experiment with
colored ink that was loosely based off "The Safety Dance."
"Red Demoness Stitch-heart"....this one was supposed
to another cat but a goofy mistake made me do some "creative" things to
"Parasite", based off the request of the same name.
After several request to paint a fox, "Red Fox Down"
was created....mostly on purpose.
An early "Seahorse+Technology" painting I meant to
do for Liam Lynch. Not that great, so I made it funny and inside a
robot (see Liam painting).
"Niki is Charming." Poor, poor Niki. She
asked me to paint here. Even better, she sent me that picture to
base it off of. I don't know what's going on in the picture but in
my universe that's her screaming at her friend holding the camera while
she goes to the bathroom in the woods. That's probably not true, but
it makes the picture all the better to look at.
"Cotton Candy Prostitute", based off that exact
I've no idea why you wanted to see a "Ninja
Cricket", but here it is.
"My Burden", based off the fact that Danny Devito is
very short. Or maybe not. I don't remember painting this one.
"I can prove I'm not Heartless!", based off my
recent love for painting mummies.
"Only slightly radioactive", based off that exact
"Two scoops of Raisins", based off the request "A
very scary smile."
"Papa Radish", based off the request "You are what
"The Queen of Hearts", a splatter painting based off
someone wanting to see what I'd do with the request "Guiloteen" (their
A goofy skull. Yup. That's what it is.
Someone wanted to see me paint something for the
"Bird Flu." I ended up painting a heron/crane, but the ink mixed
with the paint and it ended up fading a lot more than I wish it had.
"Bart is here to mess you up", based off someone's
request that I paint their Exalted character. They describe it as "a
ginormous black man who breaks through walls, not unlike the Kool-Aid
Man." I think I gave it a decent shot.
"Green Bunny Geisha", a shot at a different style
revolving around someone sending me a nonsensical email about how they
hallucinated green bunnies while having sex with Japanese women who lived
near the Navy base.
"The Green Slime", potentially the best
"Choose-Your-Own-Adventure" book ever made...mostly because every other
page involved you being devoured by a giant ball of snot.
I totally suck at painting Fin Fang Foom from
Someone had a very specific thing they wanted to see
painted. They sent me long descriptions, photographs, and other neat
stuff. I almost didn't paint their request because when people are
that specific, they're very hard to please. I don't know if
they'll dig it, but I'm kind of happy how it turned out.
"A Furry's dream and Nightmare." This was my
response to the two requests that involved me drawing hardcore sex scenes
between half-man half-animal hybrids.
Two people also wanted to see "The Dopefish" from
Commander Keen 4. I've no idea who Commander Keen is (maybe I'm too
young/old/poor) but apparently he's got a very strange and fanatical
A snake thing. I don't know. Next!
"I wear my Cowardice like a shield", based off the
request "A Brave Knight."
"Grand Pooba Milkbitch." The title of this
painting is exactly what someone suggested I paint. If a "Grand
Pooba Milkbitch" is something fetish-like or depraved out there, I'm
sorry. I was too scared to Google search the term.
"Food for Thought." Shut up, that's a clever
"My Magic Armor is Eating My Soul." This one
was based off the request that I paint someone wearing a "living suit that
gives them powers beyond those of mortal men."
"Propaganda Accordian." Now, I'm pretty sure
the person who suggested this wanted to see accordions being used to
spread propaganda, but since I used to read "Propaganda" magazine, a
different picture came to mind. By the way, Propaganda magazine
was/is a gothic magazine that proves that goth girls are morbid while real
gothic guys are crossdressers. It's an awesome magazine, if only
because you have to look at the model's names to know if it's a girl or a
Show me the rest of the Art Crash! (That
means Page 2, people)
Who am I?
all images Copyright 2006
jared von hindman.....because who else would paint all this random, random