I could think of no better way to celebrate.
Well, I've been away for a while getting over the horror that is German Fever. For better or for worse, the couch time has been spent watching even more movies than usual. Since I'm late for updating, I figured, "Why the hell can't I be late for Father's Day?" It's not like my Valentine article was exactly timely. My Christmas reviews should be coming any week now. Point is, I can't think of a better way to honor my father than to share with all of you the joy of fatherhood through the eyes of an alien. Dad, if you ever read this, please don't lay your eggs inside me as retribution.
God this film is insane. Then again, it would have to be for me to even pretend it was interesting enough to share. With clowns, midgets, aliens, U.F.O.'s, panthers, killer toys, giant dolls and so much more, it's fairly safe to say this is a special kind of film. Yet, if you look deeper into the film, you'll see a great crime being committed. Look at the art for XTRO. There are two statements made: "When Tony Grows up, he's going to be just like his Daddy." Like father, like son. Sure. So you already have to brace yourself that "Tony" is going to turn into a blood hungry drooling alien. But wait, maybe Tony's dad just looks that way? Maybe he has a passion for gardening and volunteers at the homeless shelter on weekends. Just because he looks like an alien monster from Hell, does that mean that he's got to eat unborn children and probe the most homophobic of our population? Herein lies the second crime. Underneath the title of this film we see the tagline: "Some extra-terrestrials aren't friendly." This film came out a year after E.T., so we can guess that this film is going to star the "unfriendly" type of alien. Both statements made by the movie are vague. Apparently Tony's going to turn into his father, which could mean growing a beard and becoming impotent as well as growing fangs and eating his fellow classmates. Also, take note that some aliens aren't friendly. Does XTRO star an unfriendly alien? What will Tony become? The answers may shock you. I'll give you a hint though: Kids are the most frickin' evil thing in the universe. Let's get started.
XTRO starts with an advertisement for Microsoft's X-box. You know how the logo for the X-box (the X) is all peeling back, glowing with power? The same thing is the very first image you get from XTRO. I'm sure Microsoft really wanted to follow in the footsteps of this film, only changing the color of their X to avoid any of those sticky legal issues. Anyway, name/logo patents aside, this film starts pretty quickly, introducing the characters and the drama right away. The first scene introduces father Sam and his son Tony. Apparently Sam's first mistake in parenting would have to be his getting abducted by aliens with his son watching. The first scene is a flashback, as Tony wakes up, far too sweaty and calling out to his mother. Mother Rachel shows up to comfort the boy. Apparently Tony really misses his Dad. We are also quickly introduced to Joe, her boyfriend and Tony's potential step dad , as well as the young, French, blonde, and sexy Analise. Joe makes himself so obnoxious you know he's a dead man. In fact, he's so obnoxious, the film's director decided to kill him twice. All will become clear soon, I assure you. As for the French housemaid Analise (spelled Analize in the subtitles of my version), she's such a young trollop you know she's a dead girl. I mean, she's got her favorite sex act "hidden" in her name. Personally I was always fond of my housecleaner Oralise from Norway. Analise is a slut, and she's going to die. Of course she's screwing Joe on the side behind Rachel's back. Anyway, apparently Sam (Tony's father) and Rachel's husband was abducted three years ago....Rachel has moved on, ignoring Tony's stories of aliens and "bright lights." She's gotten herself into a weird relationship with a photographer who's cheating on her. Does this sound like an "when aliens attack" kind of film? This movie is more a soap-opera drama than an alien story. Well, that's not exactly true. Most of the PLOT is a soap opera, while most of the movie is just Alien stuff that makes little to AMAZING sense. By "AMAZING" sense I mean that sure, you'll understand why the characters are doing what they're doing, you just won't understand why you have to watch it. Anyway I'll forget all their names in about three paragraphs, so try to keep up.
Alien stuff! A strange ship flies over the countryside, dropping off it's occupant, someone we'll just call the "Scary-Ass Monster" (referred to as SAM henceforth in this article). Sure, SAM is pretty scary looking. Dripping with goo, armed with crazy teeth, and actually being an alien, he fits all the requirements for being a killing machine. But is SAM really an evil creature? Only time will allow us to answer this question. Apparently, wherever SAM comes from they don't have automobiles, as, very much like a lost deer, he gets hit by a car while crossing the road. The driver gets out to investigate, swearing it was too big to be an animal. His girlfriend sits in the car, looking worried but lets him go explore the dark forest roadside. Of course SAM sprays horrible venom from his mouth killing the concerned driver instantly, but can you blame him? I would secrete venom had I the glands if someone hit ME with a car. Maybe the car's just SAM's first meeting with mankind. If E.T. was hit by a car in the first scene of the movie, Spielberg's cashcow might not have been such a sweet film. "E.T. phone paramedics," whatever. So, I'll give SAM the benefit of the doubt and say he's just defending himself, confused, and maybe a bit angry. He still kills the driver's girlfriend, something that may look bad on his "I'm a friendly alien" resume.
By the way, just so you know, little Tony apparently wakes up "covered in blood" when the Scary-Ass Monster is hit by the aforementioned car. Definitely not the best substance to wake up in. Things aren't quite right in the Tony household. Hmmm. It seems that whatever SAM is doing, little Tony dreams of it. With alien stigmata going on, this film is just starting to get interesting.
Let's check back and see what SAM is doing, shall we?
OH. MY GOD.
I almost don't want to go into what SAM is doing right now, but you'd never forgive me if I didn't. Apparently, a random attractive woman lives near where SAM landed. He's lurking outside her cabin. Maybe he's having trouble communicating with us Earth folk or something because she senses "something is amiss" and goes immediately for her shotgun. Lurking about her home she moves about, looking for whatever has made her so afraid. Now again, in SAM's defense, he is being greeted by a shotgun to the face, so I would say killing the poor girl (in self-defense) might be acceptable at this point. But SAM, oh dear SAM, what do you do?
Unless his species communicates by forcing your alien penis
down the throats of women, SAM has some serious explaining to do.
Also note the picture on the right: That's our boy having one giant
orgasm before the scene fades out for a moment. Now I'm sure there
are worse scenes in alien movies, but there's just something about
watching a giant hand/phallus come out of SAM's greasy alien crotch hole
that made part of me wither away and die forever. I think that
either SAM's an evil alien or he's just very very misunderstood.
Let's get back to our poor victim, shall we?
Now imagine this. The last thing you remember is a giant alien cock coming to get you. You wake up, covered in blood next to a huge pile of bubbling goo. My god I pity this woman. You know she's got alien eggs in her. You just know it. Sure enough, she starts holding her stomach, screaming in pain. Yep, she's pregnant with alien spawn. She falls to the ground, and the beautiful process of birth begins.
Well, I don't know about you, but I know I needed to see a
grown man come out of a woman's crotch and chew off
his own umbilical cord. Sweet Mother of God. Apparently
SAM, the Scary-Ass Monster, has turned into Sam, Tony's long lost abducted
father. May the wonders of childbirth never cease. Also if you
check out the Internet Movie Database, you'll notice that this film was
this woman's last film. I think that having a b-movie actor come out
of me and getting impregnated by a guy in a latex suit might make me a bit
jaded against the idea of a film career. Anyway, let's move on.
Sam, the father, quickly steals the dead driver's clothes and his car (leaving the dead girlfriend in the front seat) and goes to visit his wife and son. There's a bit of drama between Sam, Rachel, Joe, Tony, and Analize....Sam can't remember where he's been for the past three years, Tony's happy to have his Dad back, and Joe the boyfriend is a total dork. I'd go more into the drama, but just to be lazy, I'll just say it's quite...dramatic. Mostly boring, just keep in mind that Joe the boyfriend is just a horrible person. As for weirdness, we see father Sam is still sort-of an alien, as Tony catches him sucking down his pet snake's eggs. Tony runs away, until Sam catches up to him and explains how he's changed since he last saw his son. And then...he kisses his son....on his shoulder.
what a scary kiss it is. Infecting Tony with the hicky of doom, he
gives his son some part of his "special power." Here marks a major
shift in focus for the film XTRO. From here on out we get to see what
Tony does with his new found Alien powers. Now wait a second:
Sure the alien in this film impregnates women with a scary phallus but he
does indeed give a kid magic powers. How cool is that? When I
see my father he can suck my shoulder all he likes if it would get me wicked
powers. (Dad, the answer is no. I've yet to gain any powers and
you've spent more than enough time sucking my shoulder.) If Tony's
really going to grow up to be like his father, he's got some serious work to
do. Yet we're about to see that Tony is soooo much sicker than his dad
ever was, even if you take the whole "alien penis out of his scary
crotch-hole" bit. So far everything you've read has been the work of
Sam, alien father. Let's see what his son's got planned. One
clue: Midget Clowns.