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  Jared's Pretentious Fetish Photos or:

How to create filler for your own website.  (And how to do it freaking RIGHT.)


Oh my.  Well, at least I'm honest.  Right now reality is pretty darn complicated.  Lots of corporate and private projects coming in and the upside is I'm feeling a bit like a legit artist, daresay illustrator, for a change.  A bit out of my element, but still legit.  I'm due to put up my illustrated report of my big GenCon/American vacation and, well, it will eventually find its way here.  Hopefully...I'm busier than ever before and with stuff I can't share due to Non-Disclosure Agreements.  In the meantime, enjoy a little attic surfing and a healthy chunk of something I USED to do.  Pictured above (and in this week's banner) is my friend Sara, circa last month.  Years ago, I met her in upstate New York where, at the time, I was going to Film School (capitalized because it seems cooler that way).  Sara was, at the time, working in a fetish/fashion/sex shop (they had a passion for hiring "I only just became legal" girls and who can blame them) and had been approached by the Suicide Girls squad.  It didn't end up working out (becoming the intellectual property of another company is often harsh) but at the time Sara asked me to take some "freaky photos" of her for a certain fetish-Alt/Culture blogging network as well as for a few other magazines that will also go without mention.  Anyway, I dug out a bunch of pictures from that shoot (as well as few others mixed in) and asked "older and mature" Sara if it was cool to post these.  She foolishly said yes, which is why I'll hold back from using her last name just in case she decides to run for Congress.  (Come on, you'd vote for a tattooed bartender turned political, you know you would.)   Anyway... The point was back in pre-Berlin times, Jared spent his days doing totally random Artsy-type things.  One of them involved taking pictures of his friend Sara (at her request) because he was, after all, into taking panty shot pictures that were artistic.  I'm joking.  Mostly. 

So here we go.  Instead of just a gallery, here are all the images I found on a mislabeled CD I found in the attic last time I was in the states, complete with my random brain ramblings.  I've included ALL of the images and you'll begin to understand the horror of that in just a moment when we get into the non-Sara images.  Sara, thanks again for asking me to photograph your butt.  That's one of those things that shows up when playing the game "I Never" more often than you'd imagine.  To those of you that aren't Sara, enjoy.  We'll start with the few I'm almost proud of  and it'll degenerate rapidly. 

...and so it begins.  Basically the only preparation we had for the photo shoot was...wait.  We didn't have any preparation.  All of this was literally a conversation we had:

Sara:  "Hey Jared, how goes it?"

Jared:  "Pretty darn keen, friend that I enjoy a totally platonic relationship with."

Sara:  "That's nice.  Want to grab your camera and take pictures of me in my underwear?"

Jared:  "Well, I could take it or leave it, but if I'm allowed to use whatever we find lying around as props, you've got a deal."

Sara:  "Remember to get pictures of my legs.  ________ Magazine is totally paying hot sexy cash for classy leg shots."

Jared:  "I suppose, if you insist."

...and that's exactly how it went.  I swear.  The funny thing is that most of the people in my life have really weird props just lying around the house anyway.  Hell, on my shelf I have a dead stuffed armadillo named Lucas.  My friends aren't too far behind in the "random crap" department.  But again, I'm giving you words and not more pictures of Sara.

"Make sure the light goes perfectly over my nipple", she said as her boyfriend's eyes burrowed into the back of my head.

Hello feet!

Feet:  "Hello Jared!"

Of course, the Limelight photos aren't my favorite of the set.  While I'm sure it's been done before, the joy of playing with the a gimmick static ball from Spencer's Gifts brings me waaaaaay too much joy.  I'm not saying it's genius.  But it is hilarious and my personal MVP of the terribly incriminating photos.

Can Lightning strike twice?  I apparently thought so:

I don't care if it is just a picture of a girl's ass on a novelty electronic device, that's freaking cool.  Of course, the film shoot quickly degraded after this.  Maybe degradation isn't the right thing to cite considering the HIGH POINT is a woman's butt being zapped, but...yeah.  There's more.  They're not totally terrible but, well, you'll see.

Here, Sara looks in the mirror dramatically because it wouldn't be a gothic photo shoot if candles and poorly lit images didn't get involved at some point.

Ok Sara.  That's pretty good.  We've lit enough candles for this to work properly....say, what the hell is that painting doing there?  Why the hell do you have a painting that came with the apartment?  Why would a resident leave a painting? 

...unless the painting is evil and murdered them.  Yeah, let's make that part of the photo shoot.  It'll create a nice juxtaposition before it comes to life...

...and swallows my soul.  Seriously, why is that little girl looking at me like that?  Why is there a shy cross-dresser lurking behind her?  Let's...let's turn on the lights.  I'm starting to get freaked out.

(Seriously, I'm not joking.  The above painting was found in the closet when she moved in.)


Are you alright?

Great.  Now you're dead posing as a hot corpse.  I wish I could say that's slightly deranged but it's far too popular a visual for me to mock it.  Well, maybe just a little.  You know because necrophilia is hawt.  Apparently.  To you.  Pervert.

It might also be good to mention that Sara wasn't 100% sure she wanted her face plastered all over the internet/all over smutty fetish wank mags, so obscuring her face was a priority for a lot of these shots.  Because I'm completely uncreative (as per Digg.com and my inbox of Hate), I couldn't resist just putting a mask on her.  I kind of like this photo because it reminds me how unprofessional all of this was.  Notice the volume of filth on the floor?  Classy.

Oh no!  You're wearing formal long sleeves and no pants!  It boggles the mind!

I think Anthony Hopkins is staring back at you right now.  In unrelated news, knowing those shoes are velcro somehow destroys the illustion for me.  Curse you, Flash!

As previously stated, I found non-photo shoot images on this disc.  For the sake of hilarity and completivity (not a real word), here they are.

As fun as electrical tape bondage is (That's the ex-boyfriend pictured above), I have to wonder how many D.A.R.E. T-shirts ended up in the hands and on the torsos of deviants over the years.  Seriously, every single person who I've seen wearing one (minus Officer Friendly) has been a freak in some form or another who doesn't have a big problem with drugs.  My theory is that, besides the irony of wearing one, they were one of the few shirts you got for free that were BLACK.  Just saying. 

Here we see two titans, neither of which I know or remember, spraying each other with beer.  I honestly have no idea who they are or whether this was part of some dark mating ritual or not. 

Whoever they are and whatever they're doing, here they are moist and wet from each other's exploits.  If that's you, old friend of a friend who I don't remember, please don't be offended by me posting images of your epic beer-spraying battle.  I think it's mostly comedy gold because at the time I thought it needed to be permanently saved next to pictures of one of my friends' lace-encrusted posterior.  Speaking of which:

Back to Sara!

Ummm.  I'm not sure this was even part of the photo shoot.  This might (totally) have just been me taking a picture of Sara looking for her shoes.  I'm...not proud of this one.  It's undeniably a good picture for a qualified value of "good" but...yeah.  Let's move on.

Is anyone surprised there's a poster for The Crow on the wall?

(Poking fun at my own scene is half of the fun.  I can't deny that I own both Crow and Edward Scissorhands action figures.  I'm not proud but still, they're mine.)

Corset?  Check.  Lace Gloves?  Check.  Headless Torso on a Stick covered with Strange Nasty Stains?  Holy Crap Check.  What's worse is that that particular piece of Found Art is actually a prop from a movie I made that I gave to Sara when I found out I would be moving to Germany.  Sara, being one of my friends, quickly expressed an interest in the horrible thing.  In fact, I think she fought several folks for the right to take it home.  Which is...surreal but says a lot, really. 

And with that, the photos should have ended. 

No cats were hurt in the making of this article.  Mike's mouth just happens to be very large.  And hilarious.

I'm bothered by how many people like this image.  Seriously, it shakes my very core.  I'm also bothered by how Sara's tiny, tiny feet make Mike's huge mouth even bigger-looking.  It's...unsettling.  Also:  Foot Fetish folks.  Not my thing, but enjoy the above image.  Particularly the double eye-contact.


Again, it wouldn't be a gothic/emo fashion shoot if there wasn't some sacrilege going on.  Then again, images of Super-Weeping Christ are pretty funny somehow, particularly when they sell them at Gas Stations next to the Doritos and paper towels. 

Thank you Sara for giving me permission for posting these some 6 years after they were taken and for, well, being the kind of friend to ask me to take them in the first place.  It's interesting people like you that make life more surreal. 

As for the rest of you:  I hope you've enjoyed this blatant piece of filler.  I'm sorry I haven't updated the site with anything substantial lately, but I'm glad so many of you are sticking with me during this time of weirdness as I re-align myself and get back to being weird professionally.  I'll keep you all posted but, well, thanks again.

I'm also motivated to get the site back in shape because, quite frankly, I don't have too many more pictures of young goth girls to distract you with.  I mean, I do, but...yeah.  This just isn't that kind of website.  Until next time, enjoy yourself (but not while looking at these pictures).






Copyright 2008 Jared von Hindman or maybe just Jared Hindman.  It depends.  Any images used that are not Jared's are used via Fair Use review purposes and belong to their respective owners....who are nice people that don't want to sue me.

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