XTRO:  because kids are evil, evil sons of bitches.

So, Tony's got the magic power of his alien father inside him.  What's he going to do with it?

Well, first things first. Tony makes a evil midget clown to keep himself entertained.  I swear we see this little monster dance for ten minutes.  Now maybe Tony looks a lot older than he really is, but Tony looks like maybe he should think about girls, or sports, or something, ANYTHING besides evil little midget clowns.  Maybe he will.

Remember Tony's snake?  Well, apparently it was so distraught after watching "dear old Dad" eat its eggs that it wandered into the neighbor's apartment.  The neighbor kills the snake, thus inciting Tony to have his revenge.  While I was thankful he didn't send in his evil killer dwarf, what he sent was far more unexpected.....a giant toy soldier.  Armed with a rifle, he invades the neighbor's apartment.  God this film is getting random.  Personally, if I was going to kill someone with an oversized version of a toy I'd go the more unconventional route.  Something like a giant Mr. PotatoHead would be awesome.  He'd be switching his facial expressions, waddling slowly after you (as you might recall, Mr. Potatohead has no legs, not really).  Man, now I have to find a movie with a killer potato.  Or I need to make one.  "Killer Spud:  He's covered with evil eyes."  Bah.  Suffice to say, maybe I wouldn't use my alien magic powers the best way either.  If you ever see a swarm of killer vegetables, please forgive me and my alien father.  God. I'm still tickled at the idea of a giant murderous potato.  I'll try to move on.

(potato, potato, potato...I think I'm over it now)

We cut back to our dear sweet virginal Analize having sex with Joe, the obnoxious sleazy boyfriend/stepfather.  Since we just saw a scene where an old lady is killed by a giant G.I. Joe, you can pretty much tell it's time to kill off the "less righteous" characters....and that means double for French harlots and cheating horrible boyfriends.  I mean, what woman would allow a teenage hardbody to live and sleep in the same house as her boyfriend?  If the relationship was obviously open I'd accept it.  Hey, maybe they're an "enlightened couple."  Suffice to say, cheating is cheating and they're both pretty much dead.  Tony knocks on the door, interrupting their sex, wanting to play Hide and Seek.  Analize, wanting to keep up appearance, leaves the sex bed for a moment to humor our dear sweet "magical" Tony.  Tony's nowhere to be seen.  She checks the stairwell, even climbing into the elevator.

Now I'll admit that's not the best picture of it, but just imagine this:  You climb into a seemingly empty elevator.  You look both ways outside the elevator before climbing inside.  As the doors close, you realize you're not alone. Slowly you look up to see....a midget clown clinging to the ceiling.  Yep, that's what happens to Analize.  A midget clown pounces on her from the top of an elevator, knocking her cold.  Jesus Christ that is pure nightmare fuel.  Then again, if I were a midget, I'd probably do screwed up stuff like that, such as hiding in the refrigerator until someone comes into the kitchen or just dressing up like an Oompa Loompa and sing horrible songs at people.  But I digress. The evil midget drags Analize into the apartment (keep in mind, Joe is still lurking in the sex bed, trying to stay aroused for Analize's return) and, after hitting her on the head with a novelty hammer, allows Tony to kiss her, infecting her with another variety of hicky of Doom.  Now what's coming up I CAN'T show you.  Just imagine that Analize turns into a giant cocoon with only the crotch exposed.  Then she starts shooting giant alien eggs out of the bloody hole; the eggs are "collected" by Tony and Evil Midget Clown.  Oh my god.  Now, I think Tony's gone far beyond anything his father did.  Sure, he victimized ONE woman, but he never made her start shooting out giant water-balloon sized alien eggs...ick.  Tony's killing people left and right, no excuse needed.  Anyway, after what must be the longest wait ever, Joe comes out of the bedroom, horny and wondering where the hell his piece of young tail has gone off to.  Of course, Tony's magic makes quick work of Joe.

After being chased by a toy tank that fires real bullets he's eaten by a panther.  God I love this movie:  It makes so much SENSE!

I'm sure you saw that one coming.  I personally really like his expression when he sees the toy tank, it pretty much sums up how I feel about this film at this point.  See, he's more confused than you know. Because right after we see him get killed by the panther, he's suddenly in a new scene, completely unharmed.  Yep. Joe was so obnoxious that they seemed to have decided they needed to KILL HIM TWICE.  I've never seen a film that actually forgot it killed off one of its characters before. Sure, in some old ones it's supposed to happen all the time, but how many times have you actually seen it happen?  Anyway, Joe drives Tony to the cabin where Sam and Rachel (Mother and Father) are.  Doesn't make sense?  Remember, this is a new scene, in this reality Tony is being driven out into the country to be reunited with his parents (they went out there to have some time alone).  God, I wonder what Tony's parent's are doing?

Sam's turning back into SAM, his flesh melting mid-orgasm.  God there are so many sexual issues going on in this film it's ridiculous.  I mean, I'd love to see someone psychoanalyze the filmmakers....then again, we'd probably find out they all were whipped by transvestites while having bamboo shoved under their fingernails between scenes.  That's a fact that I don't need confirmed. 

Rachel goes home.  You know, the house that Tony's been filling with eggs, killer toy tanks, and god knows what else?  Waiting for her is a whole refrigerator filled with alien eggs. She looks at them, ignoring the panther growling in the corner.  She picks one up, lovingly as if it were a child.

And that's when it sprouts an alien penis and penetrates her throat.  God Damn it XTRO, is this what you want to teach me about being a father?  Get the woman with the phallus when she's least suspecting?  Well, I'll work on that as much as I possibly can.  :sigh:

So Tony doesn't want to be just like his father, he wants to be MUCH WORSE than his father, and not all extra-terrestrials are friendly.  Then again, the alien really only came down here to pick up his son (I'm guessing there's a joint custody thing going on here).  The alien eggs were really only the work of "I can't handle magic powers" Tony...so SAM, though misunderstood, might not be the most "evil" of aliens.  Sure, he killed when he had to, but he's still a good father.  Hell, he crawled out of a grown woman's crotch to see his son!  I'd have to say this movie has its issues, much like any good father-son relationship.  If crotch-crawling is what it takes, then so be it.

I'm sure my father would do the same. Dad, wherever, whatever you might be:

Happy Father's Day!

Take me HOME!

copyright Jared 2004, unless stolen or from a movie or something. :)