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  Indiana Bones & the Temple of Please Don't Sue Us...

also known as "Jared invades a Playground"

It's been a while since I've really reviewed anything on the website...a fact prominently advertised by the "Halloween Articles Soon" lie that I'm working in my free time to fix, finally. There's been a lot going on in my life lately and if you're not into Dungeons & Dragons, you've probably felt neglected. (For more info on my drama, check me out on Google Plus. I didn't mean to, but I kind of rekindled the Blog there. Don't blame me, it just happened. Click HERE.)  While those articles will be done soon (seriously, if they're not up on the website by the 15th of November you have my permission to deploy groin kicks with abandon), I feel that we just need to start slow.
 

Let's take a deep breath and go for a walk.

It's not like I'll find anything to review by just walking down the street, right?

 

Oh Berlin, I love you sometimes.

 

You're not ready for what you're about to see. Well, maybe you are. I'm a creative design nerd who at the age of 12 wanted to design amusement park rides and somehow what you're about to see triggers those glorious kid thoughts. So please forgive me if I gush a little. It can't be help.  Back on topic: I spotted this while walking to my girlfriend's the other day and my jaw dropped. Today I returned, looking like the guy they put on the community watch posters. Black trench coat, fiendish detective hat, and a camera. Yep, I was the guy who frightened parents by wandering around a playground taking photographs. As you can tell by the ghost town in the images below, the place cleared out pretty quickly.

Until now, my favorite knock-off of Indiana Jones was "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". That's changed. My friends, I give you "Indiana Bones", the I-swear-to-GOD playground. Enjoy.

I've walked past this place dozens of times, but only recently did I turn my head to the right and realize what I'm looking at. It seems pretty generic at first glance...and it wasn't until I was wondering why the hell Germans had put up a sign praising the state of Indiana did it all come together.

You can tell it's not Indiana Jones because Indiana Bones wears a green hat.

(Side note: This is a public playground built by private investors in the neighborhood. I don't know what inspired them to commission an entirely hand-carved Indiana Jones (I mean Bones) playset, but it can't be denied.)

Ok.. So it's a generic jungle gym type thing with...Middle Eastern guys on it? Is that? Yes, the ramp up to the platform is a crashed airplane, propeller and all. I'm a dork because that makes me happy. Thus I share.

It's going to become very clear that this place was designed with "Temple of Doom" in mind. Remember the scene where the children were in the mine (see the mine cart in the picture?) and had to put diamonds into a bucket for their evil masters? Whoever designed this place must have thought this was a good teaching tool, because they built a "gold panning" playset, complete with a pulley system for the "slave children" on the ground to deliver sand to their Bully overlords. Nice.

But is this REALLY an Indiana Jones playground?

Yes. Yes it is.

I didn't get pictures of all of them but there are so many spring cars on this playground, it's kind of hilarious. All of them are designed after vintage trucks, jeeps, and motorcycles. If you ever wanted to re-enact that scene where Indy punches Nazis off of a Truck, this is the place for you. Did I mention this is in Germany?  Yeah, I must have.  There was also a "zip line" play area for bigger kids...designed like rails for a mine cart that end on a cliff. I'm describing it poorly, but this was the only area clogged with children and dear LORD I was getting dirty looks enough without asking the kids to pose next to the overturned mine cart.

By the way:

Snakes. Why did it have to be Snakes.

Maybe the artist though Indiana Jones' fear of snakes was hilarious and maybe snakes are just easy to carve. I stopped counting snakes when I got to thirty and realized I was a grown man excitedly running around a playground counting snakes. By the by, there are 8 in the above picture. Waldo's in there, but he's also a snake so he's hard to spot.

The dreaded "See-Saw Python"

Note the "mine cart" park bench in the background.

I have no idea what the purpose of this is, but if you put a golf ball in the snake's spine(?) he spits it out and it bounces around. Germans may be easily entertained, but at least they're creative about it.

 

So what was the crowning glory of Indiana Bones? How do I know the creators watched Temple of Doom too much?

Simple: They built the Temple of DOOM. On a playground.

Take a close look. The whole thing is 3 levels high and covered in torches, hidden treasures and...surprisingly very little debris left behind by vagrants. In fact, this place is either protected by Thuggees or even drunk vandals find this place too pretty to smash...but I digress.

Note the sneaky guy in the corner, lurking. Let's step inside, shall we?

Seriously, Indiana Bones?  I get the generic insects as playground fodder but...

...THIS is hiding in the Temple? I don't care how happy you make that thing look, that'd make me fill my diaper as a kid. It's 2 feet tall! (Which is Epic on the Toddler scale.)

What Temple of Doom would be complete without an evil High Priest of Kali?

Yes. They carved the bad guy who rips out people's still-beating hearts in the secret room at the top of the Temple. Well played.

(Also note that while the Vandalism was kept to a minimum, even the most virtuous of vandals can't resist painting a wang on the villain of an Indiana Jones film.)

This? I have no clue what these are, but they're in the bowels of the Temple...Golden Eggs in a treasure chest? This isn't the only inexplicable thing.

Edit: I'm an idiot who didn't pay as close attention to the movie as the hyper-manic beaver that carved this place. Those are supposedly the Sankara Stones! Thanks for setting me straight, Indianapolians.

I assume, in the Indiana Bones saga, this is his love interest. Jesus. I'm frightened. Note the backwards baseball cap, implying this lady might be Short Round. Only the artist thought he was sexy. And blond. And a Baldwin brother.

Um. No. I really don't remember the fat man/woman gleefully riding a mine cart, so I suppose this is an Indiana Bones exclusive.


This is me refusing to make dirty jokes about Fatso here. At least he's happy.

And you know what? If I got to play with Indiana Bones as a kid, I would be too.

 

Thanks for humoring my madness which could have been put up in Gallery form, but honestly...this is too awesome to bury in a Facebook Photo Folder and you know it. If you're ever in Berlin, just Google "Indiana Bones" and you'll find directions (in German) to this mythical place that I seriously hope I haven't just brought to the attention of Lucas or Spielberg. Oh. wait.

Oops?

-Jared

 

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Copyright 2008 Jared von Hindman or maybe just Jared Hindman.  It depends.  Any images used that are not Jared's are used via Fair Use review purposes and belong to their respective owners....who are nice people that don't want to sue me.

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