Titans Season 3: The Season that will kick you in the face.
Welcome to the second installment of the Teen Titans guide of DOOM, where I update you guys on what crap went on over the course of seasons 3 & 4...as well as let you in on some bonus stuff that you probably don't care about. But hey, it's still Teen Titan related. I've included one "bonus toon" at the end of both Season 3 and 4. But first, there's something that I'd like to talk to you kind people about.
To my less than loyal readers: Now, I originally posted the Teen Titans article almost a year ago. Then, about 6 months later, I moved it over here to Headinjurytheater.com where I've been getting a psychotically steady increase in traffic. A lot of people are finding the site through people's recommendations, but the majority are ending up here through some sort of mishap involving a search engine. What you may not know, unless you operate a website yourself, is that I can actually tell what words you were searching for when you found my site. It's a tool to let you know WHY people are finding your website, and sometimes it's useful knowledge. Now, this may have changed in the past few months, but originally, the majority of traffic coming to my site revolved around a search involving the following words: "Teen Titans Starfire Raven Hentai Cartoon Porn XXX." I'm not joking. I make one hentai joke on the first page, and what do I get? Hordes of toon-related masturbatory traffic. Wow. I think the lesson learned here is to be careful what you type, because it'll show up in a search engine. For example, don't make jokes about hentai, bukkake, pornography, sex, blowjobs, S&M, bondage, or anything like that. Oh, crap. Too late :sigh: Well, since you sickos are already here, enjoy this picture:
It's a picture of Raven getting a massage from some aliens. There's nothing perverted about this picture (I swear), but it'll have to do. Feel free to stick around (you might enjoy it) or to just get back to hunting down more images for your bizarre masturbatory rituals.
To my actual readers: Let's get on with reviewing Season 3!!!
Episode 1: Deception
Remember the Hive from way back in Season 1? They're back in force. Cyborg infiltrates their evil organization to find.....a high school for super villains. We're introduced to Brother Blood, the school master. Personally, I would have behaved a hell of a lot better in school if my principle went by the name BLOOD and walked around in a robe with a skull on it all the time. This is technically a plot episode, but unlike other seasons, I actually liked this season's story arc. Back on topic, Cyborg goes through the Hive academy, surviving hazing experiences and even a school dance. There's high school pranks that involve explosives (is there any other kind?) and other such shinanigins. It's all kind-of domestic and funny in this weird way. Of course, it all goes to crap, there's the typical psyche-out where we're led to believe Cyborg's gone "evil," and then all's well by the final 30 seconds of the episode. By "well," I mean that the school BLOWS UP (as most schools do, eventually), and the students (evil) flee for their lives. Brother Blood swears vengeance, which he tries to get over the course of 3 more episodes this season. Another interesting thing from this episode is that a crapload of villains are shown attending the school....the same villains who show up later during season 4. It's like they've graduated and finally got their own episode. Of course that's not always a good thing, when you consider that a later episode will revolve around "a stupid redneck who can make more rednecks." More on that later.
Episode 2: X
Red X is back, and this time it's apparently not Robin wearing a costume that's much cooler than his own. (See Season 1 for more info.) Robin does a lot of philosophizing about how guilty he is for creating a super-powered costume of DEATH, or more importantly, what a screw-up he is for letting someone else steal his super-powered costume of DEATH. We never do find out who stole the costume, because, while this episode looks and feels like a plot episode....it's not. On a side note, it's completely lame that Robin designs a costume that's so badass, yet he still runs around in a yellow and green bird costume. Poor Robin...no sense of style. Also, pay close attention to this episode for the super-villain scientist, Professor Chang, who's voiced by the same guy (James Hong) who played Lo Pan in "Big Trouble in Little China." I was about to say they were ripping off Big Trouble, then I found out it was the guy who played the role...so, um, yeah. It's the Teen Titans fighting Lo Pan. That rocks.
Episode 3: Betrothed
Now, I could give you a detailed synopsis of what goes on in this episode but I think the images will speak pretty well for themselves. Or, at least convey some small portion of the horror that my mere words can't articulate properly.
Starfire's evil sister (yet another character from Season 1) forces her to marry a giant tentacled slime monster. If this isn't enough to make some of you uncomfortable:
The terrible thing is that I'm afraid the Hentai sickos might actually be enjoying the above picture. :shudder:
Of course, it all works out in the end, with a giant alien chick cat-fight. But still, the weird marital relations implied in this episode haunt me. Let's move on.
Episode 4: Crash
Beast Boy turns off the Titan Tower's (You know the giant letter "T" that the Titans live in like some sort of super-powered Letter People) firewalls and internet security so he can download a bootleg copy of a video game. Cyborg gets infected and, simply put, Gizmo (the kid who farted on Cyborg at the end of Season 1) and Beast Boy are shrunk down and injected into Cyborg's ass to get rid of the virus. It's basically "The Fantastic Voyage" and 'Innerspace" Titans-style, and it kind-of works. Of course, Beast Boy defeats the virus by turning into mucus and flooding Cyborg's system with it. By the way, while Cyborg's infected, he runs around hallucinating food and starts eating everything. It makes you wonder how your hard drive would behave if you gave it arms, legs, and a mouth. Then again, if people's hard drives had arms and mouths, there would be FAR too much cyber-sex in the world.
Episode 5: Haunted
Remember the villain Slade from every other episode in Season 1 & 2? Robin's goofing off with Slade's stuff (because Slade's dead, remember?), when he gets infected with a hallucinatory drug that makes him kick his own ass. It's more complicated than that, what with Robin acting more like a psycho than usual. But, for all intents and purposes, THIS is the episode for the Robin-hater in all of us, if only to watch him smash his own face against a wall....repeatedly. God, I wish I could explain why I hate Robin so much. On a side note, since I last updated the Titan's episode guide, I looked into who did the voices behind the characters. While a lot of them aren't anyone special, Slade is voiced by the one and only Ron Perlman (Hellboy and a lot of other good to terrible movies). This sort of explains why Slade's character just won't die...I can so picture Ron talking to the animators and casually mention how he could accidentally break their legs if he wasn't paying attention. "Ummm. Yeah. Boys? About my character Slade's death.... :takes long drag on his cigar: How about....no." :sound of animators scurrying to make Mr. Perlman happy:
Episode 6: Spellbound
There are two bad guys in this episode:
Malfior: A giant dragon who tricks Raven into freeing him from a curse, and:
Cardiac: A giant Robotic heart that acts like a giant vacuum cleaner that sucks up children.
Now which monster sounds more interesting to you? Evil dragon or a giant child-eating human organ? :sigh: This episode needed more Cardiac. A LOT more. Then again, I say that about all grotesquely over-sized disembodied organs that want to devour children whole.
Episode 7: Revolution
Sweet. Jesus. Mad Mod (the British super-villain from, yes, the 1st season) shows up on the fourth of July. What does he do? Besides turning Robin into an old man, he TURNS THE CITY INTO JOLLY OLE ENGLAND. As in, he brainwashes everyone to think they're in London and they're British. This may well be my favorite episode this season, for the sheer fact that it's filled with some amazing British pop-culture references. Like what, you might ask?
Yes. It's filled with lots and lots of Monty Python references. In fact, a large chunk of the animation for this episode is made to completely mimic Terry Gilliam's style. It's amazingly spot-on. Other stuff happens in this episode, but you won't care about it, because you'll be looking for more Monty Python jokes...and there are quite a few, thankfully.
Episode 8: Wavelength
Cyborg's old school principal, Brother Blood, is back, and more evil than ever. He's built a doomsday device in the ocean using schematics he stole from Cyborg, and it's up to the Titans (and Aqualad) to stop him. Now, I don't need to go into how freaking lame Aqualad is, because it's all been said before...but I'll go into it anyway. Do you know who does the voice for Aqualad? Do you? Whil Wheaton, that annoying bastard who played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: Next Generation, is the man behind the chunk of LAME that is Aqualad. God. It only makes me hate Aqualad so much more. Moving on, this episode has Brother Blood using Cyborg's stolen technology left and right...creating an army of cyborg pirhanas and a reason to actually say the line: "Release the Mind Control Squid." The line alone is worth the fee of admission. The Titans are just putting along in their mini-sub when the camera cuts to Brother Blood in the control room frothing at the mouth and screaming about "Mind Control Squid." It's spectacular. Oh, and Cyborg blows up Brother Blood's base....again.
Episode 9: The Beast Within
Beast Boy turns into a cool werewolf due to an accident he has while fighting a tiny man in a robotic body-builder costume. Of course the other guy turns into a werewolf, so it's not that cool really. There's some confusion over who's the good werewolf and who's the bad one, mainly because the "good one" just can't stop putting Raven in his mouth. And no, I don't mean that sexually.
Episode 10: Can I keep him?
Remember that really freaking weird episode from Season Two where a guy named Killer Moth bred giant Killer Moths and used them to attack the city to force Robin to take his daughter to the prom? Me neither. Anyway, one of the larva was apparently adopted by Beast Boy who gives him to Starfire to take care of. At first she's hesistant, and then, looking into the worm's slimy eyes:
her uterus takes control of her brain and she enjoys taking care of the worm FAR too much. Seriously, it's freaking weird how fast Starfire takes to the whole "I'm a worm-mother" situation. Of course, she ends up feeding "Silkie" (that's its name) alien food that makes it grow to Godzilla-proportions...but not before she has an extended fantasy of Silkie graduating from college and playing in the park with her. Killer Moth makes a re-appearance just long enough for Silkie to explode into a giant pink edible pile of goo. An interesting thing to know is that not only does Silkie survived the whole self-exploding thing but also will appear in almost every episode of Teen Titans after this...as part of the decor. It's so weird to see a random mutant worm rolling around in the background, but hey, no one said this show was normal.
Episode 11: Bunny Raven
The Amazing Mumbo (yet again, from the 1st season) uses his magic to suck the Teen Titans into his magic hat (which is magic). Raven gets turned into a bunny, Robin a monkey, Beast Boy a telephone, Starfire a cat, and Cyborg a dancing bear in a tutu. Did I mention that this episode is filled with musical numbers and really, really weird stuff? Like, how everyone in the universe inside Mumbo's hat looks like Mumbo? This includes what is supposed to be Skeeter from the Muppet Show (pictured on the far right above) and Statler and Waldorf, the two critics that always made bad jokes on the show. Oh and you get to see Mumbo with breasts, which is a completely unsavory experience, I assure you. This episode's weird...but it's supposed to be. It surely doesn't hold a candle to "Mind Control Squid"...but what does?
Episodes 11 & 12: Titans East
Apparently, the Teen Titans are on the West Coast. A splinter group of heroes run to the East Coast to start their own Titan Tower. The team has the following members: Speedy (Robin clone with arrows), BumbleBee (black spunky girl who can shrink and fly), Aqualad (OMG, not again!), and my personal favorites: Más y Menos. Let's have a look:
Holy crap. There have been some weird character concepts on the Teen Titans, but this wins somehow. They're two twin midgets (or children...it's sort of unclear) who can move superfast when they touch each other. Besides having a superpower which requires them to grope one another, they also only speak Spanish. Wow. Spanish-speaking midgets who ride around on each other at super-speeds. I'm speechless.
As for what happens for the season finale, Cyborg comes over to the Titans East to help them build their tower and ends up joining them. Of course they're all slaves to...you guessed it: Brother Blood, and are all part of an evil scheme of his to get Cyborg back for blowing up base after base after base this season. Oh, and just in case you're not sure that the Titans East are evil...you can tell by the red glowing eyes. Remember, kids: glowing red eyes are the first sign of a morality problem. The "regular" Titans show up, fight the Titans East, and pretty much save the day. Actually, Brother Blood, who's also a cyborg now, uses his magical mind powers to capture the Teen Titans (a power we didn't know about until just now) and proceeds to rip off Cyborg's limbs in an effort to find out why Cyborg can't be mind-controlled by Brother Blood. There's this weird "clap your hands if you believe in magic" moment, and Cyborg magically wills himself back together and proceeds to rip Brother Blood apart. It's the classic struggle between a black cyborg named Cyborg and an evil school Principal who has Blood for his last name. Yeah, it's that touching. They don't really explain this, either, except maybe Brother Blood had magic elves for breakfast or something. I'm exaggerating, but that explains more than what the show does for you. Still, that's the end of Season 3.
BONUS CARTOON: The Lost Episode (found in Cereal Boxes near you)
Post Cereal had a super-secret Teen Titans episode available through one of their promotions. So with your Captain Crunch you could get an extra fix of Teen Titans. I really would be curious to know just how much Post paid to get this...since the episode is of the same quality as the regular ones. It's only half as long as a normal episode...but hey, it's done by the same people and is a legitimate episode for our purposes. The bad guy, Punk Rocket (pictured to the left), is nowhere near as cool as that picture would make you believe. Basically, he's a British punk-rocker (duh) who's got a magic guitar that shoots sonic waves and allows him to fly around (on the guitar). It's pretty amusing, because basically, you can tell that the people behind this didn't want to put TOO much effort into this episode, but still went far beyond what most would do for a "cartoon that will only be distributed with boxes of cereal." Beast Boy saves the day with a giant ball of ear wax and, well, Punk Rocket cries when his guitar stops working. Not bad, for a cereal cartoon.
But what will season 4 hold for us? What horrors lie ahead? And dear God, what could the bonus cartoon be if there are no more Teen Titans to be found within boxes of Rice Crispies? Do you dare continue?
Copyright 2005 jared von hindman, excluding those images which belong to their respective owners. The Cartoon Network logo is not affiliated with this website and appears only by accident, because it's really hard to get images for review via "fair use" reviewing when all the television channels put huge logos that take up a corner of the screen. Still, that's how we, the public, see it, so maybe it deserves to be there. And hell, if you're from Cartoon Network know that I'm only trying to pay respect to one of your great products. Now quit stressing and go make more cartoons for Adult Swim, damn it.