INSEMINOID: The film that dares to make pregnant women scary as hell.
There are some films that I dread having to write the review for. This has been one of them. I'll still try, but know that no amount of my ramblings can truly convey how freaking strange, odd, retarded, and cool (in a b-movie crap way) this film truly is. Made in the UK in 1981, Inseminoid is a film that I've overlooked at my video store for a while now. I kept reading it's title as "Insectoid" and decided to move on. Only when my eyes focused a few weeks ago on the film's actual title did it occur to me what wretched amazing thing had been so close to me this whole time. While I don't have a picture of its cover imagine this: A woman's legs spread with a big bug-eyed alien starring up at you from the crotch. Sweet. Mother. Of. God....what is this?
So what's Inseminoid really about? Obviously inseminating women with alien sperm is part of it, but there's so much more to this masterpiece. Taken at face value all I can say is that they really need to screen the kind of people they send into space. These guys have a smaller sense of self-preservation than horny teenagers in a Jason movie. Let's begin by getting all the extra crap out of the way:
Basically the plot is that somewhere out in space there's a scientific/mining project going on where they're digging up alien artifacts and rare pretty rocks. They uncover a magic glowing rock with immediately explodes injuring one of the men. He wakes up possessed by an alien force (and wearing mascara, the classic and most recognizable sign of alien and/or demonic possession) and runs around trying to strangle his fellow scientists and escape to the "alien mine tunnels" for some reason. He doesn't really do much. Oh wait. I'm so wrong. While he escapes into the tunnels (where he's later shot...he really doesn't matter, trust me) he brushes against another woman causing her to get her leg stuck between two pieces of "alien" sheet metal that she can't move. It's the sci-fi equivalent of "breaking a heel while being chased by the monster". Suddenly her life support's heating unit starts to fail. She starts getting worried but she gets advice over her radio (Don't worry about names, everyone's effectively named Gary in this film). Instead of me just telling you what JOYOUS thing happens let me just share a bit of the dialogue with you....
Gary 1 (woman): Oh God my life support is failing and my foot's caught!!!! OH MY GOD I'm Going to DIE!!!!
Gary 2 (Radio guy): Now calm down. My system tells me you've just got some of your life-support wiring crossed. It'll be easy to fix.
Gary 1: I'm going to freakin' DIE out here OH MY GOD I DON't want to Die.
Gary 2: Um Gary? Calm down all you need to do is push that button on your wrist. Can you see it? It's the blue one...
Gary 1: Sweet JESUS I'm so cold I'm going to die! I wonder if I should stick this oxygen tubing into my mouth...
Gary 2: What the hell are you talking about? Just push the button. It's easy.
Gary 1: (with buzz saw noise) aaaarggggggghahhhaahaahahahaahhhhhhhhh!
Gary 3 (guy next to radio guy): What the hell just happened?
Gary 2: Apparently Gary 1 was completely retarded.
So what did she do? Instead of trying to save herself she sticks her oxygen tube into her mouth (which is sadly the sexiest this film gets) and cuts off her foot. Then she dies.
This was the point when watching this film that I FIRST thought that they probably should have screened who they sent on missions like these. Sadly, it wouldn't be the last.
Now begins our descent into the "horror" of Inseminoid. Simply put, a woman and her friend are in the alien mine when she passes out and her friend gets decapitated by some random monster we can't see. She wakes up on a spinning glowing table with something spreading her legs and....let's just say there's green goo involved. Oh screw it, here:
This is the thing spreading her legs...
You didn't see this. Trust me.
We should move on. The alien "insemination" scene is kind of long, considering. Apparently part of the process is placing her on a spinning table with a lamp built into it....not to mention the giant phallic insertion of about a gallon of green goo. Seriously the alien keeps pouring the stuff...never mind. I feel dirty just talking about this.
So Momma ends up being found (pregnant and unconscious) and is brought back to the base. She wakes up....except it's no longer her. Apparently becoming pregnant makes you go completely psycho. She randomly kills another woman in the bathroom but that's not the funny part. Take a look at the picture:
Look at it. If you walked into a bathroom and found a woman giggling over the cooling corpse of your friend would you really sit there and ask "What's wrong?" Momma screams at the other crewmember and chases her. Said crewmember runs to the Safety room, locks the blast doors and declares a STATE OF EMERGENCY. I'm serious. One pregnant woman + one murder causes the entire crew to hide like scared little children. This movie isn't about a giant alien that inseminates women (thought that IS in the film). This movies is all about one crazy woman who gets impregnated by an alien and goes on an unstoppable killing spree. The funniest part? She has absolutely no powers or anything. She's not a soldier. They try to say that she has super-strength but quite frankly there's no evidence of it in the film. Her only defense mechanism is randomly flailing her arms in all directions, which is surprisingly successful. I think she's an effective monster not because she's cool or powerful, but because she's got here choice of victims; all the crewmembers are all effectively schoolchildren who submissively urinate on themselves at the first sign of trouble. Of course Momma's pretty scary. After shooting one of her crewmembers she leans down, unzips his pants and.....well, again, instead of me saying too much I'll let you see the picture:
I've heard that pregnant women have weird cravings, but if testicle meat was a common one, I'm sure more guys would use condoms. You'll notice the strangely sexy look on her face...and the fact that she's making eye contact with the guy while she has a mouthful of his sweet meats. (Let's move on....please.)
To make a long story short, Momma runs around killing everyone she sees using nail guns, welding torches, and other assorted tools. Apparently she's very hard to defeat despite the crew using this AMAZING combat maneuver:
The Uterus Crunch Foot Stomp
I swear to God this was my favorite moment in the entire film. By utilizing what I will call the "Uterus Crunch" maneuver, the crew actually beat the crazy mother down. Then they leave her and go hide again. What? Obviously these people aren't meant to survive.
The mother ends up giving birth to two alien babies. After doing so she immediately get up and starts throwing grenades at the surviving crew members. While she's distracted throwing explosive death at his crewmembers, one of the leaders decides to STEAL HER BABIES. This isn't discussed in the film he only brings the babies to the other survivors who immediately start taking care of them (pictured to the right). Now these aren't cute babies. These are bug-eyed fanged monsters that are still covered with placental after-birth. Gah.
I'll admit I was entertained by this film. Any film that has a crazy pregnant woman scaring the crap out of people is decent in my book. It's filled with plot holes and other stupid things but hell it's got a CRAZY PREGNANT WOMAN KILLING PEOPLE.
Anti-climatic wrap-up of plot: In the end Momma gets strangled and the victorious hero comes back to find that the alien babies have eaten the other survivors. Maybe taking the mutant alien babies wasn't the smartest thing to do. GOD these people are retarded....and God bless them for their entertaining stupidity. They all die and the alien babies hide on a spaceship so they can travel their way to Earth. :sigh:
There's scariness beyond the film. Apparently the actress who played the mother (Judy Geeson) has some sort of British cult following because of this film. Don't believe me? Check out IMDB's most recent listing for Mrs. Geeson:
Film Title: Judy Geeson: The Inseminoid Girl, Video, 2004 (That's LAST YEAR PEOPLE...23 Years AFTER THIS FILM Was made!)
Plot Outline: Interview with actress Judy Geeson who reflects on her role in the film Inseminoid as well as her work with the likes of Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee.
Oh dear lord. I can't imagine what the interview would be like. ("I found that by flailing my arms and drooling a lot I really found my vehicle as an actress.") Instead of ending this review here I'll end with the promise that one day I will own Judy Geeson's interview and share it with you.
Before I leave you, allow me to point out the true moral to this film: Do not get someone pregnant.....ever. If you get your woman pregnant she will go ape-shit and kill everyone around you. You have been warned. And because I may have not stressed it enough:
Pregnant Women = Testicle Eating
Don't get a woman pregnant. Ever.
Copyright Jared Hindman 2005 except what isn't stolen. Do any of the activities mentioned in this article (including but not limited to: Testicle eating, giving birth to alien babies, and filling a woman with about 4 pints of green "man-juice") at your own risk.