WHEN APPLIANCES ATTACK! (Sexually?)

Warning:  This article has sexual themes and a few dirty pictures I had to censor.  It's really not my fault, I swear.  Really.

It's been a while since I've done a "theme" night, hasn't it?  As a few of you might know, I watch FAR too many movies.  Often, I come away from the video store with an armful of videos only to come back for more the next day.  So, sometimes, I get a kick out of renting films that are somehow related.  The possibilities are endless.  From midgets with guns to 3-D extravaganzas to "horror movies about monsters who impregnate their victims" to God knows what else, I've probably made a night of it at some point.  What's the theme this week? 
Household Appliances. 
Now, chances are, you've seen a film or two that had some sort of evil/possessed/murderous appliance in it.  Requiem for a Dream was a great film, and, well, it did have a scary ass fridge chasing Ellen Burstyn (pronounced "burstin" as in "bursting with flavor?") all over her apartment.  All those "Final Destination" films are jam-packed with killer appliances and a few of you might have even viewed the best "killer television" movie out there:  Terrorvision.   So what movies did I choose?  What was the strict criteria that I applied to selecting what was truly part of the "When Appliances Attack" experience?  Sadly, the answer is that I gambled.  My ingenius method of selection?  I chose 3 films based solely on their name.  It sort of worked, and sort of sucked.  There was a lot of deviant sex involved for some reason.  By a LOT, I mean you see less breasts on a "Girls Gone Wild" video.  And only one of the films was really about a killer appliance.  Then again, deviant sex > killer appliances more often than not.

Are you  prepared for The Refrigerator, The Washing Machine and The Microwave Massacre?  God knows I was surprised.  I'm going to present the films in the order that I watched them, just so you can get some hint of the subtle degeneration of my evening.

Microwave Massacre (1983)

I think the picture above adequately summarizes the purpose of the film.  Yes, there is a microwave.  Yes, there is indeed a massacre.  But this film has more breasts in it than most pornographic films.  I'm sort of serious.  In the first thirty seconds into this movie we see (after the title/breast shot above) This shot:

You're looking at what the film's credits calls "Knothole Girl".  First minute of the film and there's a girl rubbing her breasts through a hole in a fence to tease some construction workers.  One of them proceeds to "jerk off" his shovel (I'm serious, sadly) before joining his fellow workers in their mad rush to grab the gazongas.  Hell, there're only 3 locations in the movie and one of them is a strip club.  Did I mention that there's a lot of sex in this film (and hence the large amount of ta-tas that adorn the screen almost non-stop)?  That's both very good and very bad, depending on how you tick.  If you're into breasts, then you'll probably dig this movie.  However, if you're not interested in watching the tubby bitch of a man, pictured to the right, caress and grope those breasts (and have loud sweaty sex) on-screen, then maybe Microwave Massacre isn't the film for you (or me).  The plot in a nutshell:  Donald is both impotent and unhappy with his wife's gourmet cooking.   He beats her head in with a peppermill and then accidentally(?!?) eats part of her.  Suddenly it becomes clear to Donald:  He can only cure his impotence by having sex with prostitutes that he eats post-coitus.  Just so we're clear:  sex with prostitutes and then he eats them.  Oh Lord.  Donald keeps killing until the microwave reacts with his pacemaker and he dies.  Oh, and that's supposed to be his dead wife's revenge from beyond the grave or something.  I really don't know.  There's a lot about this film that "I just don't know".  Like why they had to have Donald seduce a girl while she's dressed as a giant Chicken.  The whole scene comes across as a weird Furry moment, only because Donald can't SEE ANY PART OF THE GIRL while she's wearing the costume.  Of course she's naked 5 seconds later and we're hit with a whole batch of leg and breast jokes.  :groan:

I also don't know if I need to mention this, but I think this film was supposed to be a comedy.  Sadly, it's not got many jokes in it, just a lot of goofiness, a very unattractive leading man who "loves all the ladies," and a lot of ladies in need of love.  There is one scene that I have to share with you, only because if I had to see it, so do you. (Be grateful that I have no screenshots of Donald having sex.  Seriously, I may want to share horrible things with you, but hell, even I have to show mercy sometime.)

This is the typical state of affairs for Donald.  Prostitute or slutty girl on table, about to be porked something horrible then cooked rotisserie-style.  He ends up fooling around with a variety of women who like taking their clothes off and having greasy sex with big fat hairy Italian guys.  Every woman who shows up on screen shows us her breasts at some point in the movie (with the exception of Donald's old wife....thank God). There's not much fetishism or deviation from normal sexual behaviour.  With one exception:

Some women just LOVE having mayonnaise lathered slowly all over their body.  If I had to choose anything from my fridge to use sexually, mayo would not be very high on the list.  The girl pictured above is completely getting off on being made into a prostitute sandwich; moaning all types of erotic crap while Helman's is smeared all over her body.  Sweet Jesus.  What makes it worse is the fact that this little sequence is completely shot like a porno.  Sure, it's the "he's making a whore sandwich" joke, but really.  I think the director just wanted an excuse to grease up some random "actress" as part of a casting couch sex-audition thing.  Evidence supporting this idea includes the fact that the hands holding the spreading knife do NOT belong to the main character Donald.  (You can tell because they're not hairy sausage-sized fingers.)

Trivia Time:  The guy that plays Donald the impotent-but-not-when-he's-about-to-eat-a-hooker killer is Jackie Vernon.   You may not have seen him, but there's a strong chance you heard his voice when you were a child.  Besides this role, he was also the original voice of Frosty the Snowman in all those Christmas cartoon specials from the 1970's that they still play today.  So, he made kid's movies and.....this.  Wow.  Further irony is that Microwave Massacre was his last film.  A few years after the film came out he died of a heart attack just like his character in the film.  If I could type the Twilight Zone theme, I'd do it now.  (It just doesn't work: dododododododododododododododododdooooooo.  See?  I've got nothing.)  It's not really that spooky, but it amused me somehow.

You may have noticed that I haven't been talking about a microwave that much, despite the name of the film.  Basically, it's just a place for him to cook body parts, something they don't even show on-screen that much at all.  It's just sort of implied that he's using the microwave (because he dies from its use in the end).  The fridge where Donald kept all the body parts (including his dead wife's head) was more important to the story than the damn microwave.  Bah.  While this film was COMPLETELY BIZARRE (and filled with lots of T&A, it was severely lacking in hot "killer appliance" action.  Maybe our next film will have more killer appliances and less nudity.  Sadly the exact opposite was true.

The moral of Microwave Massacre:  Women = something for men to have sex with (and then potentially eat).  Gah.

The Washing Machine (1993)

 

Wow.  When I rented these films I was expecting kitchen appliances to be chopping up people left and right.  I did NOT expect this movie marathon to be so sexual.  Why am I saying this?  Remember how Microwave Massacre was sexual right from the beginning?  In the first few minutes of  The Washing Machine, we see a prostitute have crazy monkey sex involving their fridge while her sister masturbates to the whole scene and plays a triangle.  Wow.  Maybe I should have just rented a bunch of pornos.  I would probably have seen less sex that way.

The Washing Machine, directed by Ruggero Deodato (which translates roughly to "rugged deodorant"), is not a horror movie.  It is an Italian film (so rumor has it) and an intensely sexual psycho-drama/mystery where a body eventually gets stashed in a washing machine.  There's your title.  Man, if I'd wanted a marathon about movies named after places to keep/cook a body I would have rented Bodybags, The Freezer, or The Bucket.  What's the plot of this one?  3 sisters are living together (a prostitute who runs a strip club, a mousy musician, and a bisexual social worker who seduces the blind people she's supposed to be helping), when the prostitute's pimp is reported dead/missing.  A police officer investigates.  By "investigates" he has kinky sex with the sisters about a half dozen times.  Then, the sisters chop up the detective and put his body in the washing machine.  The end.  The whole experience comes across like a bad softcore Skinamax flick, with the sisters rubbing their dirty panties all over the detective whenever they get the chance.  I just felt dirty watching this one mainly because every other sex scene involved either the police officer being handcuffed and seduced or having ranch dressing licked off the crotch of his jeans.  Again, I wish I were exaggerating.    Oh, and did I mention a fair number of scenes take place in a strip club, much like our last movie?

What's the "best" scene, you might ask?  The "social worker" sister is leading a tour of blind people through a museum/church.  They run around groping the statues until the detective shows up.  Then the sister starts to have sex with him in front of the blind people who start to panic because their tour guide isn't answering their cries for help.  The whole thing turns into a Red Shoe Diaries Meets Night of the Living Dead, as the blind people slowly stagger about like zombies, their arms stretched out, desperately searching for their guide.  She's trying not to moan, but they zero in on her orgasmic cries.  They eventually touch her while she's having sex....which doesn't really stop her.  In fact, in a later scene the same sister gropes a blind girl to inspect her new breast implants.  The whole thing makes me a) feel kind of ill and b) think about pretending to be blind the next time I visit Italy.  Their social workers really go beyond the call of duty. 

Much like the last movie, every female member of the cast is contractually obligated to jiggle her breasts around on screen.  This film was an interesting counter-weight to Microwave Massacre, since it held the exact opposite Moral:  Men are for having kinky sex with before you chop them into tiny bits.  An alternate moral could be:  If you're having crazy monkey-scrump with 3 sisters, then they ARE planning on hacking you to bits and placing said bits into a major household appliance in the near future. 

The Refrigerator (1991)

Finally!  A movie named after a household appliance that actually has said appliance killing people.  This movie kind of made up for the lack of killer appliances by having not only a killer fridge but also: 3 killer electric fans, a possessed blender, and a leg-eating garbage can.  Of course, you have to wait until the last 5 minutes of the film to see any of that.  To be honest, I didn't have my hopes too high at this point, having struck out with the last two movies (killer appliance-wise).  The fact that the first scene of the Refrigerator involved a hooker having sex with an over-weight hairy Italian guy did not bode well.  Of course, as soon as they finish, the fridge eats her.  Thank God.  I've been waiting for something like this all night. 

This movie is a lot like The Shining.  Instead of a haunted hotel trying to control its tenant, we have a haunted fridge trying to control its tenants.   The plot in a nutshell:  Newlywed couple Steve and Eileen move into the big city (due to Steve's job) and by coincidence get a haunted satanic fridge in the process.  There's all types of strange things going on in this film from the Super-Plumber (don't ask) to this:

The fridge makes little people appear in it to get Steve to do its bidding.

Steve wakes up from this little fever-dream screaming:  "I AM THE WAFFLE-MAKER!"...and starts making waffles.  Waffles aren't mentioned in the film ever again after this and the "Wafflemaker" isn't a plot thing at all.  I can only assume this is the fridge making Steve act like a complete ass to show its domination over him.  Kind of like when my mistress makes me clean the kitchen floor naked with my tongue.  Ummm.  You didn't read that.  Never you mind.  Anywhooooo....

Much like every other film I watched tonight, there was indeed a sex scene in the kitchen.  And much like The Washing Machine, the fridge played a big role.  Steve's pretty much the refrigerator's slave (which eventually gets him stabbed and killed by his wife) and starts acting kind of weird.  Like, not being able to perform sexually unless he's doing the nasty where the fridge can watch.    Eileen is pretty oblivious to the whole thing...despite watching the fridge drip blood all over them during intercourse.  I'm sorry, but when things start spraying fluids on me during sex (uninvited), that's where I put my foot down.  Update:  Just so you know, nothing kinky is happening in the picture to the right.  I'd like to thank Jeff who emailed me asking if I'd posted an oral sex pic by accident.  I assure you, that's a picture of Steve stripping in front of the fridge...and Eileen's head just seems to be in an, shall we say, implicative place.

The fridge is also working its magic on Eileen, as it makes Hagen Daaz ice cream appear in the freezer, just so it can try to bite her when she reaches for it.  The fridge eats the family cat and hides Eileen's keys (don't ask me how).  It also ends up eating a couple of Hispanic people as well as Eileen's mother, but in the end the evil is defeated.  Well, not really...the survivors just get up and leave the damn apartment.  Of course they decide to leave AFTER the fridge summons the aid of all the other appliances in the house as I mentioned earlier.  It's a pretty good scene, but, well, yeah.  It DOES have an electric fan sawing the skin off the SUPER-PLUMBER's face, so that's got to be worth something.  A random guy gets his foot eaten by an evil garbage can, but really it's his own fault for sticking his foot into it as it charged him.  I think this movie's supposed to be a comedy, but much like Microwave Madness, it's not funny enough to really be anything besides yet another crappy horror film.  It's like how there are always a few jokes in any horror movie....that way when we watch it years from now a bunch of jerks can tell us it was meant to be a comedy. 

This film's moral:  "If your husband wakes up screaming the words: "I AM THE WAFFLEMAKER", that is a sign that something is seriously wrong." 

 

See this?  You see it?  Man being eaten by a major household appliance.  That's what I was expecting a marathon of.  Instead I got: 2 fridge-sex scenes, 27 shots of breasts, At least 15 sex scenes, a woman being lathered erotically in mayo, salad dressing crotch-licking, chicken-suit seduction, about 10 women whose characters were hookers, 2 strip clubs, about a dozen panty-shots, sex with handcuffs, a fridge ejaculating all over a married couple, and a whole bunch of softcore smut that I don't care to mention.  It's not that I mind a little spice in my films from time to time, it's just not what I was after tonight.  Now, I'm afraid that if I DO decide to make a "spicy film marathon," I'll get nothing but gore and monster appliances.  I just don't feel well.  I think that I'm suffering from softcore porn overload and a severe defiency of haunted kitchen violence.  I'm going to get plenty sleep and hope I don't dream of being the Wafflemaker.

The Moral of this Marathon:  Never judge a movie by its name.  Seriously.  You'll only get burned and attacked by women who want to show you their breasts before you eat them or they chop you into tiny pieces.  Promise.

-Jared

 

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copyright Jared von hindman 2005...except for the images which I've used to illustrate what the hell I go through for the sake of the love of film.  Those belong to their respective owners and are used through the joy of fair use.  Did I mention that I am the Wafflemaker?