Wow.  While the Killbots are already working hard on honing their killing skills, the kids are hoping to repopulate the mall faster than the robots can kill them.   Keep in mind that these are all mall employees after-hours.  They're having sex on the display-room floor.  Man, I worked in the wrong mall...but I digress.

That's Ferdy and Zoe.  They get names because they're apparently not into the whole sex = death thing.  What's Ferdy doing?  He's making his new girlfriend watch a bad horror movie.  The man, despite his name, is after my own heart.  For trivia geeks, he's watching "Attack of the Crab Monsters" by Roger Corman.  Oh, did I forget to mention that ROGER CORMAN AND HIS WIFE are the film's producers?  I hope you know what that means.  If you don't, may you never know.

Well crap.  Looks like there are NO VIRGINS  in this horror movie.  Everyone has earned the horrible death they're about to get.  By the way, if you lose control when you watch bad Corman movies, we should talk.   

If anyone has this fetish I could make you very very happy.

What happens while our young people are enjoying themselves on wholesale linen and furniture?  Protector 1 wheels by and looks in through the windows of the store.  He moves on, robotically chuckling to himself.  He's out there, waiting.  Who's going to be the one to give this Rent-a-cop gone wrong an excuse to declare martial law?

Couple #1, who we will call Beefcake and Silicone for reasons that should be clear,  start the game off for us.  Apparently, Silicone uses her namesake to motivate her slab of stupid boyfriend meat to go get her a cigarette from the machine in the mall.  The Chopping Mall, people.  Let the game begin.

Yep.  That's poor Beefcake.  If only Silicone hadn't needed that cancer-stick so badly then this wouldn't have happened.  What has our Killbot done?  If you read the first part of the review you're well aware of the Protector's arsenal.  Protector 1 puts the big greasy mass of flesh down with a sleeping dart.  Wait, I promised you the most evil robots ever and they put people to freakin sleep?  Oh and they mutilate sleeping people.  That's right.  The Protector drugs Beefcake before clawing him to death when he can't defend himself...or cry out to warn the others.  Pretty high on the evil scale, but nothing compared to what we're about to see.

Silicone comes out whining for Beefcake, bitching for cigarettes, and jiggling for money (hey, she was paid for this film right?).  I want you to take a good look at this girl's face.  Remember that she's paid to make herself more appealing...breasts, lips, and god KNOWS what else.  It'll be important later.  Silicone finds her boy's body leaning against the wall and starts shaking him.  As she notices that her beefcake is leaking, something magical happens.

It would seem that P-1 is a bad shot.  Though literally burning a hole in Silicone's panties as she runs away screaming, he suddenly misses a few times before stopping entirely.  Now we've already seen these things book....so its not like she's outrunning our little villain.  Nope, he's got something up his sleeve.  What is it?  Protector 1 makes an example of the young trollop, letting her run right until she's in front of the "Fornication Furniture" store.  Her friends watch, pulled from their warm post-coital glow by her screams.  And what, pray tell, does Protector 1 want them to see?

  Protectors 2/Kids 0

So our kids get separated at this point.  Yet EVERYONE realizes they're in a horror movie at this point:  Time to arm yourselves.  The girls flee while the guys try to fight---right up until the point when they're positive the girls can't see them run like sissies. Not that that's a bad idea...at this point 2 Protectors are raiding the furniture/sex den. 

The girls try to escape the sealed mall through the air ducts, only to find the vents burning hot.  "The computer must know we're up here, it must be trying to stop us."  Bah.  I think this explains a lot.  That "practice" we saw earlier?  Those were the computer technicians...I think the Killbots gave the mainframe the join us or die option.  "I'm sorry, Dave, but the Protectors made me."  But let's get back to my heroes...

The Protectors are playing a psychological game here....its a definite part of their evil nature.  After terrorizing the kids by blowing up every prop the director could afford, they leave, letting the girls and the guys to their own devices.  Each group will have to face off during round 2, lets see how they did...

So how did the girls do?

That's how well the girls did.  Despite the genius idea about creating Molotov cocktails, the sheer evil of the Protectors comes through here best.  A vulnerable villain would hide, sneaking up on his victims until there was nothing that they could do to escape.  The Protectors?  They come right at you, daring you to do whatever you can.  Its the whole big fish little pond thing.  Megatron retreats if he's alone....rarely does he just say come get me (and mean it...talking smack has always been required for cartoon villains).  Imagine a super villain against a group of kids in a shopping mall.  Would he even bother not going straight for them?  These 'bots are cocky, proud and taking their sweet time killing these poor folks.  Not only does Protector 2 laugh at the puny fire all around him, but he proceeds to blast the Molotov cocktail that poor Suzy is holding.  Suzy dies the horrible death she intended for the Protector.  Yay.

No one else cares as much about these guys as I do, so I'll speed through the next few bits. (You're welcome)

The kids finally score (sort of) by blowing up the cables holding up the elevator.  Protector 2 falls down the shaft, never to seen again.  Its a lame defeat, but I have to give the kids points when they earn it.  Or when the robots give it to them.

Suzy's boy gets himself thrown off the top of an escalator by Protector 3, leaving the final two couples to fend for themselves.  Their retaliation:  The Mannequin Mirror defense.  And it works! (sort of)

I'd really like to point out these kids aren't stupid.  Sure it might have been best to hide, but as they found out, there's no hiding from these bad boys.  They had sex and stayed too late in a mall.  Working in a mall with robotic security guards may be their stupidity, but I still shop at Wal-Mart even though Satan runs the place.  What are you going to do?

So they're dead. Ferdy and Zoe, the closest things we have to virgins, are wandering around looking for a mysterious computer to stop the remaining robot.  Its Protector #1....the one that strangles sleeping beefcakes and blasts collagen encrusted heads. 

Protector 1 corners Zoe, not giving her the laser treatment but slowly rolling forward, savoring the kill.  Ferdy busts in, his gun blazing, shooting P1 in the head.  "Laser Malfunction, Laser Malfunction" screams Darth Megatron.  My bet?  He's lying. Him shouting "laser malfunction" as he chases the little dork is just his way of saying "Can't give you a quick death with my laser, I'm going to have to tear you apart with my claws. Terribly sorry."  Ferdy gets his butt handed to him by throwing a fire extinguisher at our Killbot, and promptly having it thrown right back at him.  Coughing up blood and not moving, Ferdy is assumed dead.  

The Killbot chases after the escaped Zoe, who's taken refuge under a counter in a pet store. The Killbot moves around "accidentally" crashing into a few aquariums...RELEASING TARANTULAS AND SNAKES all over Zoe.  P1 stands there forever as she fights her "I'm afraid of something and I want to scream" response, pretending he doesn't see her down there.  These are sadistic robots.  They pretend they don't see you and release spiders and snakes to flush you out of hiding?  Jesus.

oh on with the death. I'll be anti-climatic:

Ellis Paints would like you to know that they are there for ALL your KILLER ROBOT destroying needs.  Ellis paint was one of the companies who funded this film, so I can only guess they thought this was some sort of product placement.  P1 dies in a heap of cans of paint and paint thinner.  Wow. Ellis is DEFINITELY the brand for me.

In the end Ferdy is ok and him and Zoe hold each other as the film ends completely Protector-free.

Yeah, the poor Protectors all died in their moment of violent glory, but at least for one night they didn't take crap from anyone.  Big Fish, Little Pond.  While some fictional robots are happy being the little guy forever and ever, some robots want to burn brighter, if only for a little while.

-Jared 2/5/04