BEING RON JEREMY: Because we all want to be a hairy, overweight 50-year old man with a big weenis.
When did Ron Jeremy become a household name? What makes him so memorable? There's got to be other guys who've made a lot of porn...and there are, I assure you. Maybe it's the repulsiveness that makes Ron Jeremy so memorable? I know NO woman who finds him attractive....I asked around. No, the general consensus is Ron Jeremy's not sexy. At ALL. That's got to be part of it. Of course there's also the fact that he's made a few notable appearances in "mainstream" cinema. Boondock Saints and Orgazmo both come to mind, but then again there he was ALSO playing a short hairy pervert....obviously quite a stretch from his adult video career. Actually, this brings up a weird issue: Should porn actresses be called "actresses?" How hard is it to "act" like you're having sex when you're, well, having sex? Then again, if they're having sex with Ron Jeremy, there's got to be a little acting going on there. I mean, they don't break down crying or cursing God for the sad lot life's given them (well, most of the time they don't). Money's probably involved in there somewhere (and yes, for the right price even I'd have sex with Ron) but that's just me going on a tangent. I still don't know how the entire nation seems to know who "The Hedgehog" is...but you have to admit he's got pretty good name-recognition going on.
So what should you do when you have too much fame on your hands? Branch out into a new medium. Sadly, I can't imagine Ron pulling a Shatner and releasing an album of himself singing. Instead of doing that, Ron Jeremy decided to take part in the sequel to "Being John Malkovich." That's sort of a joke, but it's also 100% accurate. "Being Ron Jeremy," made in 2003, is pretty much a remake of the Malkovich film. The original film was deep, weird, and sometimes moving. The same thing can NOT be said of the Ron Jeremy parody. A loser by the name of Brian Pickles (who is also played by the director, oddly enough) finds a tunnel in the back of a porn shop that leads into Ron Jeremy's head where he stays...until Ron Jeremy farts. So yes: Ron Jeremy's flatulence is actually important to the plot. It's just like the original, only a nerd takes over Ron Jeremy's body to further his own career (instead of puppets, it's stand-up comedy). Of course, Ron ends up farting when the Gas-X fails, spiraling the plot out of control. Oh and I almost forgot to mention that there's an insanely long video montage involving Ron Jeremy losing his ability to control his orgasm because loser virgins are possessing him. Sweet mother of God, I really need to stop renting and reviewing movies on dares. Since I feel guilty already reviewing this (and there's not as much to say as usual), let's walk through the Highlights of the flick and be done with it:
Nothing says "this is a good movie" quite like the DVD menu telling you which option is currently selected with topless porn stars. Seriously. In the movie there are indeed a few porn "actresses" (God damn it, I'm going to have to start calling them performers...and "porn performers" just looks weird and more kinky than what I mean to say) in it, but this is NOT a porn film. It just happens to be about porn and if you want to see your favorite porn actresses fully dressed...well, yeah. I will say this: There is more nudity in the DVD menu than the entire film (and I can't even show you a shot of the "Language selection" screen). Oddly enough, you keep waiting for the porn scenes to start....because there are porn stars on the screen AND the whole flick's shot on cheap grainy video tape, just like all those no-budget "we found a girl with low self-esteem" pornos your uncle and his friends used to make in his basement that you pretend you don't know anything about.
There is one amazingly funny thing in this movie: comedian Andy Dick. If you don't know who he is, I officially hate you. He plays himself in the movie....well, he plays himself as Ron Jeremy's porn acting coach. It's comedy gold, but that doesn't make for good commentary on my part (but I HAD to point out his part). As such let's move on to the really scary thing:
Ron Jeremy smashes a watermelon, Gallagher-style, with his penis.
Yes, you really did see that and thank Heavens for censor blurs. Ron Jeremy smashes a watermelon with his penis. I'm torn. That's almost very awesome and almost really disturbing. Gah.
How could I share this film and NOT include a picture of Ron Jeremy kissing another man?
A few days after shooting the film, the downstairs neighbor who played Ron Jeremy's Dad died. So the crew decided to dedicate the film in loving memory of George Kepouros. Huh. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing to have a porno comedy about Ron Jeremy's cock and flatulence dedicated to you, but I can just imagine George's family's expressions if Ron Jeremy and the film crew had shown up at the funeral:
George's son: "Hey Sis? Isn't that Ron Jeremy?"
George's daughter: "Holy crap. Why the hell are all these porn stars here?"
George's son: "There are parts of my father's life I really don't ever want to know about. I won't ask if you won't."
George's daughter: "Deal." (as she slowly scoots away from the far too close Ron Jeremy)
I think the big issue this film raises (pun unintentional) is what would YOU do if you were in control of Ron Jeremy? While the film just shows a bunch of sexually defective boys having sex with porn stars (alright, not really, but it's implied), I'm sure that we can figure out something better to do if we where in control of The Hedgehog. Think about all the chaos you could wreak. Personally, I think I'd just show up on my ex-girlfriend's lawn and start shouting far too personal information. Of course, that's funny even if they don't realize I'm Ron Jeremy. This raises a sort of interesting point. If you saw Ron Jeremy on the street, would you REALLY recognize him? I can sort of imagine Ron Jeremy having a lot of lonely nights if he didn't try to advertise who he was. I can just picture the T-shirt that reads: "Hey, Ladies: I'm Ron Jeremy. Let's dance."
Random thought: If guys all talk about the size of their junk, do women do the same thing when no guys are around? Do women brag about their crotch and give it nicknames like "Grand Canyon" or "The Beartrap of Love?" Is there a weird set of pornos out there where big women have sex with men with small peni? Somehow I doubt all that, but it's fun to pretend.
I'm not sure what else to say, because the Ron Jeremy images are haunting me. As such, I'll just end with an image:
Oh dear Lord. The website's starting to get self-referential.
Copyright 2005, jared von hindman...except for screen captures that, well, aren't mine to copyright. Oh and Ron Jeremy: You totally rock and anyone who mocks you is just jealous. So very jealous. Maybe.