Why Did I Rent This Movie
Someone Stab My Head
---A haiku by Jared, which attempts to convey his anguish, but fails miserably.
Why did I rent Jack Frost? Over the years it's leaped out at me (almost literally) from the Horror section of many a store. The fact that it came out before the Michael Keaton version (where Keaton also dies and comes back as a snowman, this time of the non-homicidal variety) always screamed "Oh my god, not again." You see, when Hollywood puts a lot of money in a project (or doesn't and just goes the "marketing" route) there are a handful of "less respectable" film studios that rush to climb onto the bandwagon. You've all heard of Jurassic Park, right? Well, when that film came out in 1993 there were a slew of ready-made copycats, most notably the illustrious "Carnosaur" series. I always assumed someone leaked the plot of Keaton's new film and at least one person thought the trend might hit the big time. Excuse me? What's more likely is there was a dare involved, as well as copious amounts of tequila.
Unbelievably, the same man who wrote Identity wrote and directed this monstrosity. Lots of tequila, I tell you, and possibly a lap dance. Who knows about those weird Director-types. Let's take a look at why this crap burns as it penetrates your eyes.
crap. I can understand why I was tricked. This is a fairly
good example of Cover-fu, where the distributors of a film ninja-grab
your attention with what may or may not be in the movie. You
usually see Cover-fu when the film has a no-name cast and one has-been
or even decent actor who blows his nose near the camera. This
nose-blowing is changed to the word "stars" for the sake of
Cover-fu. But I digress. How many deaths are in this
film? Four or five if my brain registers correctly...and how many
are on the back cover? That's right. Three. The cover
art is better than the actual snowman in the movie. I mean take a
look at him. Cover: Human skull covered in ice. That
works for me somehow. Movie: Muppet that can do nothing but
smile. He's much more....goofy and merchandise-friendly in the
actual film. And if memory serves, I remember that back in the
states there was a shiny HOLOGRAPHIC FOIL cover for Jack Frost.
How many respectable movies put 3-D optical illusions on their
covers? Only Cover-fu uses such devices, with the possible
exception of The Frighteners. When you see foil or shiny,
just put down the box. Seriously. PUT. DOWN. THE. BOX.
Not heeding my own advice, I rented this film and watched it with a few of my friends. Now by friends I mean captive cinema lab-rats. I like to think of my posse as being rather thick-skinned when it comes to films. Hell, they survive my crapilicious horror film marathons and still talk to me. Jack Frost? Its the A-Bomb of B movie socializing. I'm still looking to get a few cd's back...it's like I've been dumped.. If you need someone to disappear from your life, rent this movie.
Why Jack Frost Melts My Brain (in two parts):
1. The Lines. Jack Frost is very much a talking villain. This is where the "humor" comes in. Its all vaudeville or even physical humor. Watching a puppet snowman pretend he's playing baseball as he throws an icicle has never been funny. Hell the tag-line for this film is: "He's Chillin'...and Killin'." I think that sums up the method behind the comedy. I really, really don't want to live through more examples. So I'll move on.
2. Besides the offensiveness of his humor (offensive because it assumes someone will laugh thereby assuming that chimps rent films) there is one character that will stab you in the brain. The young kid in the film is only entertaining if you assume he is retarded. This may have been intended; as the child's mental deficiency comes in as a save-the-town plot device. How, might you ask? The child has been cooking the entire film. First we see him making diarrhea-esque oatmeal and later we see him putting real snow on his snowman cookies to make them authentic. Cute? Maybe. The oatmeal ends up saving the day when it mysteriously melts Jack Frost. When asked what he put in it, the boy replied: "Anti-Freeze...I didn't want you to get cold." Wow. So this is a) the most neglected child to be able to play around with dangerous chemicals AND an open flame or b) a young budding mastermind of Super-villain proportions. I can only hope that the young boy pretends to be retarded only to let other people drop their guard. Anti-Freeze in the oatmeal? Let's just hope his razorblades in the apples and the Drano in the coffee can both save the town too. I think I need to start acting retarded to begin my oh-so-subtle killing spree.
On a side-note: Never trust what anyone ever says on Internet Movie Database. As a film-maker myself (I suck, but that's beside the point) I know for a fact that the people who work on the film also try to review it and improve its rating. (I also wear a tin pyramid hat to deflect Communist mind-control beams and think all vegans survive off the souls of those around them). If you do enough digging, you can find that old entry where they admit their involvement. If a mother's child has a cleft palate, a club foot and three legs she'll still love them...if you work on crap you'll most likely love it all the same. So be very careful when people say things like: "I don't know why everyone says this film is terrible." or "It has Great Special Effects and Good Acting." For the last quote (for Jack Frost), I can only hope that the capitalization is an advanced form of sarcasm.
All in all this, film is brain-numbing and rather boring for a film all about a magical mutant killer snowman. You know what the worst thing is? I think I may have to rent the sequel someday. Of course, I'll need more friends first. God I have a death wish.
|copyright 2004 Jared, except for stolen thingies|