The Chesty Morgan Double Double F Feature!
Warning: The article you are about to read is about Chesty Morgan. Since Chesty Morgan's films all revolve around her breasts, there's going to be some scary pictures that may offend you. There is no nudity, but there is a lot of skin. I think it has something to do with them not making clothes in Chesty Morgan's size, but that's neither here nor there. If you're too young to fathom a woman with natural breasts each the size of a full-grown watermelon, this article isn't for you.
If you read the warning, then you already know what you need to. Or you might know more than you wanted to. Either way, your morbid curiosity should carry you through to the horrors that are to come. This is a short article, and you'll thank me for that later. Chesty Morgan was a Polish actress that, in her 50's, got a short film career due to the ginormous size of her breasts. Now I'm sure there are actresses out there that have gotten their roles due to their physical endowments but in Chesty Morgan's case these films probably couldn't be made if her breasts where nightmarishly huge. As in her boobs are actually important to the plot. I can't believe I just typed that and meant it. Let's get something out of the way:
Say hi to Chesty Morgan....and her breasts. According to her movies, her measurements are 73FF-32-36. I know nothing of what measurements mean beyond the cup size (because there are certain things guys pick up eventually) but I do see that, in the picture above, that that isn't a bra she's wearing but a freaking BOOB SLING. Also don't hate me for knowing her measurements...they're listed on the box and even in the title of one of here films. Chesty Morgan's one of those voluptuous older women, which pretty much means she's overweight but not unattractive. Of course she also possesses the ONLY breasts I've ever seen that are best described as "disgustingly huge bags of fat with nipples." That's not a bad thing for some people, but the name fits. Now, Chesty is not a porn star. She's an actress from a very small genre of film known as sexploitation. There's no sex in the films, but that doesn't the mean the film doesn't try to be erotic. Note the word "try" in the last sentence. There are few scenes in any of Chesty's films that I can pretend are downright "sexy" and you'll understand why in just a moment. (Both films are directed by Doris Wishman...if you know the name then you're already beyond hope of a cure.) Let's take a look at her first film, "Deadly Weapons."
You can tell by the poster that Chesty's breasts, or at least her being nude must be important to the plot. This is ALWAYS the case in Chesty's two films, but like I said, it's accurate. So what's this movie about really? Mobsters kill Chesty's man and she decides to hunt them down and kill them in the name of revenge. The plot's nothing new. So what is. Do you know how she kills her victims? First off she seduces them (getting job as a dancer helps her find them somehow), leading them back to her apartment where she gives them a drink laced with a drug that paralizes them. So they sit there, muttering something about why they can't move, when Chesty stands up and the horror begins.
Chesty begins to take off her high-tension boob sling as REEK-REEK-REEK horror movie music comes out of nowhere. You, in the audience, sit there confused. I mean yeah, she's stripping...but what's going on with the music. REEK-REEK-REEK-REEK-REEK-
DA-DAAAAAAA! The music starts to spaz out as Chesty throws her sling away and waves her boobs in the air. Arms held high, you can't figure out exactly what she's doing here. Until she charges, like a wild rhinoceros lugging two saline-filled potato sacks. Wait. She's charging? What....
Hold on a second. Is she?...no, there's no way...
Ladies and Gentlemen, this movie is INDEED about how Chesty Morgan murders men by smothering them with her boobs. That's all there is to it. Death by Boobs. Christ. I don't know what else to say except if anyone out there wants to kill me, this'll work. In fact, breasts are my kryptonite...so smothering with them may actually be the ONLY way to off me.
On a side note, whenever there's any other kind of scene, get used to shots such as this one:
Maybe it's a butt, maybe it's a breast. Whatever it is, you're looking at a shot taken during a phone conversation. Apparently whenever the cameraman got bored he just started zooming in on the random crevasses of one Chesty Morgan. That said, let's take a quick look at Chesty's OTHER breastacular film.
Holy crap. Not only is her breast size in the title of the film, but check out that tagline: "Watch out for the booby traps....they're explosive!" Sweet mother of all that is holy what the hell is this crap. Of course, the poster and title aren't the only things hyper-focusing on Chesty's...er...chest. Take a look at the DVD menu:
I have nothing clever or witty to say about that, but just look at it. Gah. This one's even better than the last. Well, maybe not, but it's different. You're not going to believe me when I tell you the plot of this one.
Say hello to Double Agent 73. She's just come out of surgery (as you can tell by the bandage over her left teet. No, they didn't fill here breast with explosives, as promised by the film's cover. They did give here a special implant thought. A device that she can activate at any time by squeezing her breast. So what does every super spy need?
That's right. Every super spy needs to have a camera implanted into their nipple. While I understand the need to get Chesty naked as much as possible, it's hilarious to see a super spy break into someone's office, place the secret documents on the desk, and then take off their shirt and start groping their tits all over said documents. It's really, really random. But I didn't need to tell you that. By the way, in case you were curious, her other nipple acts as a flash. Seriously. :sound of brain caving in:
The director wants you to know that the scene where Ms. Morgan gets beaten up and bound in tight, restrictive cloth was vital to the film's character development.
On a similar note, the director wants to point out that the double exposure at the film's end is, in no way, meant to be sexually implicative.
See? A phallic jet plane taking off from between Chesty Morgan's monster boobs isn't sexual at all. Nope. Not. At. All.
Chesty's also made a cameo in a Fellini film, but you've just looked at the only real films she's known for. By "known for" I just mean that once you see Ms. Morgan jiggle her orbs of flesh and charge the camera or kill someone and stand over their body squeezing the bejesus out of her left boob, something inside you changes. The world becomes darker and you never look at breasts the same way ever again. So you walk away from these films fearing breasts or you start having these weird dreams that you don't want to tell anyone about. I'm not going to say how I responded to this film, but I will expound on my previous idea:
Like I said. This could indeed be the ONLY way to kill me. I swear. Please?
copyright 2005, jared von hindman. The images are used via Fair use and honestly, do you think I'd own the copyrights to images of women killing men with their breasts? Don't answer that. Nevermind.