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Toys: the trilogy!
There are lots of things to be afraid of when you're a kid. Be it spiders, monsters, or just other kids, there's never a shortage of stuff to fill your nightmares when you're under four feet in height. Of course, some things end up giving us all types of nightmares when they really shouldn't. I'm sure we all know someone who's afraid of clowns, for example. In a similar vein, please enjoy today's article. We're going to talk about toys. Cute, innocent, lovable toys. Of course I'm talking about the toys pictured above, so maybe that description isn't the best. In 1992, Full Moon pictures decided to follow up their incredible love of murderous puppets with a movie featuring just that. I've talked about Full Moon's love of tiny mayhem machines before, but just to refresh your memory, Full Moon are the people who are more or less behind Puppet Master (and its 8+ sequels), Ghoulies, Dolls, Dollman, The GingerDead Man, and a bunch of other Muppet-themed horror flicks. Demonic Toys ended up spawning two sequels both of which actually did something that I'm not sure is that incredibly common: They crossed over with other movies. Part 2 is actually the sequel to three completely unrelated movies, while part 3 is actually a crossover between the company's two most popular "killer puppet" lines: Demonic Toys vs. Puppet Master (and stars Corey Feldman, which is actually insane in its own right). So all the sequels to the original are also sequels to other movies. Kinda neat, right? Well, I like to pretend. Let's talk about the original so we can get to the TRULY strange movies in the series.
Before we get to the toys, let's meet our heroes:
Meet Judith Gray. She's a cop who's also a pregnant mother. The father of the child gets murdered in the film's opening scene in what could only be described as the most poorly planned stakeout in police history. Seriously. You'd think that if you went undercover to catch gun smugglers you'd at least ASSUME they might actually, you know, have guns. So her lover is dead, there's something in the oven, and her man's killers just escaped into the haunted toy factory. I'm getting ahead of myself, but for now all you need to know is that Judith's fatally wounded one of the goons and she's chasing them into a warehouse filled with toys. And evil.
There's also the required male lead in Demonic Toys. You know, because every film needs a good-natured rebel, even if he really doesn't do anything except give the director an excuse to put naked women up on the screen. Say hello to Mark:
Nothing makes a hero quite like watching him smell pornography. When a greasy security guard hands him an obviously well-manhandled magazine featuring nude big-breasted women, his first reaction is to smell the damn thing. Jesus. This is pretty much the most he does. Oh wait, he also has a killer set of wheels. Since he's the leather-jacket clad bad boy of this picture, his vehicle of choice has to fit into that theme. As such:
He drives a car with a giant chicken on top of it. Did I forget to tell you that he's a delivery boy for Chunky Chicken? Mark's excuse for being in the haunted toy factory is that the security guard there (because SOMEONE has to protect it) loves his fried chicken "chunk-style".
And that's our heroes. There's also a little girl who lives in the air ducts and a security guard...but the point is that the protagonists don't do very much (besides set a car-mounted chicken on fire) throughout the entire film. The toys however...Oh LORD the toys.
The demon of the picture is an evil spirit trapped within the walls of the toy factory. His big plan is to speed up Judith's pregnancy and possess her baby so he can be born, unleashing all sorts of horrors upon mankind. Of course he presents himself as a green-eyed kid that likes to talk about...well, I'll let him speak for himself. Here he is explaining his plan to Judith:
"We're going to do the nasty."
O_O Wow. Demon-kid doesn't say that they're going to have "sex." There's no "screwing or humping or scrumping." He's only going to "do the nasty." He talks about it FAR too much as well....so if you want to hear little kids talking about doing the nasty so they can slip inside you, then this is totally the film for you. Gah. I need to stop talking about this film's reverse-pedophile tendencies before the CIA put me on some spooky watch list.
This is the demon's "Let's do the nasty" body that he uses when it's time to rape Judith. The problem is, his REAL form is a little boy (I think and you'll understand why in a moment) making it all the more disturbing.
So how did the demon kid end up being trapped in the toy factory? With the magic of the flashback, let's explore the answer to that question.
This isn't the first time the demon tried to be born. Apparently, 66 years previous, he tried and was born dead...with his evil spirit trapped within the horned corpse of dead baby. Elderly Satanists know that they need to do something with their master's corpse. Then the doorbell rings and the solution presents itself...
Those are trick-or-treaters, and the elderly Satanists are INDEED putting the demon corpse baby into their candy bag. God damn, I love this movie. Imagine you're going house to house getting your Halloween-related candy fix. Suddenly some old folks dump SOMETHING into your bag and tell you that "He's like a seed...plant him somewhere safe so he can grow up strong." I'm willing to bet that you would NOT respond the way these kids do and just smile and say thank you. Of course, maybe you would, as it's generally a good policy to not do anything unbecoming when people bigger than you are giving you dead baby corpses to bury for them.
Of course the kids DO eventually look at what the hell is in their bag (making their candy all greasy with infernal fetus), freak out, and let the body drop into a hole at a construction site. The site eventually becomes a toy factory and now it all makes sense. The demon needs human sacrifices (not really, plain old murders will do) to increase his power. When the wounded gun smugglers stumbles, he pretty much meets a horrible death. While he doesn't talk during the scene, below I've written my own dialogue that I think helps the dramatic push of the moment succeed.
"Man, I could go for some candy. I wonder what's inside this box. Maybe it's candy!"
"Hello Clown Head. Do you have any...um...Ah. The rattle....so distracting."
"Oh, now I remember, do you have candy?"
"This isn't Candy! If anything, this is the opposite of candy."
"Oh look, a friendly teddy bear. Will you be my friend?"
"Are you candy? Maybe if I touch you, you'll totally turn into a 3 Musketeers bar."
"I LIKE candy."
"A 3 Musketeers Bar doesn't eat my fingers off! I'm starting to suspect you're not candy at ALL!"
Man. Now I actually want some candy. I do know what I don't want:
An evil baby doll stabbing me in the crotch, that's what I don't want. Ever.
Demonic Toys has a few "signature" evil toys that, besides appearing on the box, are really the only puppets that murder anyone. Most of these guys will be in coming back in the other movies, so let's get the introductions out of the way.
This is baby Oopsy Daisy. He's a foul-mouthed little bastard who is the only toy that talks. He's nothing special in the first film, but he does like to shoot and stab people when he gets the chance. He's also stupid quotable, if you like to quote horrible movies about demons doing the nasty and evil toys.
Baby Oopsy Daisy: "I'm Baby Oopsy Daisy. I can laugh, I can cry, I can even $#!+ my pants. Can YOU $#!+ YOUR pants?" :shoots tubby security guard:
I don't know why that line amuses me so much...maybe I just dig the whole "OMG he's cute but he talks like a filthy sailor" thing. It's the whole "South Park" appeal...cute but horrible when you hear them speak.
This here's "Jack Attack". He's a Jack-in-the-box/clown/snake. I guess. He's got a baby rattle for a tail (get it, he's a rattlesnake) that for some reason is distracting as hell. He pretty much shakes it to divert your attention so he can go for your jugular. While I have to admit that's pretty weird, it'd take a hell of a lot more than a baby rattle for me to ignore the fanged clown from my nightmares.
I'm pretty sure the name of this one is "Zombitoid" or something (I think...it's sort of unclear). He's a robot. With lasers. I don't get the zombie part, but hey, I didn't make this crap up. He also bores me. Let's get to the really scary one.
Now earlier (you know, the whole "candy" thing) I showed you some pictures of the scariest freaking Teddy Bear out there. The Bear really is the most screwed-up awesome thing in the movie, only because it's so overtly evil without seeming dumb. Oh, who am I kidding. It's a freaking rubber bear puppet that rips people's face off. What could be worse?
Damn it. Monsters aren't supposed to be able to use tools. The fact that he hides behind stuff so he can bludgeon you with a baseball bat is beyond screwed up. The Teddy bear actually gets bigger as the film progresses until he ends up just being an actor in a giant bear costume. Just thought you should know. This way, if you ever have a bear infestation you'll know that you need to get rid of them while they're still small. Pest Control charges an arm and a leg when it comes to removing Bear-sized teddy bears from your property.
Besides evil toys there's also weird hallucination things running around the haunted warehouse, mostly in the form of little girls in gasmask on tricycles. Yeah, I don't know either.
The demon also tempts Mark with a vision of the girl he sniffed in the porno magazine earlier. Wait. Is that the secret? If I start smelling filthy magazines, will infernal forces bring them to me? Why didn't anyone tell me this sooner?
Towards the end of the film, "all the toys" come to life. What this really means is that the director went to a few flea markets and got generic toys that interns hiding under blankets shake up and down and pretend that they're alive. If you look closely in the picture above, you'll notice the rare "Mr. T" punching doll. I don't know why this is unsettling to me, but it just is.
The Donald Trump doll is also particularly horrific.
Towards the end of the film, a "good" toy shows up to save the day. This is eventually what lets good triumph over evil. Creepily enough, this is the spirit of Judith's unborn son. Let's skim over that controversial issue for the moment. When it's time to fight the demon (who is already doing the nasty to Judith), things get weird.
Wait. So the toy soldier turns into a little boy? Alright. Whatever. The demons a freaking DEMON, so I'm sure that this isn't going to really help Judith avoid being done (nastily).
...unless of course the demon ALSO turns into a little boy. Funnily enough the film's climax is just a couple of 9-year-olds wrestling. (Please CIA, take me off your watch list, I'm only reporting this. Really. The film really does end with little boys fighting over who gets to be inside Judith's womb. Both really, really want to be inside her.)
While the boys are slapping each other silly, Judith stabs the evil demon boy in the chest. Of course he transforms back into his demon form NOW. It's got a bit to do with the whole "you can't murder children on-screen, even if they're really evil" law. Look it up. That's not even a joke.
As promised, Mark blows up his Chunky Chicken mobile in a goofy attempt to kill the (now giant-sized) teddy bear. Funnily enough he lights the explosion by throwing a flaming doll. Man, this film works on so many levels. If you're retarded.
I think I can say with a straight face that Demonic Toys is the most pro-life film I've ever seen. If you ever want to convince someone that abortion is horrible, horrible thing, make them watch this movie. Here Judith talks to her unborn son, who's only a few weeks old in her womb. I really think a lot of people wouldn't be pro-choice if PHANTOM VERSIONS OF THEIR UNBORN CHILDREN materialized to tell them that they're looking forward to being born. Of course, the pro-life argument has a flaw in this film. If Judith HADN'T been pregnant then there wouldn't have been a chance the demon could have been born and brought down the Apocalypse on us. So unborn kids talking to you is pro-life, but the whole "giving birth to the Antichrist" thing is phenomenally pro-choice.
Man, who would have thought a movie called Demonic Toys would have brought up such an ethical dilemma?
Dollman Vs Demonic Toys! (1993)
Now THIS is what I call a sequel. Now, most sequels are completely unnecessary. Sequels to terrible movies are twice as unnecessary. Dollman vs. Demonic Toys is actually the sequel to 3 different unnecessary films, thereby making it THE MOST UNNECESSARY SEQUEL OF ALL TIME. That doesn't make it any more or less awesome, but I thing it's pretty much the case. Demonic Toys Vs. Dollman is the sequel to Dollman, Demonic Toys, and Bad Channels. You're familiar with Demonic Toys at this point, but what the hell is Dollman and Bad Channels, right? All will become clear in a moment, mostly because over half the film is taken up by flashbacks to footage from older films. It's kind of tacky, but at least it lets you figure out what's going on. Sort of. My pet theory is that this film was made to promote the earlier films, something that is reinforced when you notice the "Demonic Toys" box set includes a copy of Dollman, but not Demonic Toys 3. But that's my own pet theory. It's all goofy back-story and set-up for the first 45 minutes...so nothing really happens until the movie's almost over.
Are you ready for a healthy dose of vitamin B, ladies? Say a sweet hello to Brick Bardo, the alien cop from the movie Dollman. Brick is the size of a doll, hence the very clever title. Brick Bardo was stranded on Earth in his own film, which is pretty much the story of a tiny alien killing Hispanic gang members in the ghetto. He's armed with a magic laser pistol or something, which is really the only reason he's not been stepped on yet. Of course in this film (which takes place after the 1st movie, duh) he's a renegade cop that has only one hope: He's heard the rumor that there's a 12-inch tall woman that was shrunk by aliens. That he can have sex with. Seriously, he has an internal monologue about how getting laid will make him feel better about being stranded on earth. Of course, the 12-inch woman he's talking about is from yet another movie...
This is Nurse Ginger. She sleeps in a kitchen draw and pretty much does erotic yoga. You might also want to know why she's only 12 inches tall.
Nurse Ginger is from the film Bad Channels....where aliens come to earth to play their version of the dating game, turning women into sluts and then shrinking them for ease of space transit. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Ginger was never changed back to normal size at the film's end, so she's become a celebrity tiny person, if you can imagine such a thing. Seriously, there's a reporter stalking her for an interview. While this isn't that weird, the creepy part is when he kind of talks dirty to her and asks her to wear a teeny tiny bikini for him.
Brick Bardo shows up (because he's been looking for her and really needs to get laid) just in time to save Ginger from a crappy special effect spider. Now that he's proved his manliness, he find it easy to smooth talk his way into her...knife drawer, where Ginger enjoys a big slab of Bardo brick. Tiny people sex bothers me, but more importantly, I'm wondering if there's a name for the "lets pretend to me shrunk by aliens and then have sex in a drawer" fetish. I hate to say it, but I'm sure it's out there.
The two little people are recruited by Judith, the cop who the demon from Demonic Toys "wanted to do the nasty with" and she smuggles them in a suitcase into the evil toy warehouse filled with...demonic toys. The demonic toys have recruited a midget, but that's neither here nor there. Really, it takes the film forever to get here and the "midget killing hookers" subplot is easily missed if you blink.
By the way, the demonic toys are pretty much trying to get their evil demon master born. It didn't work with Judith last time, but the evil toys have a new plan of attack. It's really screwed up but I don't want to ruin the surprise just yet.
The toys are back (minus the bear) with only one new addition. I couldn't catch/find his name to save my life, but he's the GI Joe knock-off pictured above. The thing is there's an interesting film trick that originally was used in Dollman that they use here in Demonic Toys. You know, since this IS a crossover, why shouldn't film techniques follow as well? Demonic Toys had puppets, while Dollman had a guy running around a giant set that was designed to make him look small. Just placing a 12-foot long spoon next to Nurse Ginger makes her look tiny. At least, in theory. In this flick, you've got puppets but in a lot of scenes we actually have actors dressed up as the toys so they can fight Dollman in hand-to-hand combat. The action dude mentioned earlier is pretty much here only so that Dollman gets to wrestle with someone in a costume that doesn't look retarded. Not that wrestling with Max Headroom in army fatigues is particularly awesome, but you get the idea.
Dollman eventually kills everyone except for Baby Oopsy Daisy, who's captured Nurse Ginger for nefarious purposes. How nefarious?
Well, whatever it is, Ginger's not too happy about it. She's been handcuffed to a tiny bed and is getting groped by a giant baby. Could it get any worse?
This is what it looks like when evil powers surges through a demonic toy, allowing it to GROW GENITALIA so it can rape Ginger. And that's the screwed up plan. The Demon is going to be born unto a 12-inch tall woman impregnated against her will by a crude Cabbage Patch doll. I'm not joking. God. I wish I was. The downside to him being "equipped" becomes clear...
This is what an evil baby doll looks like when it gets kicked in the balls by a 12-inch tall woman. OH and then he gets shot.
And then Brick and his girlfriend catch a taxi.
Man, this film just makes me far too happy. It's got midgets, killer toys, an infernal plot involving a child's toy committing a felony, and a guy named Brick Bardo. I think I should celebrate. But how?
Give a special thanks to Nicole of StrangeFiction.net for providing comic Cliff Notes so that you don't have to waste an hour of your life watching Dollman vs. Demonic Toys. Enjoy (and click the comic to go visit her website, which is rather keen as well):
Man, go Guest Artist, Go! It's very hard for a comic to make me laugh. The more I keep reading that, the harder it gets to stop. There's only one thing that can distract me now. And his name is Corey.
Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys:
Now with Corey Feldman!
I don't know who had to have sex with who to get this film made, but whoever did that particular donkey show took one for the team. The 3rd Demonic Toys film is also a crossover and it features two actors that are (or were, depending) pretty much A-grade. Made in 2004, Puppet Masters vs. Demonic Toys is a bizarre flick featuring Vanessa Angel (the girl from Kingpin and Weird Science: The TV show) and, of course, Corey Feldman. Vanessa is this weird actress who's got the geek hotness thing going on. Besides a few classic roles, she's appeared as the super-model lead in many b-grade movies. I was a huge fan of the Weird Science show so I like to pretend she's A-grade. Of course, Corey Feldman's appeal I don't really have to explain. Of course, the stuff that made him famous is pretty old. Gooiness, The Lost Boys, Friday the 13th (Part 4), Gremlins...the list is actually a lot longer than that but for a short period of time in the 1980's you could sign up to Tiger Beat magazine and get page after page of young Corey talking about his turn one's and off's. Not that...err...I'd read such a thing. Anyway, if you're a member of the cult of Corey (which may or may not including being a fan of Robot Chicken), then you really MUST see this movie. Most of the time in B-movies like this, the real celebrity only gets a cameo or a tiny bit part. You know what this film is?
It's about an hour and a half of Corey Feldman playing a mad scientist who plays with dolls (his family is cursed/blessed with the secret of making puppets come to life). It's honestly funny and Corey Feldman's actually good in a not-quite-schlocky way...but that might be my geek gland being a little too excited that Corey Feldman's in this movie. Don't ask me about that. Seriously. I just like Corey Feldman. A lot of people do. There's nothing wrong with........I LIKE GIRLS.
I like girls who make deals with the DEVIL! I'm so heterosexual and my Corey obsession does not distract me from the fact that the lovely Vanessa Angel stars as an evil corporate executive that's working with dark forces from hell. Vanessa Angel's also had her "pout muscles" surgically enhanced, which really helps convey the naughty aspect of working with the Devil I guess. The plot of this film is that Vanessa runs a toy company that's actually distributing Demonic Toys that will come alive on Christmas morning. So Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys is actually a holiday movie. So the next time you want an "offbeat" Yuletide movie, try to find a copy. What you don't believe me?
Would Satan Claus lie to you?
I haven't mentioned it yet, but this is actually the 9th Puppet Master movie. For those not familiar with this almost 20-year-old film series, the Puppet Master films are all about tiny marionettes that come to life and, well, kill people. They used to be bad, but somewhere along the series they grew up, had kids, and decided to fight on the side of good. Sometimes they fight demons and sometimes they fight Nazis (not a joke) but my point is that the later films aren't so much about evil toys as much as it is about watching GOOD toys dismember BAD people. Each movie introduces a new gimmick, which often is available in the form of an action figure line fairly close to whenever the film is released. New Puppets are usually the gimmick, but instead we have the puppets accidentally setting themselves on fire (yes, the dolls are clumsy and bring doom unto their wooden flesh) and have to be rebuild. Enter, the Cyber Puppets. Say hello to Six-Shooter, Pinhead, Blade, and Jester. I know it's hard to figure out how they got their names, but if you try hard and take notes, you'll probably figure it out.
So instead of being magic puppets, now they're robotic magic puppets. Some of it's kind of neat, while others....
This is Jester. Jester is the red-headed stepchild of the Puppet Master series, as besides being able to change his expression (which is actually impressive for a puppet, I guess) he really can't do anything. I think he's here to be cute, as some of the older puppets just don't fit the "good guy" thing too well. I mean, can you imagine a puppet dressed up like a Nazi that breathed fire being a good guy? Anyway, Jester gets upgraded. What did they give him?
A mace for a hand? Now he's lame AND can't tie his own shoes. Way to go, Mad Scientist Corey.
On the more impressive side of things, if you like lasers, is Six-Shooter. Six-Shooter has 6 arms and 6 guns. I still can't figure out how he got his name though. Probably some subtle cultural in-joke I'm just not meant to get. Anyway, apparently Corey was working on top-secret laser technology for the government between doll experiments. As such, he grafts a bunch of lasers to his wounded puppet and gives him that classy "Terminator" eye patch to complete the look. This still doesn't make his "I touched your child inappropriately while at Band Camp" smile any less creepy.
The Demonic Toys themselves are back, slightly changed after having spent a decade with nothing to do.
Jack Attack (or whatever) is back, only now he's not as scary and has the magic ability to scream really loudly. By "loudly" I mean he makes peoples eyes pop and ears bleed. Considering how he doesn't have his retarded tale rattle any more, I'd say he traded up in the monster skills department.
Baby Oopsy Daisy is back (as is the bear, though admittedly less scary) with a new voice, a new attitude, and a new power that will make you wet yourself in terror or laughter. You can choose which. He's also rather quotable in this one as well. Here he is beating up Corey Feldman:
"How'd you like me now, bitch!?!"
He also has another ability, that you sort of have to see to believe. Since it's all a trick of editing, I've done my best to recreate the scene shot by shot. Make sure you're not drinking anything and take a look:
Yeah. Flying Farting Baby Attack. Let's pretend it didn't happen.
If you were waiting to hear about an epic battle between Toy and Puppets, I'm sorry to tell you it doesn't really happen. Well, not much. Here's a scene near the film's end with Blade (the guy with the....blades) and the Teddy Bear (who's a....teddy bear). Once again, I've added my own dialogue to complete the scene.
Blade: "Hello Friend. By the way, has anyone told you to remember, remember the 5th of November?"
Bear: "Look, can we talk about this? I'm...all soft and plushy. It'd be hella hard to for me to hurt you...to hurt anyone really. I mean, a kid could trip and his toe could get jammed into my mouth of something, but do I really look like a toe biter to you?"
:sound of blades spinning around very quickly:
We learn that, like ideas, Blade is bearproof. And there's your film. We get to watch as Vanessa Angel gets sucked down to hell. I haven't mentioned everything mostly because at this point in time it'd probably go in one ear and out the other. There's virgin sacrifices and a torture machine that looks like something from Barbarella. All in all, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys isn't bad for a made-for-TV movie. Being meant for television isn't as terrible as it used to be but it still means no one would actually pay to go see said film. Luckily, this one's got a total overdose of Corey. Hell, more films need this much Corey Feldman inside them. I'm tempted to make a "Corey Feldman inside you" joke, but I think it'd be better if I hold off on that right now.
All in all, I know why I like the Demonic Toys series. Each part of the trilogy is completely different in the reasons why it sucks (in a good way) The first is all types of bizarre and really weird if you look at the plot too closely. The second film is just this horrific crime against sequels everywhere, while the 3rd is a low-budget made-for-television monster starring Corey Feldman. No matter what kind of bad horror movies you might be into, I think you'll find something labeled Demonic Toys that you'll dig. Obviously I did.
Sorry for having to cut this article short. I could go on and on, but someone just told me that "We're going to do the Nasty." Fortunately for me, it WASN'T an 9-year-old boy. Gah. Implied pedophilia, farting baby attacks, baby doll rape and crotch kicking....The Demonic Toys Trilogy has it all. Let us never speak of this again.
copyright 2006 jared von hindman, Head injury theatre. Don't sue me and please answer the phone, Mr. Feldman. I just want to talk. All images used here via Fair Use review purposes and are not the property of, well, me.
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