Mr. Horrorshow's Guide to Finding the Perfect Pet.

:disclaimer: Mr. Horrorshow is a fictional persona that means you no good.  As such, don't do anything that he says.  :end disclaimer:

Hi, kids.  It's me, Mr. Horrorshow here to help you with all of your shopping needs.  While I know a few readers are still recovering from last week's extensive look at how NOT to carve a pumpkin (Go to Crazy Nubbie's for all your chainsaw needs), I couldn't bring myself to give you younglings some time off.  This week we're going to look at an often overlooked accessory to your lurking needs.  You've spent weeks preparing your lair.  Cobwebs and mysterious fumes set to your exact specifications.  The coffins and torture implements are arranged just as any Feng Shui master would.  The villagers are already lining up outside with their torches and pitchforks....yet something just isn't right.  Your bust of Bela Lugosi just doesn't seem to bring you the joy that it used to.  What are you looking for?

The answer:  Companionship.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  It's time for you to kidnap some young virgin or just build one out of parts you've got lying around.  Sure, the Frankenhooker solution looks nice, but take a deep breath and look at the resources you have available to you.  Do you really want to put up with a young hero, valiantly kicking in your door and tracking mud all over your Persian rug?  And yeah, the zombie lover has some advantages, but do you really want to ALWAYS have to wear that "intimacy helmet" to prevent them from eating your brain when it's time for some loving?  Romantic companionship might sound...well, romantic.  Because it is.  But romance, if Bram Stoker has taught us anything, is the grand undoing to any of us creatures of the night.  I'm not saying you shouldn't be out there looking for the right girl or ghoul, but I think there's a safer and more dynamic alternative out there that many children of darkness overlook these days.

Yes, you really should think about getting a pet.  The options for the modern nightcrawler are more numerous that ever before.  No matter your budget, mad scientist and sewer dweller alike will easily be able to find a pet matching their personality and dementia.  Below you'll find the most common infernal pet varieties, along with helpful tips on how to keep them from staining the velvet curtains in front of company.   

1.  The Vampire Bat:  Easy to feed and a great conversation piece.

How can you go wrong with the Cadillac of horrific pets?  Nothing says "I am on a first name basis with the night" like having a vampiric bat.

Now, when you visit the local bestiary, it is very important that you get an authentic VAMPIRE bat.  Too many a fiend has looked the fool when his obscenely large winged minion swooped from the shadows to devour an apricot in front of friends.  The hint here is that biggest is not always best.  The largest of Chiroptera family are all fruit-munchers, including that wicked cool one from The Neverending Story.  So, no matter what the sales Igor says, always perform the arm test.  If you hold out your arm and the flying critter goes to bite you, that means he's definitely of the sanguine variety.  It also means he likes you...which brings me to my next point. 

The biggest benefit of having a vampire bat (besides being able to tell your friends that you have a vampire bat) is that they're incredibly easy to feed.  In fact, they often will feed themselves without your having to worry about it.  Of course the squeamish out there might at first be put off at having a parasite pet, but you've really got to understand that once something's drunk your blood a few times, it'll consider you family.  Hell, it's a lot like how a baby animal will bond with anyone that nurses it to health.  (Note:  Mr. Horrorshow does not condone the "Motherhood" method of feeding, as it's both disturbing and damaging to the nipples.)

Finally, you should take time to determine that your new pet is indeed a vampire bat, and not just a vampire screwing with you.  This can easily be determined by any vet with a method commonly used on birds known as "sexing."  Few vampires swing this way, so it's a pretty secure way to find out. (If you do end up having a vampire that swings this way, leave the room as quickly as possible and start shoving garlic into any available orifice.  I won't go into detail, but with much reflection, I've realized that what happened to me back at K17 could have been avoided if I'd thought of this sooner.) 

If a vet won't talk to you (most likely due to some unholy spawn that ate her assistants last June), more conventional methods are available.  Unfortunately, most of these routes to determining a vampire bat from a vampire are, shall we say, inherently flawed.  Toban's Guide to Spooky Stuff states that you can identify a vampire by how they crumble to dust when you separate their head from their body.  Of course, most of Toban's advice involves the "Oh, live and learn" factor.  (For those not in the know, Toban's the guy who says Witches sink and Republicans won't burn no matter how much lighter fluid you douse them in.  Yeah, he's got problems.)  My home solution to this conundrum is fairly simple.  Put a copy of "Dracula 2000" in your DVD player (or psychtronic videophone if you're of the retro persuasion).  If your bat freaks the hell out and breaks your TV in half....you've got a vampire.  The children of Cain have that whole ego thing, and nothing pisses them off quite like a bad vampire movie.  Not that I'm judgmental.  Some of my best friends are vampires.  But hell, there's a reason stereotypes exist.  Back on topic...

Maybe a bat is just a bit too cliché for you....or just not involved enough for your companion needs.  On the opposite end of the spectrum you'll find the ghosts with the most:

2.  The Poltergeist:  Nothing quite makes a party like the restless dead.

Now, if you're a creature with too much time on your hands and have a taste for danger (and who doesn't), then getting yourself a full-fledged class 3 haunting may be the way to go.  Getting the ghost in the first place is often the most difficult part.  Before digging through the city records to see what horrible things happened in your flat (those things that happened before you moved in, of course), definitely take time to stroll through your dungeon/lair/bungalow to make sure you don't have one lying around.  You'd be surprised at how many folks out there go to the trouble to import an Indian Burial Mound in their front yard only to find out there's a small Japanese girl haunting their guest bathroom. 

Also don't overlook the possibility of just pissing off the dead until they come to stay with you.  It took me months of talking bad about Peter's grandmother (and her sweet, sweet ass) until she started haunting me properly.  With a little effort (and trashtalk), you can get just about anyone as a poltergeist.  Just remember to keep at it. 

Once you've got the afterlife manifesting within your domicile, it's a good idea to manage it.  You have to be strict with spirits or they'll never learn to behave.  Sure, it's funny when they strangle a guest with a sock monkey, but such behavior unchecked leads to uncontrollable poltergeists that will eventually just  start spraying ectoplasm everywhere the next time they're in heat.  The best disciplinary tool is a classic one.  Take the holiest book you have (Bible or Koran, whatever), roll it up, and give that spook a swift rap on the nose.  Eventually, they'll associate this with misbehaving and before you know it, your poltergeist will be rearranging furniture and making the walls bleed on command.

3.  The Mythologicals:  Make the neighbors jealous with a Hobbit on a leash.

The elitist pet owner will invariable be lured by the exotic promise a mythic pet offers.  In a world of shadows and eternal twilight, simply having a leprechaun or troll in your apartment is worth its weight in gold, if you'll forgive the expression.  While I don't have much experience in this department, I can imagine such pets require a lot of attention and have rather specific dietary requirements.  I'm willing to bet that few of you knew that unicorns live off a diet of baby dung...a fact that most unicorn owners are more than familiar with.

I wish I could give you more advice on these guys, but I don't condone fairies.

4.  The Undead:  For the pet owner with a busy schedule and too much in his brain.

I really can't recommend undead pets enough.  You don't have to feed them, they keep the villagers at bay, and they'll never whiz on the carpet.  The downside to these perks, as you might already know, is, of course, the smell.  Having had quite a few of these in my lifetime, I can honestly say that if you can tolerate the funk of ferrets, then having a rotting corpse as a house pet isn't a big deal at all.  Undead creatures come in all shapes and sizes.  While you might be tempted to simply get a zombie dog or cat, you'll be surprised at the possibilities once you stop thinking inside the box.  Can't think of the right pet?  Build your own, Frankenstein-style.  This method (often called the Tim Burton maneuver) simply means grabbing some spare pet parts (like all those headless vampire bats that you proved weren't vampires) and volting them into a lifetime companion.  Don't be limited by mother nature, either.  Dr. Fashing, my dentist, fashioned himself a chinchilla that's nothing but legs.  Sure, it's a little weird to have a pet with no eyes....but it's soft, fuzzy, and funny as hell to see try to run around. 

For the most brazen of pet owners, one should never underestimate the entertainment value of having a full-sized real life zombie, Frankenstein, or even mummy.  According to Congress, the undead don't qualify as human, as such, the morbid industries have responded quickly in making them available to anyone who wants one....making them cheap, affordable, and most importantly:  Legal.  Before 2002, you couldn't walk down the street with your recently spayed mummified Atep Ho Tep without getting in trouble.  Since then the popularity and social understanding involving having a dead human as a pet has become widespread.  Even better, they're easy to train and too slow to run far if you forget to close the back gate.

5.  Were-creatures:  The companion with the Lunar Surprise!

Before I explain the joy and annoyance behind these guys, let's clear something right now.  The whole idea of a human being turning into a wolf...that's just silly and a little retarded.  I don't know how these rumors get started.  Werewolves are just wolves that get to be humans once every full moon, albeit humans a bit hairier than Robin Williams.  Were-pets are very similar to these:  Normal, boring pets that once a month can actually hold up their end of the conversation...and maybe eat some villagers while they're at it.  Nothing gives you an excuse to cause some mayhem and spend a night on the town because your pet bunny is going to go all shapeshifty on you.  I've got a few friends with were-pets.  Asmodeus and his were-gerbil spend most full moons living it up in a bottle while Sabrina and her were-cockatiel spend a romantic evening by candlelight.  I try not to judge, really I do.

Were-pets are perfect for the most domestic of folk....those that still need the occasional wild night to keep life interesting.

Honorable Mention:  Goldfish of the Black Lagoon.

While I've always been a fan of fishmen, menfish sort of strike me as a redundant pet.  As if goldfish aren't suicidal enough with their "jump out of the tank" antics, imagine having a tiny goldfish with arms, legs, and a libido.  If you must have one, make sure you put one of those topless mermaids in the tank.  That'll keep the poor lungless fish distracted and his thoughts off of exploring the distinctly "water-free" and dangerous world around him.

Well, that's it for this installment.  Check back soon for our special on Cannibalism.  Meet your friends or eat your friends?  Find out next week.

I want more Halloween, Mr. Horrorshow!