Welcome to the Final Exam.  *WARNING* Scary images not meant for children (or normal human beings)!

Faust: Love of the Damned (2001)

Just above this text you are looking at a picture of "Mr. Smooth", one of the many characters that teach us about Love in this film by Brian Yuzna.  In case that name doesn't mean anything to you, he's one of the guys behind the Re-animator series, the Guyver, and oddly enough Honey I Shrunk the Kids.  What's strange about this film? 

I'm not going to give a play by play plot synopsis, because that's not why we're here.  The story of Faust is a tale of a man who sells his soul to the devil (or just an evil, evil man) to have revenge on the goons that killed his wife.  He comes back as a demon with razor claws just like a certain other comic book hero with razor claws coming out of his wrists (Hugh Jackman).  Of course he goes renegade and ends up fighting the forces of evil.  In the end he defeats the forces of evil, who are, by the way, armed with a "DEMONIC TRACTOR BEAM."  There's bowling with human heads, bondage, a BREAST MONSTER, and a giant demon puppet amongst other things, so let me just  show you what we've learned and why.

 Let's go ahead and solve the mystery of Mr. Smooth.  Our heroine, the helpful psychologist (the blonde in bondage pictured above), was apparently sexually abused as a child.  All she remembers about her assailant was his perfectly smooth skin.  We get to see a few flashbacks of "Mr. Smooth" in action several times throughout the film and one thing keeps freaking me out.  How she almost smiles when she talks about Mr. Smooth's skin.  I mean its really eerie.  Besides this implied perversion, our heroine is rather innocent and pure.  This of course means that the forces of evil need to take off all her cloths and whip her, thus inciting more flashbacks of Mr. Smooth and "somehow" furthering the forces of evil.  Just to reinforce the oddness going on here, Mr. Smooth makes just about the same number of appearances in the film as any other character, which is kind of strange for a flashback/hallucination. 

On a side note, you may notice the bondage scene going on in the first picture.  Now I'm not the most frequent participant in such activities but there is something that I do know.  Unless you are wounded, drugged, or unconscious there are some S&M situations you have to more or less consent to.  A classic example of this is how our heroine completely locks herself up to make the Devil's Dominatrix's job so much easier.  Considering some of the other morals this film seems to want to encourage this one is not really that bad.  So let's pretend the worst this film gets is telling the world that everyone really wants to be victim.  I only wish that was true.  (It is coming.  It coming for you...it will swallow you whole.  I tell you, you are NOT prepared.)

  Lesson 5:  "I am the Pornography that gets you Hot!"-Faust.  Remember this line.  It is magical.

Keep in mind he's a horned and clawed demon covered in blood screaming this to a fleeing sexually abused woman and you'll understand the mystical formula behind these particular words.

How many films try to sell you on having sex with dying men?  Apparently its the best sex the Devil's girlfriend/nurse/slut/whatever has ever had.  I'm not one to judge but I feel this needs to be pointed out, and then run away from very, very quickly.  Unfortunately, I was very frightened of what I ran into next.

So the question is:  Are you ready? You are so full of it.  You are not prepared for what you are about to see.  In fact, once the blackout is over you may not even know what you have seen.  I am not responsible. Turn back.  If you still plan to continue, I must confess:  You are braver than me.  I was ignorant of the doom that would soon descend upon me.  Enter if you dare.

I don't think words are going to cut it with this one either, so I'll tell you and then you'll have to see for yourself.  Since this website is generally going for the rating 15 (I love European rating systems) I've censored out what could even REMOTELY be considered naughty...though I would imagine anyone getting aroused from the following images to be within a very small but lucky demographic (the fact that what you're about to see was actually made is so improbable its mind boggling that it still was).  Oh god.  What am I talking about?  The Devil's girlfriend has been a little wanton, having sex with our hero behind the Devil's back.  The Devil has his revenge by turning her into a GIANT BREAST MONSTER.  Are you ready?  I know I wasn't.

THERE IS NO GOD.

Oh yeah---This film completely puts me the mood.  I'd rather have a lap dance from Danny Devito than watch this.  The only reason I put these pictures up on the site is to share the pain, and hopefully NO NORMAL human being would consider this pornography.  I'm just sharing this horrible, horrible special effect with you.  I can't even come up with a decent lesson for this one.  Don't turn into a Breast Monster?  :sigh: 

I don't know what to say.  If you've survived the article up until this point you've got the feather in you cap as being one of the few human beings to see a giant breast monster.  Faust was the bad yet wonderful nightmare we all had around 5 in the morning on February 14th.  It was not followed by a restful sleep.

So those are my lessons learned from Horror movies this past Valentine's day. As you probably guessed, I did not get much lovin' myself this holiday, as I've learned:

Lesson 7:  Do not show Faust to anyone you plan on having sex with anytime soon.

This kind of stuff keeps happening.  I somehow completely inappropriately plan these movie marathons.  Can you believe I rented "Throw Momma From the Train", "Flesh-Eating Mothers" and "Mom" to watch with my mother for Mother's Day?  Now my loved one AND my Mother aren't talking to me.  I'm beginning to notice a trend.

-Jared

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