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Jesus Christ:  Vampire Hunter.

Finally.

One of Marvel comic's first marketing strategies was to label all their comics as being published "because you demanded it."  The idea was to create a fictional audience to pressure you into aligning with it...or something like that.  The point is, I seriously doubt that people wrote to Stan Lee and said "I want to see Spiderman fighting an evil juggling clown!"...which is exactly what you get in one comic bearing the label "because you demanded it."  Why am I bringing this up?  Because you guys actually did demand that I review this film.  Demand might be to strong a word, but I've been getting emails all the time telling me I should review this movie.  Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter is my crowd pleaser.  You want it, you got it.  But you gotta promise to leave me alone after this.  Let's get this over with.

I will admit that this wasn't at the top of my "Easter" films to review list.  My copy of Bill Zebub's "Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist" didn't come in in time, and Ultrachrist (featuring a super-hero Jesus fighting Dracula) was out of stock.  And so, I had very little choice but to indulge the site regulars with a little Kung Fu-Christ action.  Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter isn't the kind of film that's overtly easy for me to review.  That's mostly due to the fact that it was meant to be a comedy.   Sure, things like "Dollman versus Demonic Toys" have comic aspects, but they still are fundamentally horror movies that just embarrass all humans involved in their creation.  But this movie?  This movie is low quality, poorly made, and only exists in the hope that it can be so absurd that you can't help liking it.  You could also say it's got a bit of "Title-Fu" going for it, as it's pretty hard to resist renting a film with a title like this.  That said:  I really like this film.  Sure it's crap, but it's crap with Jesus fighting vampires alongside Santos, the legendary vampire-fighting Mexican wrestler.  If you don't know the name of Santos, it's ok.  You're not Mexican and you didn't grow up watching movies from the 1960's...so I can forgive you.  It's a tribute to an often forgotten vampire genre:  The "Santo the Masked Mexican Wrestler Fights a Bunch of Mexican Monsters" genre.   Mexican cinema is awesome, if only because it produced an entire slew of "masked wrestlers fighting martians/evil brains/zombies/vampires" movies.  But I digress.  Jesus Christ is a lot of things, and while it's meant to be funny....I'm going to walk you through it.  Let's begin. 

Say hello to the Narrator.  Yes, he looks a lot like Rasputin and yes, he really is scary.  Pretty much, he exists as this batshit insano preacher who dares you to watch this movie.  I only point him out because he shows up regularly in the film, usually when you're relaxed and not expecting it, sort of like a meaty burp that tastes unlike anything you've ever eaten. 

So here's the film's opening that sets the stage.  Well, it explains a lot about the depth this film will go to be edgy and weird.  I think.

Maxine Shrek kills a distinctly butch-looking nurse in a parking lot.  Later, the vampire steps out of the car, into the daylight (time passes between shots apparently) and dials her cell phone.  The next words she mutters are literally what hooked me on this film.

"Where have all the Lesbians gone?"

So the premise of this film is that vampires are now able to walk in the sunlight if they get skin grafts from Lesbians.  So vampires are skinning lesbians so they can walk outside.  As dumb as that sounds, it's at least a little more logical than the "hey, I'll wear sunblock" solution we saw in the movie Blade.  A couple of priests are concerned about the Lesbian crisis going on in their city.  By coincidence, these priests seem to know where Jesus Christ happens to be hanging around.  Seriously.  They hop on a scooter and head to the beach.  Because that's where Jesus likes to chill out before his Second Coming.  Of course, evil vampires also happen to know where Jesus is and they show up just in time to kick the Christ-child in the balls (Jesus has Nards!) and kill the priests.  This introduces us to the main "OH Dear LORD" gimmick of Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.

 

Yes, like Keanu Reeves (the other Chosen One), Jesus Christ knows kung fu.  Combined with the fact that this film is completely dubbed and is dubbed poorly and shot on low quality film...you really do feel like you're watching one of those old kung-fu movies.  Only this one stars Jesus.  Karate-chopping hot Goth girls.  That, unto itself, makes this film golden.  Of course it's really a subtle nod to Peter Jackson's film "Dead Alive" where we get to see a kung-fu priest "kick ass for the Lord!"  But hey, that story is for another review.

I don't know about you, but there's just something wrong about watching Jesus Christ throwing ladies over his shoulder so he can murder them.  Even if they are vampires.

Of course, after the first fight scene, something serious happens to change the film.   Jesus gets a make-over.  There's an extended shopping scene but before that we get to see him getting a shave, a haircut, and giant hoop earrings.

Say hello to the new Jesus.  I suppose it's a good move, as the "traditional, bearded Jesus in a dirty robe" would pretty much come across as a crazy hobo, even if he was the son of God.

By the way, did you know that there's a big musical number in the middle of Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter?  Now you do.  It's pretty much Jesus running around performing miracles and making old ladies dance in the street.  Like I said, this is a comedy.  It's trying to be funny.

...which might explain this image of Jesus looking at his penis as a woman touches it.  Seriously, his partner, Mary Magnum, pretty much tells Christ that he's got a "really big penis."  If you squint, you could imagine that this is followed by a sex scene, but it's implied if anything.  I don't think of Jesus as someone to casually bang women (in the biblical sense), but when he's getting massages from them in a sauna...I just don't know anymore.

There's also a scene where Jesus is confronted by Atheists who don't believe in him.  His reaction:

"So, when did you start going to church?"

"Funny story.  I think it was just after Jesus caved in my skull with a jump kick."

"oh."

Jesus ends up fighting a lot of Atheists.  A Lot.  It's like a video game (indeed the music for the scene sounds like something straight out of Street Fighter 2), and the enemies just keep coming.  The Atheists are pretty much played by all the director's friends as well as a few people who actually seem to have taken some karate classes when they were twelve.  The whole thing was filmed in a public park, which brings us to why I even have to mention the scene where he converts Atheists to Christianity with his fists.

Now the obvious hilarity here is that Jesus is about to punch this woman square in the face.  The more subtle humor is the fact that there's a small special education child riding a bicycle in the background.  You see, since this was shot in a public park, random families were holding picnic parties on the very same day.  So while the Messiah breaks non-believers in half over his knee, some kids are running around in the background playing with a frisbee.  It sort of shows you the kind of budget they had when making this film.  This is true independent film-making here, in case you were wondering.

Oh, I also have to point out that the "Queen Atheist" grabs her breasts before fighting Jesus, as if to charge up their power.  Or something.  I don't know, but it makes me laugh out loud every time I see it.

By the by, this is a shot of two vampires (Maxine Shrek and Johnny Golgotha, great name right?) after they've slaughtered every Lesbian in the Lesbian Center.  See?  I told you they were killing Lesbians.  Even better than that, I'll show you this from the end credits:

This is potentially the best credit ever to be seen in any film.  Ever.

It's also a killer band name if it doesn't already exist.

There's also a scene in the film where Jesus goes on stage at a night club and "scats."  I don't know about you, but the fact that there's a style of singing that is an abbreviation for "scatological" really bothers me.  I'm sure there's a rich history to the style, but to me the only explanation is too gross to even discuss.  I only share this because, yes, you can watch Jesus scat in this movie.  However you choose to read that last sentence is up to you.

The first time Jesus meets a male vampire (Johnny Golgotha again) he gets his butt kicked.  Mary Magnum is killed by Maxine (don't worry she comes back as a Lesbian Vampire on a motorbike).  Christ lies bleeding in the street begging people to help him.  Of course the one who does:

Is a scary transvestite.  Not to belittle transvestites across the globe (I can't, as someone who's made a few films about Gender Identity), but man. Jesus has hit rock-bottom.  His friends are dead and the only person who will help him looks like my Dad in a dress.  This is about the time that God decides to help out his son.  He even speaks to him.  How, you ask?

Say hello to God, as he communicates through a bowl of Cherry Jubilee.  This is the funniest thing in the movie, as we literally get to see an ice cream puppet tell Jesus that it hasn't forsaken him.

  

God sends the Mexican wrestler Santos (Not to be confused with Santo, the "real" Mexican wrestler that fought vampires) and his big-assed manager, Gloria Oddbottom.  Seriously, his manager is a woman with far too much junk in her trunk.  There's a running gag of people groping it.  Otherwise, the character needn't be mentioned again.  Santos and Jesus pretty much run around smashing in people's skulls until the final fight scene, where they again, smash in people's skulls.  While Jesus fights Johnny Golgotha (and Mary Magnum the Lesbian Vampire on a motorbike), Santos has to fight something more familiar:

Oh great.  Vampire Wrestling CLOWNS.  Again, why do all these movies have to feature clowns?  After my last clown-related tequila incident, I'm starting to think this is the powers that be trying to tell me something.  And by "powers that be," I mean GOD (or the Gods or Cthulhu or whatever) and not the goofy writers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  If you've ever watched the show, you know exactly what retardation I'm talking about.

Now, let me introduce you to the very best character in the entire movie:

 Dr. Pretorious.

 

He's the crazy doctor that's skinning lesbians and grafting their skin onto vampires.  He's crazy, cackles a lot, and licks corpses when he thinks no one is looking.  He also uses dead body parts for comedy gold.  Let me elucidate:

You might not be able to tell what you're looking at, but the joke is that Dr. P uses corpses to keep his beer cold.  Corpse Coolers, if you will.

Instead of brass knuckles, Dr. Pretorious uses someone's kidneys.  And yes, it is very messy.

Why is it that low-budget films always come up with the best weapons?  Not unlike the young-chucks in Bill Zebub's "Worst Horror Movie Ever Made", here we get to see someone's intestines being used in a similar way.  Which is awesome.  If you ever wanted to see a mad scientist vampire entrap Jesus with someone else's viscera, this is the film for you.  Damn, I want to be Dr. Pretorious when I grow up.  Only maybe with more fashion sense.  Maybe.

Alright.  Easter is over.  Let's wrap this baby up.

One of the priests ends up being a vampire and stakes Jesus in the chest, killing him.  Only, well, not.  Instead of dying (like a mortal man should), the sky turns black and Jesus reveals his secret:

If you stab him, a vampire-killing flashlight will appear exactly where the wound was.  Jesus blasts the remaining vampires with his chest light bulb, thereby saving the day.  Apparently, you have to hurt the messiah for him to unlock his true power.  You know, like what happened in the bible.  :shrug:

 

And thus begins the big Lesbian finale.  Santos the wrestler fell in love with a vampire Lesbian earlier in the movie and now Jesus cures her so the two can run off together.  Luckily, we find out she was bisexual so the day is saved and Santos flies away with his sexually adventurous bride.  Mary Magnum is cured and demands that Jesus bring Maxine Shrek back to life (only not as a vampire) because she's discovered true love.  Jesus is surprisingly queasy about this, but I think it's less a "ewwww Lesbian" thing and more a "holy crap she's in love with the vampire who killed all my friends" kind of thing.  But Jesus can forgive.

You know what else Jesus can do?

He can grab Gloria Oddbottom's giant ass.  And that's the end.  Kung Fu Jesus crushes the Lesbian-killing vampires with a flashlight in his chest and ends the film by groping the crap out of a wrestling manager's ass. 

Truth be told, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter is pretty entertaining all the way through.  You have to trust it though.  The dubbing and the low quality have scared away a lot of my friends and, well, I've got a couple Christian friends who might take offense.  But again, the film isn't trying to be offensive, like a lot of other low-grade movies out there.  There is a story here.  It's just a story about how the son of God made Canada safe for Lesbians.  From Vampires.  With the help of a Mexican Wrestler. 

:blink blink:

Um. Yeah.  I can't say anything else.  But before you go, I want you to ask yourself:

"Where HAVE all the Lesbians gone?"

-jared

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Copyright 2007 Jared von Hindman or maybe just Jared Hindman.  It depends.  Any images used that are not Jared's are used via Fair Use review purposes and belong to their respective owners....who are nice people that don't want to sue me.

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