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 Troll 2:  I think I'm in Love

If you love bad movies, here you go.  When I first heard about this film, all I knew was that it featured the forces of evil being defeated by a bologna sandwich.  That was enough to get my attention.  What I found...it boggles the mind.  This is one of the best damn bad movies I've ever seen.  And after a little internet research, I'm shocked to find out that I'm not alone.  When it comes to goofy website holding polls where you vote on the worst movie ever made, this one invariably makes the list.  With a bit of confidence I can also say that anyone who doesn't vote for this as one of the worst movies ever made hasn't actually seen it.  Once you live through Troll 2, you're changed.  A little part of you dies the ensuing infection slowly transforms you into a vegan-hating, sandwich tossing miscreant. 

Made in 1990, Troll 2 has nothing to do with Troll (1).  There aren't any Trolls in it.  The original title was Goblins, because that's what the monsters are.  I know Goblins and Trolls are pretty similar, but the film's title was chosen by the distribution company most likely cashing in on a much better horror film.  The original Troll will be reviewed on the site one day I'm sure, but for now...let's stay focused.  The goblins in the film are either kids or midgets in rubber masks.  It's kind of charming in a holy crap that's hilarious kind of way.  Funnily enough, the film's gimmick is that the goblins are vegetarian.  While normally you'd think this would be in our protagonists' favour, Troll 2 is special.  The goblins get humans to eat these special herbs (which make whatever the food item is green) that turns people into vegetables so that the goblins can eat them.  Take a moment and re-read that.  Goblins can't eat meat so they turn people into produce so they can devour them.  The main "suspense" provider here is "Will the Goblins get the characters to eat their magic cookies that will turn them into giant artichokes?"  God I love this movie.  If you have any vegan friends, you need to show them this.  It's got to be the most anti-vegetarian movie I've ever seen.  Hell, I'm convinced that anyone who doesn't eat meat must be a goblin.  Well, convinced isn't the right word.  But that doesn't stop me from calling them goblins all the same.

The film follows the misadventures of the Waits family.  They apparently have the world's worst travel agent, who has them staying in a small town known as Nilbog (goblin backwards ha ha ha) which is populated by absolutely nothing but goblins.  Who turn people into vegetables and then eat them.  The young boy of the family, Joshua is our main hero.  Mostly because he's the one that gets to survive and also figures out what's going on decades before the rest of the cast.  When the waits family arrive at the house they're staying at (I've never heard of people house-swapping for a vacation, but whatever) they find a feast waiting for them.  A feast of green things that'll turn them into edible carrots or something.

And that's when the ghost of Grandpa appears.  Grandpa's ghost is Joshua's guardian angel, for better and for worse.  That'll make more sense soon.  What you need to know now is that he warns Joshua about the goblin plot and tells him he can't let his family eat the food. 

So Grandpa stops time so that Joshua can stand on his chair and urinate on the table and (assumedly) onto the food everyone is about to eat.  Instead of just throwing it on the floor his first instinct is to relieve himself onto the dining room table.  Thank you, Troll 2. 

Grandpa is possibly the best guardian spirit while also being the most irresponsible.  Besides stopping time, he gives a lot more...practical help than most spirit mentors would.  There's none of this Obiwan Kenobi crap with phantom voices; Grandpa just materializes and hands Joshua a molotov cocktail to fight the goblins.  Or materializes to chop off a goblin's hand with an ax.  It's very direct and while he helps Joshua stay alive, it's kind of unnerving.  Then again, when I die I'm totally going to haunt children and give them explosives whenever they might potentially need them.  People I'll be Jared, the helpful ghost.

There's a goblin queen in the movie, who pretty much is here so that we've got a villain who doesn't have to wear a rubber mask all the time.  That's not true actually...the goblins can make themselves look like human but, well, they all look pretty generic.  Except for Creedence Lenore Gielgud pictured above.  Think of the hippiest hippy you know and now throw in a little elder goth.  That's the character.  Creedence talks all sorts of crap but I think that comes with the territory when the only people around are rubber masked goblins.  Despite the teeth, the hair, and the make-up, she comes across with this "she's going to get really hot at some point" vibe.  You know, like when the nerdy girl loses her glasses and gets stuck in the rain and her dress gets ripped and all of a sudden we realize we're looking at a supermodel/pornstar.  That's an exaggeration in Creedence's case, but you have to trust your instincts.  Because within a few moments she'll be getting you hot and bothered with corn on the cob.  Seriously. 

"Hmmm.  We were just chased here by goblins and now this spooky old lady (who is sort of hot) is muttering about the pure aspects of the Vegetable kingdom.  Oh well, we might as well drink this smoking beverage that she's given us."

"Oh no.  My girlfriend is turning into a vegetable!  I can't move my legs.  There must be a logical explanation for this.  I'm not sure why I don't just look down to see why I can't move my legs but gosh darn it someone has some explaining to do."

"Oh no, she's transforming!"

"They're eating her.  And when they're done, they'll eat me!"

Just to explain that a bit, there are two "horrific" moments that are narrated by one of the characters present.  The boy in the previous picture does just stand there wondering why he can't move his legs and muttering about how horrible it will be to be eaten by goblins after he's turned into a vegetable.  I told you this film is fantastic.  I don't usually rag on the acting but this is a new level of amazing suckitude.

Later on we find out that our little shitty narrator has been turned into a tree, so he can't walk any more.  A half-hearted rescue attempt fails, which inspires Creedence to some good old-fashioned genital mutilation.


With a chainsaw.

Even creepier, as she's obviously sawing into his crotch our little tree-man victim starts laughing and smiling and giggling like a fiend.  Apparently, if you're part wood, getting your bark-encrusted junked torn up by a chainsaw is an incredibly pleasant experience. 

Awesome Scene #2:

Hmmm.  I wonder what's on television? 

Apparently it's the "Erotic Corn Hour" here in Nilbog.

"She's here now?  This is the best show ever.  With stockings no less."

(By the by, that is Creedence.  She cleans up nicely, just like we thought she would.)

I told you there was a corn on the cob seduction scene.  As the boy makes out with "totally hawt" Creedence, the corn starts...popping.  That's not a euphemism either.  I was being literal.

The implication here is that she's turning him into popcorn so she can eat him (according to an interview) but since it only looks like he gets his rocks off while being covered in popcorn, I can only say:  Wow.  His dying words?  "No more popcorn."

And here we have the finale of legend.  Grandpa the ghost appears and gives Joshua a backpack with a mysterious item in it that will help him..but he can only use it when he really needs it.  For someone who's up for giving kids incendiary devices, he's being pretty tight-lipped.

Sure enough, Joshua gets captured and it's time for him to play his trump card.

...which is a double-decker bologna sandwich. 

Like most hardcore vegetarians I know, the goblin cast recoils in terror.  "Think of the toxins!  Don't do it!"  The wicked vegetarians are frozen with fear as they can't even stand the sight of someone eating meat.  Reminds me of when I went to Outback and one of the people with us was offended that I ordered a steak.  Their reaction was pretty similar, though if I'd thought of it I would have groped the magic stone and made them explode, just like Joshua does to the goblins while they're shivering and afraid.

With the Goblins apparently dead, the family returns home. 

Everything seems alright.  Mom's eating an apple (this is the first food we've seen eaten on screen that wasn't going to turn someone into a pile of produce) and Joshua's earned a hearty nap.  But when he awakens...

He's got the narration bug now too.  Apparently the apple was filled with magic goblin juice and when he comes downstairs he sees goblins on the table eating...well, I'll let him say it himself.

"They're eating...my mom."

Yep, the film ends with Joshua's mom being devoured on the kitchen table.  One goblin offers Joshua some, but that's not the disturbing part.  The disturbing part is the breast show we get to see in the final 60 seconds of the movie.

Apparently when Mom turned into a vegetable she turned into the big breasted variety, complete with nipples.  I don't know why the goblins eating a pile of vegetables with breasts troubles me so but to be fair most food with breasts I'd have trouble eating.  Or at least I'd eat the breasts first.  What?  At least I'm honest.

Troll 2 is one of these films that's earned its cult status.  There are Rocky Horror-Style showing all over the place and young Joshua (Michael Stephenson) has grown up and is currently making "The Best Worst Movie", a documentary on the making of Troll 2.  Considering how the film crew was made up mostly of Italians who didn't speak English, it should be an interesting film.  I'm not one to hype actors doing the convention circuit, but GOD damn it click HERE to see the documentary's teaser trailer.  Between the embarrassment of the original movie to the shame of the psychotic fans and the actor's enthusiasm, it's got my attention.  It also creates a nice line in the sand for how far I'll go for my support of an overtly terrible movie. 
 

Then again, movies like Troll 2 don't come along every day.  If you haven't seen it, check it out.    Or I'll bake you a green cake and then feed your vegetable remains to my vegan friends. 

-jared

 

PS:  The official Troll 2 fansite can be found by clicking here.  If you're nutty and want to find out when the next Troll 2 party is coming your way, I say have a peek.

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Copyright 2007 Jared von Hindman or maybe just Jared Hindman.  It depends.  Any images used that are not Jared's are used via Fair Use review purposes and belong to their respective owners....who are nice people that don't want to sue me.

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