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  Women talk about Teeth!

Enjoy the thoughts of Jared's female readers as they ponder the implications of a biting vaginanomenon.  Please forgive Jared for the lack of pictures.  As usual, this page is rated 15, which means if you can't see "15" movies in theaters (Think "soft R" if you're a colonial) you maybe shouldn't be seeing this without a parent.  Just saying.  Also, the views expressed below totally aren't mine i.e. "insert corporate don't sue me text here".

Let's begin:

Reader #1: Educational Links
There is a link from the Teeth website to the main
character's MySpace page, in which she has a few in
character confessionals.  (View My: Videos)
This movie has an AWESOME website, because it uses a
rose/thorn packaging motif, and uses the clever line
"ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK"-- which I see plastered
online-- but takes on a totally new meaning.  The rose
petal with thorns might give an inkling of what is
going on inside.  They also briefly discuss vagina
You ladies want Vagina Dentata?
The anti-rape female condom.
(Jared interjects:  The above link doesn't work, but research tells me you're probably talking about:
http://www.antirape.co.za/intro.htm.   It's amazing.  And terrifying.  And REAL.  REEEEAL!)
I'm surprised you didn't mention the nuclear power
stacks right behind her home that likely was the cause
for her mutation.  They feature pretty prominently in
many scenes (and even though they vent totally
non-radioactive steam, they're still a symbol of weird
mutant-ness-- as well as being both simultaneously a
projecting phallic and feminine crucible symbol).


 Reader #2:  Check out my Blog, Yo!

Hey Jared,

first of all, I'm glad you're back to bless us devout fans with new art and new articles :)

Second, you said you were interested in a woman's opinion of "Teeth". I got the movie, watched it two times on my own, and then invited my friends (female as well) over in order to see what they think about the movie. I already posted the review on my new blog, so if you're interested:

And damn, that masturbation scene was creepy.

Anyways, glad you're back, and maybe my stuff about "Teeth" is interesting enough for you to read it. This semester at university, I have 6 hours of "gender seminars" every week, so I was prepared for that kind of stuff. Or at least so I thought. But hey, if I can talk about the depiction of females in Sumerian proverbs, I am totally qualified to review something like "Teeth". ;)

Best wishes and greets,
Necro Nadia



 Reader #3:   Librarians Love Teeth

Hello Jared,

 First I wanted to just say that I really love your site. My husband and I really get a kick out of everything on here, and there are days you're really what gets me through work. I'm a children's librarian, you have no idea the horror.

 So, I had to write and let you know that I've seen Teeth. Not to go into a huge play by play on the movie, but I found it crap. This is what I learned from Teeth:

 (1) Women are helpless, unless they can grow teeth in their nethers.

(2) All men are rapists waiting to happen.

(3) Sex is ucky.

 My personal experiance is: All the above is total shit, so I found the film pretty damn offensive. And this is coming from a woman who loves Kevin Smith movies, so you know...my tollerence level is pretty high.

 Anyhow, you do a great job! Keep it up!




 Reader #4:  I suspect was not actually a girl.  I'm not sure why.

Is it fair to ask if the chick in "Teeth" has teeth in her ass also?

-Just Curious

 Reader #5:  Actual Writer Writes in:

Hi Jared, I loved your review of Teeth. The movie encouraged me to write an article about vagina dentata. Here it is:


Casual Sex: The Myths and Realities of Desire
By Ana Blue

There have been many cautionary tales and urban legends about casual sex with strangers. One of the most well-known stories is the one where a man picks up an attractive woman at a bar, they have a few drinks and then they get a hotel room. After entering the hotel room, everything is a daze and he wakes up in a bathtub full of ice with an organ missing. There are many similar tales about casual encounters that result in organs being harvested for the black market; however, those are not the only sexual horror stories out there.

One of the most uncommon folklores of causal sex is vagina dentata, which is Latin for vagina teeth. A deterrent myth about a woman with teeth in her vagina has taken on many versions in various cultures. A version from India tells a story about a beautiful girl described as “fierce and angry” who had many lovers and whenever they would have sex, the man’s penis would be cut into three pieces because her vagina contained three teeth. A man agreed to marry her if only his servants could have sex with her first and she agreed. In doing this, the first servant lost his penis; the second one tricked her by telling her he could not bear to look at her during intercourse and had her cover her face. Once this was done, she was held down and the teeth were removed by force. Another tale from Native Americans involves a fish living inside a woman’s vagina and a hero who breaks the teeth out of her vagina.

All the tales from each culture are very similar and include a beautiful woman whose vagina castrates her lovers and in return, one man, a hero breaks or pulls out the teeth using immense force. Once this is done, the woman often marries her conqueror who frees her of her sexual disability. The sexism and violence in these tales run deep, using strong words for the removal of the teeth that threaten manhood. In none of the stories does the woman ask to have the teeth removed from her vagina; instead, they are removed without consent. In some cultures, these myths lead to reality, from the castrating female to the castrated female. In some parts of Africa where genital mutilation is a part of life, the Nandi tribes would perform female circumcision with the fear that the clitoris may be a tooth.

The Middle East tells a tale of a succubus known as Um Al Duwayce who would do more than lure men into sex with her beautiful appearance and scent. This particular succubus sought out adulterers to exact revenge on, when she would lure her victims into intercourse, she would disfigure the penis or even castrate the man with the razors contained within her vagina. Unlike the tales of vagina dentata, there is no hero who rescues this succubus from her sexual deformity; in this case, Um Al Duwayce acts as an anti-hero, dishing out punishment on those who have broken their vows.

Um Al Duwayce was not a typical succubus; in most tales, a succubus is a demon that takes the appearance of beautiful women filled with lust and desire to attract their prey— a sleeping male. Her intention is not to seek revenge on man, but to steal his seed and draw energy from him which she needs to survive usually leaving the victim for dead. Much like vagina dentata, these tales represent women as beautiful creatures but in a negative light. They suck the life from men, stealing their sperm and in some cases bringing it back to an incubus who then uses it to impregnate sleeping women. Stories of succubi were often used to explain wet dreams and another cautionary tale of sex with strange women.

There are many similar tales that feature beautiful but deadly women such as sirens, harpies and many other mythical creatures who seduce men with their beauty, song and scent and then leave them for dead. The stories of la belle dame sans mercy and various femme fatales present women in a negative light in an attempt to scare people away from casual sex. With the rising acceptance of promiscuity and being long past a time where sexual freedom was just a revolution without thought of bodily harm, teaching abstinence only and sexual horror stories will not prevent people from having sex if that is what they want to do.  

Teaching both abstinence and safer sex as two options of sexual practices as opposed to fearing castration from teeth in a woman’s vagina or having the life sucked from you can create a healthier sexual environment. Casual sex is not as dangerous as the myths play it out to be but as time goes on the cautionary tales become less frightening than the reality of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. HIV/AIDS started as a tale of a disease called GRID (gay-related immunodeficiency disease) in which only gay men were found to contract the disease and spread it among the population. The myth of GRID being a homosexual disease was debunked and found that HIV/AIDS is passed among anyone of any sexuality if they participate in high-risk behaviors such as casual sex without condoms. Taking proper precautions in any sexual activity keeps you from harm and can enable you to continue with all your intimate endeavors.

With the marrying age being pushed back further as more and more decide to hold off on settling down so they can continue their education and focus on a career, there has been a turnover in what is acceptable sexual behavior. No expectations, no emotions and no attachments can leave a person free to continue their lifestyle with any disruptions. With casual hookups, the basic need for sex and human contact is met, yet a person’s daily life is not thrown out of the loop by a newcomer and a relationship. We live in a world where people with hectic schedules looking for love or sex can search for it at their desk by browsing dating sites like Match.com and eHarmony. However, if you are looking for a casual hookup without having to go to a bar, there are sites like Adult Friend Finder and Plenty of Fish where you can weed out your likes and dislikes and screen a person before you have an intimate encounter. Using these sites can enable a person to get a little back information from someone and not necessarily have to wonder if you will wake up with your wallet stolen, kidney missing and/or a STI.

There is no absolute way to ensure safe casual sex. In a hookup, most people do not interrogate their sex partner about their sexual history, status and in some cases their names. The best way is to protect yourself if you are going to go off and have sex with a stranger, take precautions such as text messaging a friend and letting them know where you are going and in the bedroom always make sure protection is used. In the end, even if it was emotionless sex, it was sex and most people are just happy to get laid.




  Reader #6:  I did not know Vajayjay was spelled that way.

Dear Jared,

I just finished watching "Teeth" not even an hour ago and all I can possibly say is "wow". The thing is, I had seen a couple cases of this movie sitting on the shelf at one of my local video stores and read over it, but it didn't come off as some righteous movie I would want to see so I kept looking. I was somewhat shocked to see "Teeth" being reviewed on your site just because most of the movies you review are never at any of the video stores around here. Any ways, I read your article and I thought,"Huh, perhaps I should see this.." so I went ahead and rented it. Holy crap, even coming from a woman, I still had that,"Ohmyfreakinggod! Her vajayjay has teeth!" factor going on in my head. But I mean, it was funny in a dark her-vagina-just-bit-off-his-man-meat sort of way. I think any other woman would have to agree that the O.B. scene was extremely funny. The fact that he's fighting a killer vagina; I snicker in seat thinking about it. The movie did come off somewhat empowering though, but I was confused whether she was a heroin or a villain. Yeah, she was raped or molested more than anyone should be in like what? A week? But is it totally necessary to bite a guys meat off? That's not to say there may be other movies where it makes my gender feel empowering, but "Teeth" gave me the most abundance of that feeling. I'd still give it about 7.5/10 in my opinion, just because of the undertone of tacky comedy it gave.


   Reader #7:  Gentle Thoughts

Hello, greetings, I am answering your request for female opinion in regards to 'Teeth.' Unfortunately, I have seen this film. From the trailer which I saw from a website, or on TV, I can't remember, for whatever reason I said to myself "Yes, yes, I want to see that." So I checked it out, viewing it in its entirety. And I was sad.

Its definitely a film one can talk about, but I didn't find it humorous or empowering as you said in your review. I didn't find it empowering so much as, throughout the film I was wondering "WHAT THE CHRIST IS GOING ON!?" Because it seemed like although she wanted to abstain from sex until marriage (a noble cause) every male in the film, (except for her step father) wanted to have sex with her, and not just sex, but rape her. To take her completely unwillingly instead of just sharing a one night stand. I was thinking to myself, where is she in America that everyone is so sex-deprived?

When her vagina begins to bite off penises (or fingers) all willy-nilly, and although she is frightened, she later accepts it and decides to use it...I was left wondering whether I was supposed to feel empowered by this, or just confused...

I felt the latter. Also, granted I am female and do not possess a penis when there were the moments of horrific screaming and bloodshed over a lost penis, I did flinch up and feel mildly nauseous.

I've gandered and saw many a smut horror flick in my 21 years of existence..but this was just off...my mind couldn't register what it was. Whether it was a low-budget smut film or a to-be-taken-seriously-woman-empowering-horror-comedy.

Anyway, I just wanted to feel you in on how I felt and I very much appreciated your review.

Thank you for reading,


   Reader #8:  "Difficult to Digest" :shudder:

I just read you're article about Teeth (a movie I doubt you would have forgotten) and said you wanted a fairly short summary of a woman's reaction to this movie.

To put it succinctly: I laughed, I cried, and I watched it twice. It's not a movie for the weak-stomached, or for the extremists (extreme virgin, extreme Christian, extreme feminist, ect.), but for anyone who does not believe in black/white, only shades of gray, you will find it interesting at least. And anyone with a dark sense of humor will find it funny.

If you want a little more detail (mostly because I haven't had the chance to talk about it yet):
I have to admit, I liked this movie. I felt almost bad about it, especially laughing when the gyno's fingers fell out of her, but I did enjoy myself. As a woman, I felt a cruel sense of triumph and comeuppance as Dawn dismembered the boy who date-raped her. As a feminist, I cried foul. While it was a dickish (I'm sorry, I needed to use it once in here) move for him to treat her like that, few men truly deserve a punishment as that. The first boy was one of them, but I failed to see how mutilating her step-brother was justice at all. Frightening him would have been good enough, even killing him, but the punishment really didn't fit the crime. Although it was really funny watching the dog eat his penis.

It's a difficult movie to really digest for itself due to the shock value. There are so many things this movie can illustrate:
The penis vs. vagina mentality that people seem to have (sex/sexuality is a fight, one sex is lesser, ect.)
The obvious virgin/slut complex (are you a slut if you have sexual thoughts/touch yourself/have sex/have a lot of sex...)
How far revenge should go
What really is justice for rapists, assholes, and dicks
What women should REALLY do when confronted with situations (that don't involve penile mutilation)

If you want to, you can make this movie really deep. Or you can just take it for face value and remember to be careful which chick you piss off.

   Reader #9:  Say my name!  Say it!

Well hello Mr. Jared. May I say that I hope you have a girlfriend because you deserve to have a source of steady sexings. My name is Aislyn (A - ZUH - LYN kthxplz) and I just read your review of "Teeth". You know, with the evil vagina? Yes, well, I thought it was interesting and I was wondering if you may be able to help me get ahold of a copy so i may..er.. let you know what I think? Well yes, that I suppose. I may even congregate some of my more... err... open lady friends and surprise them...eheh.

...In other news I think your hilarious and I love b-movies of all sorts (Re-Animator is my fav). Uhmm.... that should be all.

Oh, yes, and I don't know if your aware as of yet but via the wonders of the internet one is capable of purchasing a set of vagina teeth for the very purpose of horrible mutilating anything you don't want inside you.

Well...thank you for bothering to read my email and have a very pleasent day.


   Reader #10:  3 Words.


 You asked for the female perspective on the film "Teeth", and I'm providing it for you.


Three words.


What. The. Shit.


That was just...truly bizarre. I read your review before I watched it and after I watched it, and I came to a similar conclusion that you did. However, I do not see this movie as much as an "I am WOMAN hear me ROAR!" but more of a "Cast off the chains of organized religion and all it entails!" film.

 So in the beginning of the film, Dawn is incredibly wrapped up in her (almost cultish) youth group, who has an incredibly fixation on purity. Then, when she loses her purity, or rather it is taken from her, she completely recoils against everything the group stood for, including marriage; something she was incredibly attracted to before the incident. But still, we don't really see her completely ditching her faith until after she has the enjoyable sex with the second kid. The first time  she has sex with the second boy, she's still spouting off information about purity and her sacred vow and so on and so forth, but after she has sex, and therefore becomes more knowledgeable about sexuality, it's as if the purity issue is nonexistent. She doesn't really mourn over her purity. It's almost as if it isn't important any longer. Instead, she now sees sex as a tool by which she can seek revenge.

 So I would say the overall message that this film is trying to convey is that religion, and all the sexuality constraining laws that it includes, and sexuality cannot coincide.

 Now see, your feminism argument also fits into my "religion + sexuality = not happening" argument as well, because a lot of people (rather falsely, in my opinion) assume that religion demands the degradation of women. Not necessarily to the point of "eat dirt, bitch, you're my sex slave" but definitely in a "you're the wife. Cook and raise the children that's what you do" kind of mentality. When Dawn starts using sex and her monster vajayjay for revenge, she completely disregards her faith as well as the subservient woman stereotype, and instead adopts power in her sexuality.

 So there, that's my commentary on the movie.


Oh, also, I almost threw up when they showed the second boy's penis missing. It was definitely WAY more graphic than the first kids penis being chopped off (eaten? mutilated? destroyed?) by the monster vagina.


Anyway, hope you enjoyed my perspective.




   Reader #11:  16-year-old girl talks about Teeth

Hello Jared,

First of all, I found your site via Stumble!, and instantly fell in love with your movie reviews (the first one I read was Teeth, actually). You have quite a flare for drawing the reader in with something funny/sarcastic/etc.

Now, onto the what you really want to hear.

My name is Alyssa, and I am a sixteen year old girl. I'm a junior at my local high school and I am on winter vacation with nothing to do. Now, my parents rented Teeth about two months ago with Netflix. I knew about it via ads on the Internet Movie Database and Wiki'd it for a plot summary. As one could imagine, I kind of went 'Wow, that's... different.' I'm a little weird though, because I researched the myth of a the vagina dentata and was intrigued with how they would convey the myth with this movie, and I just knew I had to watch it.

I have to start out with a quote from Io9's Best and Worst Science Fiction Movies of 2008:

"This year saw a boomlet in feminist horror movies, between this film and Zombie Strippers. But the raw satire of vagina-dentata movie Teeth was sharper, and the story of how Dawn comes to realize her toothy mutant pussy is a superpower rather than a curse is a beautiful spin on adolescence."

I'm not sure about the Zombie Strippers part, but I know Teeth did not deserve nineth place on Io9's "best" list when Let The Right One In was on their tenth place. But I digress. Teeth is certainly classified as a feminist film, but what I felt wasn't empowerment when Dawn used her snatch to, er, snatch men's dicks.

 I'm going to attack what put me off most, and that is the fact that every male portrayed in this movie is a sleazy, horrible, molesting, juvenile loser who wants a piece of Dawn's ass. I know this is a film, but that's simply unrealistic! The gynecologist is the worst, since they are trained to be gentle and to not take advantage of their patients. I doubt someone like him would even be able to practice medicine upon his interview; he's just. That. Creepy. I just think it a went a little too far in having all the guys grab for her ass every other minute, and then Bill's father--the only man who's decent in the entire story--is a pussy!

Moving along to what else bothers me: I'm not sure what the director intended me, a woman, to feel towards Dawn. Was I supposed to look up to her? Was I supposed to cheer her on? I'm honestly not sure. What I do know, however, is that she isn't a heroine in my eyes. When you pile on the fact that every man she comes into contact with is a horndog, I did not register with her transformation from "ignorant young virgin girl" to "empowered dick snatching woman." To be honest, it just felt like she became a bitch. But I guess that's what you would turn into if every guy in town wanted to have sex with you?

So, in summary, when I think about the message of this movie (assuming that message is "feel strong, woman!"), I don't really connect with it. All I see is "Girl has vagina dentata. Girl is raped/molested numerous times. Girl decides to get revenge by biting off men's dicks." Does she feel empowered? Certainly. She becomes comfortable with herself, she feels sexy, you blatantly see her metamorphosis. You just don't... change with her. I didn't like her in the beginning (then again, the whole Christianity and abstinence stuff turns me off, anyway, so it could just be me). I liked her less towards the end of the film, because as her character arc formed, I could just see her using her teeth to attack men instead of defending herself against them.

Is it a good film? It was a fun watch. However, I, too, cringed whenever she bit off a man's wang. And the noise that came with it... eugh. I did not think they would show a severed penis on screen. Repeatedly. Brrrr.

I hope you found this rant useful.




   Reader #12:   Vagina = Taboo

Just because you asked so nicely.

This movie bothered me in a few ways, but (and I'm maybe a little guilty for saying this) it did make me laugh, so maybe it was intended to be more comedic for women? The things that made me laugh about it though was just the absurdity of the concept, and the fact that in the commercials it was plugged as being a "cautionary tale for men". What men? There's obviously no chance of this ever happening ever in real life and the thought of a penis-devouring vagina (probably because I don't have a dick) just seemed silly and cartoonish to me. That being said, I like to see rapists get their comeuppance in movies so I did actually smile or laugh at some of those parts. It was really the same sort of feeling I get when really annoying characters get killed off in regular horror movies, though.

"Teeth" is not a feminist movie, let me be clear on that, and if it is meant to be it's going about it completely backwards. The idea of Vagina Dentata is a mysoginistic myth that has roots in the messed up notion that female genitalia is unclean or disgusting, whereas male genitalia is perfect and should be glorified (allusions to this belief were brought up in the classroom scene where pictures of vaginas in biology textbooks were covered up). Everywhere we look in western society there is phallic imagery, in our construction, art, food etc. I thought it was interesting that the director played the reverse of this.

I couldn't really get into this movie, as it seemed more for a male audience, the overt message of course being "rape is bad, don't do it."... but there were some subtler messages that bothered me, that maybe only came through to me because I'm female. To me there was a strong undercurrent of "Vagina = taboo" as well as "The only way a woman can be powerful is through sex". Which pissed me off a little. Depending on how ironic the movie was intended to be, though, I wouldn't be surprised is someone told me a woman wrote/directed this. It seems in places like a bitter, pissed off feminist man-hating flick, and then in other places like a commentary on how women are viewed sexually in society. I can say that I was glad I wasn't a guy while watching it, it probably would have been ten times as painful.

And no, that gynocologist was definitely not following protocol. :p Heh.

- Hannah M.


   Reader #13:  Watch Teeth with all your guy friends.  I dare you.

Well somehow I happened across your website and..wow...it is very ...different. I really like your comics and the art work is just awesome.really. You definatly have your own style going on there.
 I also read your article about "teeth"..I had to. well I saw that movie last year when I had found it at blockbuster with my friends Andrew and Jordan....well let me tell you that was a very awkward movie to watch with them because they are Guys. I can definatly see how it is a comedy..becasue well..Maybe I'm just weird but come on...A GUY GETS HIS DICK CUT OFF BY TEETH IN A VAGINA because he was an ass and tried to rape someone!...dude talk about self-defense....of course every girl would be happy at that moment because he deserved it. ..So yeah. Thats about it.
Also maybe one day..when I finally get some money to spare I will buy something of yours.



   Reader #14:  It's fair to laugh, right?

I'm not sure how old your article on Teeth was, (I came across it via the Firefox add-on StumbleUpon) but I must say, it was entertaining. Sure, I've seen the IMDB reviews and seen small paragraphs dedicated to how repulsed normal viewers were, but an entire article devoted to the feminist (maybe?) imagery was something I hadn't come across yet.

I rented this movie about this time last year (July 2008) with my then-boyfriend. Obviously marketed as a horror-comedy, I didn't go into it thinking a whole lot about plot, or expecting to take it seriously. However, I was surprised at just how gruesome the film was. I'm not saying this is a bad thing by any means, I'm generally at the theaters opening nights for the newest horror film. But there was definitely a gore element I wasn't quite expecting.

I wasn't impressed by Teeth in any sense of the word, but it was, to say the least, interesting. Both my boyfriend and I were as puzzled as you seem to be as to whether it was feminist, or just retarded. As a young female, I don't see it as feminist at all. I completely agree that the character of Dawn never actually develops and is just looking for some weird teenager angsty revenge on boys/men. I can understand the angle where one might argue that she's using her abnormality for "good," but hey, mutilation is still a crime in most countries, right?

I admit, we laughed. Not being a guy, I probably wasn't as traumatized by the scenes of devoured and detached penises, but it did make me cringe. The overall affect on me, though, was that of humor. I don't know that the film was supposed to make me laugh as much as I did, but that's what happened. Again, I understand how it might have the purpose as female empowerment but I think Erin Brokovich did a much better job.

Basically, you mentioned wanting a female opinion. Here it is, however belated: The film was dumb, I will never watch it again, I laughed, failed to take it seriously and cannot fathom how anyone would, at the end of the movie, say to themselves, "Good for her, taking a stand for women like that..."

Teeth makes for good drunken conversation amongst high school friends, at best.


   Reader #15:  Haven't seen it, but I say something Smart.

This movie does sound...interesting, but I'm not as much of a film masochist as
you. So while I haven't watched it, there is something I want to point out.
Sexually, this movie is the opposite of every other horror film ever made. In
most films, we see gratuitious female nudity, not to mention rape/attempted rape
scenes. Check out "top ten" most disturbing films, and most of them include a
woman being raped. All of the cringing you do while watching this film is a
mirror of what women do while watching most horror films. 
That's all I'm going to say, but its something to consider.


   Reader #16:   Oh my.

So I read the review of Teeth on your site, and linked to it at a forum I frequent. In vengeance, they talked me into reviewing this nightmare of a film.
http://www.terra-arcanum.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=15775 <--- A minute-by-minute 'WHY am I watching this movie' account of my reactions to this film. You said you wanted a women's opinion of this film, there's the long version.
Short version: Oh god, oh god, oh god, this is one of the most horrific and disturbing things I have seen in my entire life. My brain hurts. I think it's managed to drop a nuke on my sex drive. There is nothing empowering or inspiring about this film. It is, however, a wonderful film to show people if you want to make sure they NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Not even people who enjoy snuff flicks and gore porn. I think I'm going to puke.
~ Caity, who may indeed never have sex again


   Reader #17:  Atypical woman still has vagina, so she counts.

I stumbled onto your site because of your utterly hilarious D&D monster article. So I would recommend that you take my opinions with a grain of salt, since as an enormous nerd, I am far from your typical woman. Still, I do have a vagina, so I feel this does give me a slightly different perspective on things.

Prior to this film, my only exposure to vagina dentata came from Neil Gaiman's novel American Gods and the somewhat obnoxious but undeniably hilarious parody of Disney's "Hakuna Matata." (If you're unfamiliar with the latter, use your imagination. It's not much of a leap, really.) So I went into this sort of expecting a vagina-themed slasher film.

At first, I thought the film was going to prove me totally wrong. I really, really did. It seemed to be an interesting, if somewhat one-dimensional, exploration of repressed female sexuality and male control. I have been on the receiving end of several fairly dreadful abstinence talks, and that and the censored sex-ed book really evoked a response, as did Dawn's failed masturbation scene. As an avowed enjoyer of pre-marital sex, porn and masturbation, I was really rooting for her repressed sexuality.

The first rape scene didn't do too much to change my opinion of what seemed to be a dark, dramatic film. Showing the severed wang seemed a little heavy-handed, but hey, gore sells. It was the crab that sent off little warning bells and started me giggling. "Ah," I thought, "what an excellent use of gallows humor, in what is still an essentially serious film!"

Only not.

The scene with the gynecologist was where I lost it. Now, mind you, for a woman, the first visit to a gynecologist is very stressful, no matter how comfortable she is with her sexuality. Having a stranger poke around in your lady bits is decidedly odd, especially when that stranger is male. Of course, in a REAL doctor's office, if the gynecologist is male, there will ALWAYS be a female nurse present. But having a female nurse present wouldn't have given the movie a chance for Mr. Doctor to be a creepy fucker, so I guess verisimilitude has to be sacrificed sometimes. When Mr. Doctor transformed from Mr. Funny and Comforting to Mr. Creepy Fucker, this was when I said, "Oh, movie, I see what you did there. Making me like a man, only to prove me wrong yet again!" And when he started flailing around like a seal being eaten by a shark, and when he started screaming, "VAGINA DENTAAAATAAAA!" that was about when I gave up on Teeth as a thoughtful, interesting piece of cinema, and just kept watching to see what horrible man-mauling would happen next.

The later scenes definitely had some Troma-esque levels of unnecessary and gratuitous wang violence, and the ending was unsurprising and cliche. As a whole, not an impressive piece of work, and not really what I'd call feminist, either. Just a lot of cringe-worthy penicide (yeah, I went there).

So there's your female perspective. I hope it was enlightening.



....and there you go.  Thanks for sharing, girls.







Copyright 2009 Jared von Hindman or maybe just Jared Hindman.  It depends.  Any images used that are not Jared's are used via Fair Use review purposes and belong to their respective owners....who are nice people that don't want to sue me.

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