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Warning:  Jared is going to talk about Art, booze, and drinking far, far, far too much.  He does not encourage anyone to do what he's done here, nor is he responsible if you hurt yourself trying to drink yourself to Artistic Enlightenment.  seriously.  Don't drink kids.  It's bad for you.

I make it a habit to do weird art experiments on a fairly regular basis.  I guess that's what makes it a habit.  As a few of you might have noticed, last February (and almost until March) I did a 300 hour painting marathon that I think turned out rather well.  Last week I decided to accept a challenge someone posed to me at the time, for better or for worse.  What was the challenge exactly?

For every painting that I start, I'd have to take a shot of tequila.  The Art Crash (henceforth referred to as an "Art Smash" for obvious reasons) would only end when I could no long safely paint or remain conscious.  Now first off:  I don't drink that often and when I do I'm what people refer to as a "Cheap Date."  I typically have NO tolerance to alcohol that a few of my friends have seen first hand.  However tequila has a weird history with me.  You see, when I was 18 me and my older woman got together and started doing shots.  After about five or so, she had to stop.  Me?  I was doing surprisingly well...and got goaded into drinking more.  That night I had about 12 shots of tequila and was still (relatively) fine and could have continued had people not started passing out all over the place.  So about 8 years later, when someone suggested I do a drunken Art Smash with tequila, it seemed like a good idea.  SEEMED is the key word here.  Say hello to my little friend:

I can't believe I really thought this would be fun...but drawing a face on the bottle might let me keep that in mind while I kill brain cells in the name of art (or Art).  I hate the taste of tequila...but I think that's the point of drinking shots.  When I do drink, I hate to confess, I'm a total girl.  If it's filled with sugar and has a silly i.e. totally fruity name, I probably enjoy drinking it.  Absinthe and Aftershock also grace my glass occasionally, but out on the town it's girl drinks all the way.  Stop judging me.  My point is tequila was pretty medicinal for our purposes tonight.  And I promise you I would start calling it much worse things before this Art Smash ended about 8 hours later. 

The other aspect added to the idea of an Art Crash here was a dominant theme.  After much consideration, I took someone else's suggestion to "paint nothing but dinosaurs" to heart and decided it could work.  After a quick trip to the video store, grabbing every Jurassic Park and Carnosaur film I could find, I was ready to be entertained while the tequila ravaged any shred of artistic talent I pretend to have to ribbons.  Enough talk.  Let's bring the pain:

Tequila Shot #1:  Evil Genius, Dinosaur

Dear Lord.  Right out of the gate I'm already screwing up.  While I meant to draw a humanoid dinosaur with a giant brain, that is undeniably a butt on the top of his head.  I'm just glad I didn't write "I can smell your thoughts, human", because that would be a little too messed up

Tequila Shot #2:  The Chameleon

Tequila Shot #3:  King Kong is Scary

Wow.  Three shots down and I'm not doing too bad.  Maybe I should try a different style...

Tequila Shot #4:  Red Rex

I'm really embarrassed that one of the worst paintings in the series was done so early in the Art Smash.  Dear God I screwed this one up royally.  After this happened I tried to be a bit more careful since I didn't want this whole thing to suck on toast.  I don't know if that worked or not, but God damn I hate the Red Rex painting.

Tequila Shot #5  Dinosaur Duality

I don't know either.

Tequila Shot #6:  LL Cool J and his Stupid Hat

I may have to explain this before you think that I was already hallucinating.  Besides renting dinosaur films, I also rented a copy of "Deep Blue Sea", this older movie about giant intelligent killer sharks starring LL Cool J.  The moment the end credits start to roll, this GOD AWFUL rap song starts playing where the chorus is literally:

"Uh!  My hat is like a Shark's fin!  Hu-yah!  My Hat is like a Shark's Fin!  Uh!"

Touching lyrics that are even more amusing when you start filling up on tequila, let me tell you.

Tequila Shot #7:  Progressive Pterodactyl

Wow.  That's not that bad...all things considered.  Maybe my mysterious tolerance of tequila is still with me....then again maybe not.

Tequila Shot #8:  Feed Me!

And so the whole "dinosaur" theme slowly mutated into "prehistoric reptiles and their friends."  I think that's right because for some reason I thought throwing together a quick Venus flytrap painting made total sense.  Gah.

Tequila Shot #9:  Smiles, Everyone!

I really need to stop defending my drunken logic before I put my foot in my mouth.  I think that's supposed to be a dinosaur in a top hat. 

Tequila Shot #10:  Plesiosaur Wavelengths

Ten shots in and I can still stumble through weird implicative watercolors.  Good to know, if I'm ever caught in a bar when a random painting competition spontaneously starts up.

Tequila Shot #11:  Dinosaucer!

Does anyone else remember the Dinosaucers?  They had this really terrible cartoon in the 1980's (I think) featuring humanoid alien dinosaurs.  Some were good, some were bad.  This one was apparently based off of an Archaeopteryx...that cool not-so-missing link between dinosaurs and birds.

Tequila Shot #12:  Asteroid the Quarterback and Mascaradactyl, the Head Cheerleader.

I don't know either.  Someone suggested that I draw "Mascaradactyl and here boyfriend Asteroid, the stegosaurus."  So, in a haze of tequila, I did.

Let's take a break for a moment and explain why I'm not dead yet from taking in copious amounts of tequila.  Maybe I still have that mysterious tolerance...or maybe it's because I'm 6'3'' and it takes more alcohol to kill me than (shorter) mortal men.  I'm not an overweight monstrosity so the whole height+weight formula fails to explain away how I can still hold a brush.  Maybe the tequila was defective.  I really don't know.  What I will say is time between shots is spaced out a bit more for me here than it would be for a guy sitting in a bar trying to kill himself with tequila.  While I can't say how long each painting took, everything you see in this Art Smash was done within 8 hours.  I still think that's a fair amount of drinking considering the sheer number of paintings I finished, but yeah, that's the explanation for how I could still paint.  Time.  30 shots sounds deadly, but space it out over 8 hours...maybe you'll live.  Sure, I had to lean on walls to get to the bathroom, but at least I could still get to the bathroom.  Why am I talking about all this crap now?

Because from this point on I think I was significantly poisoned by tequila and I think it shows in all the paintings that follow.  The worst part is that I would KEEP drinking.  The deal was that I'd stop when I couldn't go on.  Christ.  Why did I agree to this?

Tequila Shot #13:  The Dreaded Horned Toad

Tequila Shot #14:  When I'm drunk, I can't spell Archaeopteryx

I really should have colored this.  The problem with producing a painting quickly in this Art Smash is that, if I do so, it's time to take another shot immediately.  Let me tell you:  I really didn't want to keep drinking.  I wanted nothing to do with the devil drink known as tequila, but I'm not one to back out of an art challenge.  Stupid, stupid me.

Tequila Shot #15:  Phoenixopteryx

I feel terrible about how, after 15 shots, I can still paint something better than that terrible Red Rex abomination that I made a few hours earlier when I was (much) more sober.

Tequila Shot #16:  Devil Dinosaur (with his best friend, Moonboy)

I've been looking at goofy comic books lately and for some reason Jack Kirby's old "Devil Dinosaur" came through the veil of tequila.  It's a comic about "Moonboy" (I think that's his name) who is the first human (albeit a very hairy one that runs around naked and looking like a monkey) and his best friend...a blood red T-rex called the Devil Dinosaur.  For some reason I envisioned DD eating his little monkey friend.  So that's what I painted. 

Tequila Shot #17:  Ankylosaur

If you're not convinced that I was really drinking, please know that I thought, at the time, writing "MOO" above the dinosaur was the cleverest and funniest thing ever.  Moo.

Tequila Shot #18:  Yes, I've been drinking.

I HATE TEQUILA I HATE TEQUILA I HATE TEQUILA.

Tequila Shot #19:  Denver the Last Dinosaur is the Beginning and the End.

Considering his full name, trying to turn Denver (you know, from that nightmarish cartoon) into Ouroboros strikes me as rather fitting. 

Tequila Shot #20:  Triceratops Peasant.

Tequila Shot #21:  John and Marsha

NO.  Marsha is not rubbing against John's backside.  That look of terror on his face is your imagination.

Tequila Shot #21:  Dimetrodon

Fun fact:  The Dimetrodon isn't a dinosaur, but a Synapsid...a class of mammal-like reptiles that would eventually produce the Therapsids which would eventually produce Mammals which would eventually produce your MOM.

Tequila Shot #22:  Abyssal Predator

Tequila Shot #23:  The Saber-Tooth Tiger

I think at this point I was feeling the way he looks.  I really wanted this to over and I wanted to be angry at someone besides myself.  The problem was that I was sober enough to keep painting.  Damn it.

Tequila Shot #24:  Saurian Theatre

This was the REAL beginning of the end.  When I start doing paintings in white-out, watercolor, and crayon, the end has to be near.

Tequila Shot #25:  Jared tries to paint a weekly banner

"Tried" to paint a weekly banner.

Tequila Shot #26:  The One-Brush Dinosaur

I'm actually kind of proud of this one.  It looks like I only used one brush to do the whole thing which is something new for me.  I just wish it hadn't taken me TWENTY-SIX shots of tequila to have that idea.  Luckily, I was almost done (or dead).

Tequila Shot #27:  Fish Bones?

When I looked down and saw this, it occurred to me that I was pretty much finished.  So, with one final shot I tried to capture exactly how I felt:

FINAL Tequila Shot #28:  Exactly How I Felt

No, I did not throw up...but I felt pretty ill, let me assure you.  When I finished this one I went to bed and had some really messed up dreams.  Something about dinosaurs being killed off by my first girlfriend being sucked back in time and stabbing them with chocolate hearts.  I think my Dad was there with my old English teacher and a clown suit was involved.  I don't really remember, but it was wretched. 

Kids, don't drink and paint.  While some good might come out of it, the whole "self-destructive artist" lifestyle is a bit too clichéd these days.  Oh and if anyone's interested in seeing how much damage I did to that new bottle of tequila, I took a picture of it before and after in the same place.  Look and know that I will never do this (at least with tequila) ever again:

FULL    NOT FULL

While I can't say that I enjoyed the experience, it was a pretty interesting way to get a lot of paintings done.  Interesting being the key word.  Next time I think a terrible idea sounds like fun, someone stop me, alright?

I really hate tequila. 

-jared

TAKE ME HOME!

 

All images are copyright 2006 jared von hindman...if you steal them he'll crash a plane into your house or at least empty your liquor cabinet in the name of "Art".  Oh and if anyone wants to own any of these little bits of drunken pain, feel free to email me.  They bring nothing but fever dreams and bad memories.