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Pain is what allows us to know we're alive.  The Death Toll exists to document those times that a little part of us has died, merely for the sake of our own masochistic entertainment.  In other words, I'm over here, counting the blows to the head and really strange or stupid things you might have overlooked.  Most of these are bad horror movies, but hey, there are some pretty good exceptions to that rule.

Updated irregularly.  (Last updated August 24th with High Crusade,  Man-Thing, and Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2: In Shocking 2-D)

 

Movie, Monster, and the Method  The details you NEED to know. (or don't)    

50 First Dates (2004)

HOT VOMITING WALRUS ACTION

Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore star in this romantic comedy that is rather sweet and standard romantic film fare...except for completely random moments that brought me far too much joy.  It's like this: Imagine if you took a copy of Casablanca and spliced in hardcore Japanese Hentai in there.  It's not that bad but that's the general gist of how the film's set up.  Romantic scene here, cute scene here, long Walrus Vomit scene snuck in for good measure.

Alien Terminator (1996)

COCAINE IS THE SECRET OF LIFE, ALL SCIENTISTS ARE STRIPPERS IN THEIR FREE TIME

Despite the name of this film, there are no aliens in this film, just one giant mutant rat-monster.  The mutant creature is given life when a drug-using scientist spills cocaine and blood into a petri dish.  Who knew coke was part of God's creative process?  Don't answer that.  Also pay attention to what this film has to teach:  All female scientist are apparently lingerie models in their free time.  :sigh: I so went into the field.  Who knew quantum genetics was a babe magnet? 
American Werewolf in Paris (1997)

SKINHEAD WEREWOLVES, WERE-MONKEYS

  Not to be confused with the film "A French Vampire in America" from the director of "American Werewolf in London," this film necessitates two major comments:  1:  When you make a werewolf movie, make sure that your werewolves are not really ugly Baboon/Monkey Pig-Dogs in disguise.  2: Do not expect a movie to be good if the best thing going for it is the writer behind "THE CHIMP CHANNEL." Jesus, even if you don't know what that was just imagine if your creative advisor had that in his resume.  Werewolf movie, huh?  Nope. Not enough monkeys.  We'll have to fix that.  Were-chimps...who'll notice?  You know what else this film needs?  Gratuitous Bungee-jumping.  :sigh:  I wish I was kidding. 
Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman (1993)

50-Ft.-DARYL HANNAH'S GIANT DOUCHE

  Despite having a ginormous Daryl Hannah, this film will haunt you by exposing you  to a giant Summer's Eve product.  Sure it's implied, and if you blink you miss it, but how many films really want you to think about a humongous crotch that needs cleaning?  Well, this one does, at least.  Sickos.
Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

BIG-BOOB SPACESHIP, CROTCH-MOUNTED DRINK DISPENSER, ALIEN PORNOGRAPHY, RADIOACTIVE MIDGETS, LOTS AND LOTS OF PAIN

This Star Wars rip-off is a remake of The Magnificent Seven  which was a rip-off of The Seven Samurai.  It goes down hill from there.  Seven random "space adventurers" fight the evil John Saxon across the cosmos.  Random scenes include:  a giant ship with Breasts, a space trucker who pours gin and tonic from his crotch, alien women sing songs about genitalia with the line "Tingle his Dingle Dangle" in it, a man with a cabinet for a body commands a hero to sex up his daughter, midgets communicate by burning you, and there's even a scene where John Saxon is strangled by a hand he randomly glues onto himself.   There's so much crap going on in this movie that there's no way to digest it all.  Thank God.
Battle Royale (2000)

9TH GRADERS SLAUGHTER EACH OTHER

With no less than 40 on-screen deaths, this film deserves its spot here, if only for the volume.  The story of a Japanese class that must kill each other with randomly assigned weapons, the film is violent and mean.  With knives, guns, tasers, grenades, crossbows, poison, and more, you'll look at this film as a less refined version of Clue. Though none of the deaths are "creative" its fun seeing a geeky schoolgirl grab a submachine gun and blow away her friends, or even just stab a would -be boyfriend in the crotch.  Yay!
Battlefield Baseball (2003)

BASEBALL ZOMBIE MUSICAL

Yes, this is indeed a movie that's a musical about zombies who play baseball.  There's more to it but for the love of God nothing beats the fact that it's about ZOMBIES WHO PLAY BASEBALL.  :sigh:  Anything else I could say about it can't hold a candle to that.  
Beowulf (1999)

ZOMBIE CRAB MONSTERS ARE HOT IN FISHNET STOCKINGS

Remember the epic poem Beowulf?  Well, this is the movie version...only it takes place in the post-apocalyptic future where Christopher Lambert, actor who played the Highlander, plays Beowulf who seems to also be playing the Highlander.  Grendel's Mother shows up dressed as a cross between Britney Spears and a $2 whore.  Obviously the  movie stays true to the original work. :sigh:
Berserker (2001)

VAMPIRE VALKYRIE whore PSYCHOLOGIST, NOT HIGHLANDER

  Such a cultural film.  Where else do we find psychologists that dress like prostitutes, Nordic immortals with swords (not Celtic...that would be those other immortals-with-swords movies), strange men in bear suits as berserkers, and other ridiculousness.  But then again, any film that's final moral is something like "All women are evil, slutty demons that force you to kill" can't be that bad.
Beware:  Children at Play (1989)

MURDEROUS CANNIBAL KIDS AND SLAUGHTERED CHILDREN 

Another Troma film, this movie is interesting for only two reasons.  1.  You get to see kids murder and be murdered all over the place.  Innocence of children my ass. 2.  You get to see the most butchered interpretation of Beowulf you'll ever see.  Yeah, I know.  The massacre of  kids is waaaaaay more interesting.  Sicko.
Beyond Re-animator (2003)

ZOMBIE PENIS, FUN WITH ZOMBIES

 Technically the third in the Re-animator series, this film is surprisingly entertaining.  More of a comedy than a horror, we have everything from rat-eating to the CREATION OF A ZOMBIE PENIS.  How do you create such an abomination?  You BITE IT OFF a zombie.   And now you know.
Blood Dolls (1999)

KILLER DOLLS (obviously) AND FAR TOO MUCH MORE THAN ANY ROMANCE SHOULD HAVE

  If you order today, your copy of Blood Dolls will include:  A murderous clown/butler/priest, a girl band in a cage that plays music when a pirate midget electrocutes them, a mad scientist with an apple-size head, an evil doll dressed as a pimp, death by dominatrix and so much more.  And this film is a romance too!  A FRICKIN' ROMANCE!  I would be the mother of this film's children if I could.  (The previous statement is an example of liking a film FAR too much.)
Blood Freak (1972)

TURKEY MONSTER

  Cheesy does not begin to describe the pain.  A man working on a poultry farm eats some experimental turkey meat that transforms him into a TURKEY-HEADED FREAK (with authentic turkey gobble noises). Of course the Turkey-man's drug addiction is what really forces him to kill. While the film focuses more on the "don't do drugs" theme, I can't stop thinking it should have focused on the more obvious "don't eat mutant turkey meat that mutates you into a giant mutant turkey" theme.
Blood Hook (1986)

DEATH BY MAD FISHIN' SKILLZ!

Lots of films have crazy fishermen killing people.  Very few films literally have said crazy fisherman killing people with a GIANT FISH HOOK that he casts at them.  The plot revolves around said crazy old guy and how the metal plate in his head makes him kill whenever someone plays the radio.  It's directed by the producer of Mystery Science Theater so you know it's something special.
Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh (1991)

KILLED WITH VACUUM CLEANER AND MORE, ANTI-SMOKING SADISM, MIDGETS+BUTTER+OBESE WOMAN, STRIPPER NINJAS

 Despite the title, there happens to be no bloodsucking nor any Pharaohs in this film.  So that just leaves Pittsburgh.  Woo-frickin-hoo.  Cutting off parts of prostitutes seems to be the secret of Egyptian immortality, particularly if they are removed with a JACKHAMMER.  We are also graced with a "stop smoking" subplot.  Stage 1:  If you smoke GORILLAS WITH FIRE HOSES attack you.  Stage 2:  If you smoke, a large black man will punch you in the face.  Oh and don't blink.  You might miss one of the hundred brain scrambling images, such as a sex den of an obese woman being covered with butter by naked dwarves.  A truly religious experience.  
The Boondock Saints (1999)

DEATH BY FALLING TOILET, RON JEREMY SHOT, CROSS-DRESSING ASSASSIN, BUTT-BURNING, EXPLODING CAT

 I LOVE this movie.  Besides having some weird deaths, its a legitimately good flick.  In the first twenty minutes we have a Russian mobster has his ASS SET ON FIRE and then he's KILLED WITH A TOILET thrown from our heroes' balcony.  Not to let us down, the movie delivers a VERY GREASY AND DEAD RON JEREMY as well as Willem Dafoe as a cross-dressing FBI vigilante.  Oh, and enjoy the exploding cat.  
The Brain (1988)

SWALLOWED BY GIANT BRAIN (duh.)

Scientists raise a mind-controlling alien brain by running a self-help television show.  "The Brain" grows in size as its audience grows until, much to no one's surprise, its decides it needs to eat half the cast to survive.  Yep. MAN-EATING BRAIN.  This film is stalwart in its refusal to show anything interesting besides, well, a man-eating brain.  sigh.
Bubba Ho-tep (2002)

ELVIS VERSUS A BUTT-SUCKING MUMMY

  In this far too funny movie (from the director of ALL the Phantasm and both Beastmaster movies), Bruce Campbell plays an elderly Elvis Presley.  With his trusty sidekick, the black JFK, Elvis fights the forces of old age and evil.  Of course, evil is represented by the classic COWBOY MUMMY THAT SUCKS YOUR SOUL OUT OF YOUR RUMP.  I really liked this film, if only for the chance to write that last sentence and really, really mean it.
Cabin Fever (2002)

HARMONICA CHOKING (WITH SOUNDS), HOT EBOLA SEX, BAD SAMARITAN

  A strange sick man asks a group of teenagers on vacation for help.  Their response?  They shoot him, beat him with blunt instruments, and SET HIM ON FIRE.   Of course he had some horrible Ebola virus that infects them all.  People get eaten by dogs, shot by hillbillies, attacked by deer, BITTEN BY PSYCHOTIC NINJA 9-YEAR OLDS, and ultimately killed.  My only joy however was by listening to the director's commentary on the DVD.  Listening to him talk about the time he was infected with a flesh-eating virus made me very happy.
Castle Freak (1995)

CASTRATED MONSTER, BREAST-EATING, MOM USES HERE BREASTS AS LEVERAGE

A classic Stuart Gordon film staring Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), Castle Freak is the story of, well, a freak in a castle. Clever title right?  Actually this is a great film, and I'll have to give it a full review sometime. In the meantime watch it yourself for these AMAZING THINGS:  Cat-eating, thumb-eating, full frontal castrated junk, breast-eating, and an elderly woman attempting to seduce a scary, scary monster.  To be honest, the "Freak" wouldn't be that scary if he just ran around gnawing people to death (which is what he does).  What's more terrifying is that while he's running around, he's got no pants on, revealing his taint to the world.  I only wish I were joking.
Chinese Odyssey - Complete (1994)

MULTIPLE CROTCH BURNING/STOMPING, INTERNAL ORGAN PUNCHING, PEACOCK MAN WITH LASER, MAGIC IMPREGNATION, ORIENTAL MADNESS...

This amazingly good (and long) Chinese epic is both mythical and over the top, hence its place on the list.  Where else can we see a Spider Woman shrink down and fly inside her opponent's body to attack his internal organs?  Have you seen a Peacock-man shoot lasers at the Monkey King?  Or a man have the fire on his CROTCH STOMPED out no less than three times?  Personally, I think most films need at least one crotch stomping.  Three just makes me feel spoiled.
Chopping Mall/Killbots(1986)

RENT-A-ROBOCOP

  Mall security at its finest.  I'll prove it.

Click here to BE AMAZED!

Chopper Chicks in Zombietown/Cycle Sluts (1989)

CROTCH-EATING ZOMBIE, CAR WINDOW DECAPITATION

Who can forget this moment:  You're being attacked by the undead.  What do you do?  Try emotionally petitioning your friend, who must, somehow, still be herself beneath that rotting zombie flesh. You are saved when she EATS ANOTHER ZOMBIE'S CROTCH.  Lest not we forget Don Calfa's untimely demise when the window control on his Buick malfunctions and causes the window to GENTLY CUT OFF HIS HEAD.  Other Non-Fatalities:  a drowned midget who is fine 3 seconds later, Blind Children with a submachine gun, Blind Children sacrificing their caretakers to zombies, and did I mention Billy Bob Thornton?  
C.H.U.D. 2, Bud the Chud (1989)

POODLE EATING, MAILMAN EATEN BY ZOMBIE POODLE, MUCH BRAIN EATING

  Please ignore the fact that this is a sequel.  Its not.  That's like saying Deep Throat was a sequel to Gone with the Wind.  Its about the same thing.  Most notable is the heart-warming scene where 2 young ZOMBIE CHILDREN EAT PARAKEETS.  This zombie comedy is so painful that not even a zombie poodle can save it.  Hell, a zombie poodle could save almost anything.  This film?  A good zombie poodle gone to waste.
Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000)

FETUS WRESTLING, DEAD RON JEREMY, TALKING SEVERED HEAD, DIAPER MAFIA,  CHOKING ON DIAPER, CRUCIFIX STABBING, SPECULUM DOOM, AND MUCH, MUCH MORE. 

HOLY CRAP.  What can I say?  From Ron Jeremy leading the city in prayer to seeing the same damn car wreck again and again I want this movie TATTOOED ONTO MY FACE.  I really can not describe the fun and humor of this movie.  Survive the first ten minutes (staring a class of b-movie actors acting literally like they are retarded) and all will be fine.  Troma, we love you. You know what we want.
Cryptz (2002)

VAMPIRE STRIPPERS, GHETTO KUNG-FU MASTER, A MAN NAMED BUFFALO

Yet another "vampires running a brothel" film (this is why I don't go to brothels, personally).  The twist here is that it's a ghetto/urban film...which means an all-black cast apparently.  A day-walking vamp/hooker with a big chest marks a boy as her victim and he has the inexplicable and supernaturally drawn to a brothel afterwards.  I think it's just that he didn't get any from Ms. Big-breasts so he's gone to get some.  Most amazing in this film is the vamp-whore's servant, a huge 500 pound man named Buffalo, who's so big he can't fold his arms together let alone wipe himself.  That fact alone is intimidating.  So if you're looking for ghetto pole-dancing and a good guy who sprays acid in the face of crackheads, this films for you.
Curse of the Komodo (2004)

GIANT LIZARD TURD, BREASTS ARE WHAT MUTANT LIZARDS CRAVE

This movie is full of "great" moments.  People shoot for a full 5-minutes at the CG giant Komodos, with no reaction what-so-ever.  Their new plan?  "Let's shoot it some more!" They do this until they run out of ammo.  Also great is this dialogue: "How big did you say these things got?" "I don't know, say 15 meters long?" "That can't be right...I found one of there TURDS THAT WAS 25 METERS LONG."  If only the movie had gone that extra mile and actually shown the horrible thing.  Then again, that's just my sick opinion.  Oh and instead of just killing people, the Komodo's saliva turns them into breast-grabbing zombies. Wow.
Cutie Honey (2004)

LOUNGE SINGING DEMON, PONYTAIL KUNG FU,  SUSHI-POWERED SUPERHERO

Yet another live-action anime (of the series of the same name) that makes my brain melt.  It's very stylish and very cartoony (dead-on for a converted anime) which is nice, but still. With 4 moments of "hair based" attacks (my favorite being the "ponytail-spinning-like-a-helicopter escape"), a demon who's back up henchmen compose a string quartet, a heroine who's in her underwear all the time,  and bizarre dominatrix wrestling, you just KNOW it's from Japan.  Japan:  providing bizarre entertainment as a subtle way of retaliating against the us dropping the bomb on them so many years ago.
Dak Bangla (1987)

CROSSDRESSING, MUDWRESTLING, & A MUMMY?

Have you seen an Indian film before?  Not like this.  It's a horror/musical/comedy/sex/true crime film with COMMERCIALS that take place in it.  I'm not talking about the main characters drinking a coke or talking about their new shoes....as in a commercial for a jewelry store in India is placed in the middle of the film.  In fact there are TV-like commercials all through this film..just as there were when it played in theaters.  Can you imagine if they started doing that in most movies?  Gah.  The story's about how a Mummy is in the basement of a house where a musical group of young people are staying.  Of course along the way there are 3 musical numbers, a slow-motion mudwrestling scene, evil bank-robbers, and a drag queen after an Elvis impersonator.  some Indian films are really weird.
The Dark Backward (1991)

ACCORDIONS, FECAL HORROR, MUCH STRANGENESS

A real life conversation I had when explaining the plot of this movie:  Me:  "It's a movie about a filthy accordion-playing garbage-man and a comedian that isn't funny until he grows a third arm on his back."  Her:  "No."   I think this exchange is a good summary of the film.  Oh and here's a quick rundown: OBESE DRUNKEN WHORES who eat shit off Bill Paxton's nipples, corpse-licking, a VALKYRIE WHO PLAYS MIDGETS with a hammer, and three-armed freakishness.   Feel your head cave in as your brain melts.
Dead Alive/ Braindead (1992)

HOT ZOMBIE SEX, EVIL INTESTINES, NINJA PRIEST, ATTACKED BY (your mother's) GIANT ZOMBIE VAGINA, AND SO MUCH MORE!

Just look again at what you can expect to see in this movie.  When you realize that it's also a film from the guy who did Lord of the Rings....your mind explodes.  I can think of no better movie involving a monkey that turns people into zombies who screw each other than this.  No wonder this was one of my favorite films growing up.  Thank you Peter Jackson, you sick bastard you.
Dead Heat (1988)

MURDEROUS MEAT

  Alright.  Let's overlook the fact that the name of our zombie hero is Roger Mortis (no similarity to rigor mortis, I'm sure).  Let's overlook that this film has Vincent Price and Joe Piscopo in it.  Let's focus on the "butcher shop scene."  Here we have Keye Luke (the chinese guy from Gremlins) activating the magic "rejuvenation" machine, thereby transforming all the meat products about him into MURDEROUS ZOMBIE MEAT-MONSTERS.  Our heroes are attacked by:  animated duck heads, flying smothering steaks that crawl around, a dead skinned pig, headless poultry, and a rabid cow corpse.  It's the vegan nightmare incarnate. 
Death Bed (2002)

SATANIC FURNITURE TURNS YOU ON!

I really don't know what do say about this film.  It's a ghost story about an evil possessed bed that makes people want to have passionate rough sex and eventually gets them killed.  I blame my bed for all the bad things I do, personally.  Well, the bad things I do in my bed.  I'll move on.
Death Race 2000 (1975)

SYLVESTER STALLONE VS. FRANKENSTEIN, HIT-AND-RUN HIJINKS

Sylvester Stallone plays "Machine Gun Joe" one of a handful of "themed" racers in this movie.  Other racers include Frankenstein (who has a grenade for a hand?), Matilda the Hun, and Calamity Jane.  They take part in a race where the point is to hit as many people (particularly babies) as possible while they travel across America.  It's a social commentary about violence but there is one thing about this film that's touched all our lives.  You know that joke about how pedestrians are worth 2 points, old people worth 10, and kids worth 100?  The whole "points for hitting people while you're driving" is a joke that originated from this movie.  Btw just because it tickles the crap out of me, there's some odd about watching aging actor David Carradine (Frank) punching out Sylvester Stallone. 
Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993)

KILLER SATANIC TOYS, BABY DOLL RAPIST

The heart-warming story of an 8-inch tall alien known as Brick Bardo (from the movie Dollman) who must save his shrunken earthling girlfriend Ginger (from the movie Bad Channels) from SATAN-WORSHIPPING TOYS led by the evil Baby Oopsy-Daisy (from the movie Demonic Toys).  Holy frickin' crap.  This film is a sequel for three terrible movies?  The only film to have an attempted rape scene with a baby doll that wets itself. 
Dolls (1987)

GIANT RABID TEDDY BEAR, KILLER SATANIC TOYS (again), SHOT BY TOY SOLDIERS

Stuart Gordon blesses us with this AMAZING movie about the ills of being stranded in the middle of nowhere.  Instead of inbred Hillbillies, the cast is saved by Satanic Dollmakers.  Besides having a TEDDY BEAR FROTHING AT THE MOUTH, this movie has very very violent dolls.  Watch a Cyndi Lauper look-alike picked up by dolls and thrown face-first into the camera..  Oh and remember: never, ever grow up.  Or the killer toys won't spare your lives.    
Dominion Tank Police (1988)

GIANT TANK-DESTROYING INFLATING DILDOS, TERRORIST STRIPPERS

This anime is one of those post-plague future deals where hardcore police action is run by officers in tanks that run around the city.  Their enemies, STRIPPING TERRORIST CAT-GIRLS are chased by the "Tank Police" after stealing pure UR-INE from a lab.  Yep. Naked big-breasted girls with tails stealing urine.  Their tank defense?  They throw INFLATING PASTEL  DILDOS behind them, called, get this, ERECT-A-COCKIES.  Holy sweet mother of God, I love the Japanese.
Don't Look Now (1973)

ELDERLY MIDGET WITH A KNIFE

I want you to know that I've just ruined the film for you.   Full of dead-end plot threads that are more of an excuse to show footage of Venice, nothing happens until almost 2 hours into the movie.  Somewhere in there is a far too long sex scene with Donald Sutherland.  This repeats until Donald gets stabbed by a SCARY MIDGET DRESSED AS HIS DEAD DAUGHTER in the last 30 seconds of the film.  One of the most accurately titled films ever.  
Dracula: Pages of a Virgin's Diary (2002)

DRACULA: THE BALLET

  While I think just restating "DRACULA THE BALLET" should be sufficient to illuminate the pain here, I'll go a bit further.  Wait. I will do no such thing.  The horror of Dracula: the Ballet is the fact that it is Dracula:  the ballet.  One weird research observation:  The director of this film also directed "Sissy Boy Slap Party."  Wow.
Dreamcatcher (2003)

STEPHEN KING'S ALIEN BUTT-WORMS

Wow.  Stephen King writes a book about alien worms that burrow out of your butt, known officially as "shit-weasels" in the film, and you get to watch.  There's also a retarded alien who grants magic powers and quotes Scooby Doo a lot.  In an interview on the DVD, Stephen King defends his creative decision to write about butt-weasels that come out of your rear while you're on the toilet. I paraphrase:  "Alfred Hitchcock's film had such an impact on us that we'd think of it whenever we're in the shower.  What Psycho was to the shower, I think Dreamcatcher will be to the toilet."  Wow.  Stephen King:  The Alfred Hitchcock of the Toilet....if alien anus worms are involved.  Wow.
Evil Dead (1981)

EVIL RAPIST TREES

  There are lots of great things in the original Evil Dead.  From Bruce Campbell to zombies to animated demonic desk lamps to the joy of watching footage of people literally being chased by the camera, I'm guessing that most people have seen this movie.  Still, it would be a crime to not mention the amazing "WOMAN RAPED BY TREES" scene.  Yay!
Evil Ed (1997)

HEAD-BANGED TO DEATH, BEAVER-RAPE?

Have you ever had to rock-out so hard your head exploded?  Then you'd probably understand what's going on in this film.  Editor "Eddie" Tor Swenson (Oh My GOD isn't the name clever) is the guy in charge of editing out all the gore from terrible movies.  After watching a scene where a woman is raped by a beaver, he goes crazy and start killing people.  More or less.  I hate to disappoint you, but they do NOT show the footage of said beaver-rape.  I feel like a better human being because of that.
Evil Toons (1992)

FAR TOO MUCH SATANIC SMUT

  When determining what exactly was the twisted highlight from the film, I came up a bit short.  It's like a low-budget Roger Rabbit....only not.  But here's the plot:  A trio of young stripper housekeepers take residence in an old mansion that houses a book of (cartoon) demons.  A better title for this film would have been Evil Possessed Whore, as that is precisely what goes on to eat most of the cast.  One of the few horror films that shames me for being male.
Evilspeak (1981)

PIGS OF SATAN

  Though a better title would be Evilsqueal, this film was supposed to be about a geek talking to the Devil through a computer. We quickly find out that the devil is hyper-focused on swine.  Giant pigs end up eating everyone in the film.  On a side note, I still can't stop laughing every time I see the computer say:  Data Incomplete:  Human Blood Required.  My screensaver now says the same damn thing.
Faust: Love of the Damned (2001)

GIANT BREAST MONSTER, SATANIC TRACTOR BEAM

  One of the best films about love ever made...with a Breast Monster. 

Click here to read all about it.

Feardotcom (2002)

STUPID WEB ADDRESS

Let's ignore the fact that this film's plot, that anyone who logs on to a certain website dies in 48 hours, is derivative of The Ring or even Horrorvision.  When they shot this movie, they expected to be able to purchase the rights to Fear.com.  As such all the characters refer to it as such.  Except they couldn't get the rights because Fear.com is a psychological website about fear.  So what's the web address they actually use and show when they show the site?  Feardotcom.com.  How freaking retarded is that?  I'm going to start my own website entitled disneydotcom.com or even farkdotcom.com.  Of course I'd have to call it farkdotcomdotcom, because that's the genius of this movie.  Gah.
The Flesh Eaters (1964)

GIANT NAZI SHRIMP EATS HIPPIES AND JEWS

  Few films are willing to show Nazi experiments involving electric shrimp and death-camp prisoners.  Few films should.  Yet, the lesson learned with this film is that if you're ever attacked by flesh-eating giant shrimp, you should ATTACK THEM WITH YOUR BLOOD.  Personally, I always try bleeding on my attacker, just in case.
Flesh Gordon (1974)

SEX BEAMS, PHALLIC DINOSAURS, RAPIST ROBOTS, AND SO MUCH MORE

  A film like a bad dream.  This Flash Gordon spoof has everything you would ever need:  Emperor Wang, warrior robots with GIANT HYDRAULIC GENITALIA, naked cheerleaders, and other soft-core sexual hi-jinks.  Well, I'm not sure if you really NEED those things...but this film will indeed supply those things.  I guess I do. 
Frankenhooker (1990)

EXPLODING HOOKERS, ELECTROCUTION BY ZOMBIE CROTCH

  James Lorinz as Doctor Franken creates a new drug that he calls SUPER-CRACK to kill the crack-addicted prostitutes who possess the body parts that he needs to revive his true love.  The drug causes HOOKERS TO EXPLODE.  His creation escapes, and the "frankenhooker" finds a client, killing him with her ZOMBIFIED ELECTRIC CROTCH.  Neat.
Ghoulies 2 (1987)

KILLED RECTUM FIRST (ON TOILET), SCARED INTO BARREL OF ACID

In the first five minutes of the movie we have MIDGETS IN KLANSMAN robes chasing a random stranger who is subsequently startled into "falling" into a BARREL OF ACID that exists for no other reason than for this man to fall into.  Much more memorable is a man going to the bathroom only to have a small sharp-toothed monster ATTACK HIM FROM INSIDE THE TOILET.  When I die, please, oh please, let it NOT be this way. 
Godzilla Versus Biollante (1989)

GODZILLA FIGHTS A GIANT FLOWER

Ok, I'm a fan of Godzilla.  That doesn't change the fact that the monster in this movie is a giant mutant rose.  The studio had a contest for people to design their own monster for Godzilla to fight...a dentist is Japan won with his "Killer Rose" concept.  God, I'd hate to know what the losers suggested.
Habitat (1997)

THE WORST/BEST DIALOGUE IN HISTORY, KILLED BY POLLEN, EVIL GYM COACH OF THE FUTURE!

  "I swim with the plankton and I frolic with the sperm."  Read that again.  That's the "monster" of this film talking.  He's become a "force of nature" and he wants you to know that he swims "with the plankton and frolics with the sperm." He's created a house filled with plants that's pollen gets other people stoned and horny.  Oh and he EATS MEN'S CLOTHING.   Did I mention he likes to swim and frolic with the sperm?
Halloween 3 (1982)

THE PLOT OF DOOM

The third movie in the Halloween series is often referred to as the "red-headed stepchild" of the horror genre.  Not only does it have nothing to do with the first few movies, it's plot is spectacular.  An evil druid-run fake vomit company uses its fortune to steal Stonehenge and manufacture magic Halloween masks that kill children when they watch television.  Oh, and the company uses robots made of German watch parts to do its bidding.  Take a moment and re-read the last two sentences, just to make sure you understand.  Too random to miss, yet this film sucks too much to enjoy.  Thank you, Cable Television.
The High Crusade (1994)

ALIENS VS. KING ARTHUR'S MEN

I don't really know what to say about this one.  It's sort of Monty Python-like but well, it's about a bunch of ignorant medieval knights with swords fighting aliens with lasers.  Filthy serfs fighting aliens.  What the hell.
Highlander 2 (1991)

FLYING PORCUPINE NINJAS OF THE FUTURE (WITH LASERS), SUBWAY OF DOOM

  I rented this film to see why so much hate was spewed at it.  Of course all the people that I know that hated it are S.C.A. role-players who've named their children after Celtic ancestors they don't have.  Still, no "real" film would have Celtic Aliens or  giggling porcupine men with lasers.  Evil Michael Ironside steals control of a subway car and speeds it to over 500 miles an hour.  Now, I take public transportation all the time.  What the hell would the city be prepared for if they fit all their trains for sub-sonic speeds? 
Howard the Duck (1986)

FULL FRONTAL DUCK BOOBS

George Lucas uses his special effects wisdom to bring us a midget in a duck costume.  A man-duck named Howard gets sucked via a magical "space magnet" that brings him to earth.  "There's a giant alien involved and a weird girl-on-duck bestiality subplot in there somewhere, but really not whole lot else.  While Howard is being sucked though (the sentence is already terrible out of context), he's pulled through a bathroom wall and we get to see a anthropomorphic duck woman shaking her goodies at the camera.  Furries everywhere should rejoice in George Lucas going the extra mile to create duck boob.  Gah.
Hulk (2003)

GIANT MUTANT POODLE

  I could say so much.  In fact, I already have.

Click here to read why this film burns going down.

Invasion for Flesh and Blood (1996)

MULTIPLE CROTCH MUTILATIONS,  MANY REDNECKS KILLED

   I'll be different:  Here's a plot summary.  Monsters come to Jersey to eat all humans.  Man drops A-bomb on monsters.  Tubby Psychic woman survives blast and is turned into a robot Mexican Wrestler to fight the alien invasion.  Believe it or not, the film is worse than these mere words can convey. The director's GENITAL MUTILATION FETISH doesn't help the film either.  Personally, I would have stopped after 5 men lose their junk, but this film?  It goes that extra mile.  Lucky frickin' me.
Jack Frost (1997)

SNOWMAN DOES ALL SORTS OF CRAP!

While few things in this movie are really new or cool unto themselves, some almost mundane murder methods take on a new novelty when they're done by a HOMICIDAL SNOWMAN.  Jack Frost, voiced by Scott MacDonald, goes on a rampage where he:  STABS PEOPLE WITH ICE, FILLS A MANS ORIFICES WITH SNOW, RAPES A GIRL WITH HIS CARROT NOSE (oh my god), and DRIVES OVER A POLICE OFFICER with a car.  Not to be confused with the Micheal Keaton film of the same name.  
Killer Condom (1996)

KILLER CONDOMS (duh.)

 

Yes, this is a movie about killer condoms.  Yes the main location of this film is a brothel.  The weirdest thing?  I would almost classify this as a "good" movie.  Not good as in "OMG it's so terrible that it rocks" but good as in honestly entertaining and engaging.  Of course that doesn't mean much, because it's a movie about KILLER CONDOMS (with teeth).  They even breed an especially large one for the gay detective with a big penis that is the main character.  Though it goes without saying, I should point out that this is a French film.  I can believe I just endorsed a French movie about killer contraception.  What the hell is wrong with me?
Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

SCARY SCARY SCARY BLOOD-SUCKING CLOWNS KILL WITH CIRCUS HIJINKS!

One of the scariest films for all the wrong reasons, this film has more frightening clowns in it that anything I've seen so far.  Traumatizing me as a child, this film has evil alien clowns eating and capturing an entire town in a variety of "goofy" ways.  These include:  SHADOW PUPPETS, POPCORN GUNS, AND FAR TOO MUCH WEIRDNESS. Words fail to describe here more than ever....suffice to say if you haven't seen this film, there is something lacking in your life.
Killer Nun (1978)

MORPHINE-ADDICTED HOMICIDAL HORNY PSYCHO NUN!

  Yeah.  Just read the highlights to the left and think about it.  Look no further for a slow-moving film about a morphine-using psychotic nun.  What can I say?  This is what the film Sister Act should have been.
The Killer Tongue/La Lengua asesina (1996)

EATEN BY ALIEN TONGUE, ORGASM METEOR EXPLOSION

Robert Englund stars in this unique story about an alien tongue that infects a woman hiding out in Mexico.  Her new MONSTROUS 12-FOOT TONGUE demands flesh.  Of course the meteor that brought the alien also a) turned the woman's poodles in to cross-dressing men, and b) causes men to get ERECTIONS UNTIL THEY EXPLODE.  I never, ever thought I would have a reason to type that particular phrase.  
Killjoy 2:  Deliverance from Evil (2002)

GNAWED BY VOODOO CLOWN TEETH ON TOILET, KILLER VOODOO CLOWN

Note that I do indeed say "gnawed to death by clown teeth."  Killjoy is a Voodoo spirit CLOWN played by Trent Haaga.  There are two movies here:  One, the larger part,  is where a group of (very mature or held back a lot) juvenile delinquents  are lost in the woods and need to survive.  In the other film, a voodoo frickin' clown dances around a woman in an outhouse until he, in all his wickedness, takes out his teeth, revealing them to be a VERY SHARP CHATTERING TEETH that proceed to eat our poor girl mid-dump.  After wards we are delighted with a full ten minutes of nothing but an evil clown talking baby talk to a novelty item (said chattering teeth).  
Kolobos (1999)

WASHING MACHINE THAT SPITS RAZOR BLADES, SUBLIMINAL IMAGERY, POOL STICK THROUGH SKULL, FACE PEELING

A horror story based on "The Real World" on MTV, this movie is just plain strange.  Imagine the cast of The Real World trapped in a house with someone who only hired them to kill them.  Oh and the kitchen has appliances that shoot RAZOR BLADES.  Of course the psycho PEELS THE SKIN OFF HIS FACE, just to prove he's that kind of psycho.  Don't forget the ORANGUTAN PHALLUS hidden between two frames of the film during the "disco" scene.  I'm kidding, sort of.  Sort of.
Komodo (1999)

THE WORST THERAPIST EVER, DROOL OF DOOM

A boy it traumatized when he sees his family killed by random Komodo Dragons with poisonous saliva that appear on their island.  Years later, the boy is in an asylum and his therapist has the brilliant idea that they should go back to the island so that the boy can "work through his problems".  Freaking genius, right?  The therapist finds out the Dragons are real just a few seconds after they start eating everyone in site.  If you ever go to a shrink, make sure you try your best to avoid "Giant Killer Lizards That Eat You" therapy as best you can.  God knows I will.
The Lamp/The Outing (1986)

DEATH BY CEILING FAN, RAPIST GOONS KILLED BY THEIR HEADGEAR(?)

   Basically a soap opera about a bunch of kids who spend the night in a museum and are killed off by a magical genie.  Magical genie can really do anything it wants, so the director sort-of throws whatever special effect he can at you.  These range from tightening the straps on a rapist's mask until his HEAD EXPLODES to killing an opera-singing security guard with a Zulu spear to "magical fog" that eats actors.   Oh yeah, I almost forgot the moral:  Don't get naked in a TAXIDERMY DRAINAGE TANK.  
Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)

ZOMBIE FLY-GIRLS, HAIR-PICK TO JUGULAR, WARWICK DAVIS RAPS

Warwick Davis stars as the "Leprechaun" in this urban revamp of the series.  Warwick learns da' funk not only by being an EVIL RAPPING LEPRECHAUN but also by hypnotizing erotic dancers to be his "SWEET GOLDEN HONEYS."  More the story of a hard-working rap group trying to make it big, the best part of this film is when Anthony Montgomery explains his rapper name.  "I'm Postmaster P, because I deliver a Positive message."  Also valuable for seeing Coolio strung out in a church and Ice-T pulling weapons out of his afro.  Amen.
Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)

TESTICULAR EXPLOSIVE LEPRECHAUN, BOOBS = DEATH CURSE, CYBORG MAN-SPIDER, GIANT LEPRECHAUN (?)

The title alone should warn you that something weird this way comes.  This time the Leprechaun's kidnapped a space princess and gets blown up by space marines (in space).  One marine pees on the Warwick Davis' (the Leprechaun's) corpse which infects him with what we'll call the "Leprechaun Venereal Disease".  Later, when he's trying to get his groove on, his lady friend screams in horror as a full grown Leprechaun bloodily and explosively jumps out of his crotch.  Later the space princess I mentioned earlier dooms the crew with a curse by showing her breasts to them.  Apparently that's the mark of death on their planet.  Personally I think it was just an excuse to get a breast shot into the film, but hey, that's just me.  Did I mention that Warwick Davis leaps out of a guy's testicles? Seeing that is enough to shake anyone's faith in a kind and just creator.  :shudder:
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998)

BEATEN TO DEATH WITH MONSTROUS LEATHER DILDO

Yeah, it only happens in a flashback, but for the love of god its the best use of slow motion photography I will ever see.  The image of a HUGE LEATHER DILDO slowly flipping about before being brought down on some poor guy is one that will be burned into my retinas forever. 
Malpertuis (1971)

HOW TO HAVE SEX WITH A GORGON AND OTHER GREEK GODS?

   I feel bad putting this film on the list.  After all, it has Orson Welles in it.  Still, that's no excuse for a film that makes no sense until the last five minutes, when you learn that every member of the cast has been a Greek god the entire time.  As in the Gorgon (goddess of Love?), pulls off the cast's rubber faces revealing  statues dedicated to the old Greek gods.  There's also a crazy taxidermist and Orson Welles' evil plan to breed a master race of Demigods.  I never knew Orson had such twisted, stupid plans. 
Man-Thing (2005)

AUSTRALIANS PRETEND TO BE AMERICANS, HOT TENTACLE ACTION

One stupid thing ruined this movie for me.  The entire film is suppose to take place in the American South and the entire cast consists of people with the most obvious Australian accents in the world.  It wouldn't be that bad if they didn't stress the fact that this was supposed to be America....but just imagine an Australian guy saying "I'm not breaking any American laws."  Of course you're not, because you're in the wrong continent and it's obvious.  (There's also the fact that there are crocodiles instead of alligators in this film, but hey I'm sure not too many other  people watch the Discovery Channel enough to know the difference.)  The Man-Thing monster is actually kind of cool except that it kills people by violating them with it's many tentacles.  If it hasn't been done already, this film proves that someone in Japan could make the scariest live-action tentacle rape porn ever.  :shudder:
Matango: Fungus of Terror/ Curse of the Mushroom People (1963)

GIANT MUSHROOM MEN THAT WANT TO GET YOU HIGH

  Read the highlight to the left again and keep this in mind:  This film is not a comedy.  For the love of Christ, I loved this movie in such a way that should be unhealthy.  More of a drama than a horror, one really can't overlook the mutant mushroom people that occasionally roam onto the screen.  Find the Full Review HERE.
Meet the Feebles (1989)

MOTHER OF GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT PUPPET DOING NOW?

  This is Peter Jackson's puppet movie.  Blame him.  Watch puppet animals:  have sex, eat crap (literally), get infected with bubonic super-AIDS, film pornography (nasal penetration), sexually molest one another, sing the SODOMY song, puke all over the place, and far too much else.  It's still funny, but very, very sick.  Obviously a great choice for a date. 
Microwave Massacre (1983)

MAYONNAISE FETISH, HOOKERS MAKE GOOD EATIN'

A terrible sex comedy, Microwave Massacre has the flaw of being a sex comedy revolving around a fat italian guy who has sex with everyone before he eats them.  There's more to this amazing film, but really, you should read about it by clicking HERE.
The Milipitas Monster (1975)

GIANT GARBAGE-EATING MUTANT BUTTERFLY

Oh no! Something in the Californian town of Milipitas is eating all the garage!  It's kind of an environmental-awareness film, as the monster is only lured by things smelling bad (like garbage).  To trap it, the authorities dress up like garbage cans and use a foul-smelling homeless wino as bait.  Yeah, so it's a homeless guy being used as a lure for a giant Butterfly monster.  Wow.
Mom and Dad Save the World (1992)

KILLER MUSHROOMS, KATHY IRELAND SEDUCES WITH SAID MUSHROOMS, MUTANT GOLDFISH AND MUTANT BULLDOGS IN LOVE

 Through most of this film, you sit back and watch Jon Lovitz act like a complete idiot while surrounded by mutant goldfish, bulldogs, and weird Wizard of Oz rejects.  This isn't that bad, it's not good, but not boring.  Then, like a ninja, Kathy Ireland shows up to offer our hero a giant mushroom before taking off all her clothes.  I've had so many drug trips where various super models show up to provide me with hallucinogenics that I don't know how to deal with it in a movie.  Then again, this film is nothing but a bizarre acid trip though the world of PG-rated madness.
Monster Man (2003)

EVIL SATANIC ZOMBIE MONSTER TRUCK WITCH ACTION, ROADKILL MAKE-OUT SESSION, PENCIL-FIGHTING, YODA-SEX

  Far too much is gong on here.  The general synopsis:  A couple of goofy guys go on a long trip and end up 1) getting attacked by a giant monster truck, 2)  getting attacked by a deformed psycho, his witch sister, and his zombie brother, 3) giving ORAL SEX TO A DEAD CAT, and 4) defending themselves with pencil and pencil sharpener.  For geek fantasies:  take note of the the best Star Wars themed sex scene.  How many women are willing to do a Yoda impression during sex?  Sweet Jesus.
Monstrurd (2003)

A POO MONSTER.  I repeat:  A GIANT POO MONSTER AS IN A MONSTER MADE OF LIVING CRAP (literally)

A serial killer gets some toxic goo on him and turns into a giant poo monster (or "Fecal Humanoid" to quote the film). There's your plot.  I wish It were more complicated, but along the way you have:  a junkie ventriloquist doll, the longest vomit scene ever (23 different "vomit" takes one after the other for the longest minute of cinematic history), Mr. Spanky-the Easter Poo that give out chocolate "eggs", fishing for homeless people, grown men in armor made out of diapers (to fight the poo monster), and, just to reiterate, a talking monster made out of fecal matter.  This movie is amazing...if you define the word amazing as something so awful you can't take your eyes off it and have to share with others so that they, too, may know pain. All in all, Monsturd is an awesome film that makes you want to join a new, yet unheard of, religion where man lives without toilets.
Mom (1990)

ELDERLY MOTHER EATS PROSTITUTES, BABY EATING

  I watched this film with my own mother for the holiday.  "Mom, if you ever turn into a flesh-eating monster I'll take care of you too."    A touching tale of a son's love for his mother.  His HOOKER-EATING MOTHER. Oh, and my own mother is not talking to me anymore.  Maybe she doesn't understand the subtle nuances of emotion hidden within this deeply heart-felt drama.  Or the baby-eating made her sick.  Who can tell?
Monkey Shines (1988)

QUADRIPLEGIC KILLS MONKEY BY GNAWING HIM TO DEATH

Monkey Shine is about a quadriplegic and his helper monkey who has psychic powers and likes to kill people.  From George Romero, this film is worthy only for the sheer joy of watching a man try to strangle a monkey puppet with his mouth.
Mystics in Bali (1981)

WOMB-EATING FLYING SEVERED HEAD

A girl travels to Bali to study the evil magic known as Leyak.  A Leyak witch takes control of the girl, forcing her head to separate from her body (dragging noticably her lungs & stomach with it) and go eat babies.  That said there's some other types of evil magic, but nothing quite beats this Indonesian film's obsession with floating heads & crotch-mounted magic tattoos.
The Navy vs. the Night Monsters (1966)

KILLER ACID-SPEWING TREES

  This film is on the list for two reasons:  1.  The title.  How could I NOT rent this film?  2.  The monsters:  CARNIVOROUS, NOCTURNAL, ACID-BLOODED, WALKING TREES FROM ANTARCTICA.  Yup.  They eat penguins and about an hour and half of my time. 
Necromantik (1987)

CORPSE-LOVING,  ROMANTIC HEAD-TOSSING

Lets start off by saying:  "I don't care if the film is deep in metaphoric spirituality."  It wouldn't be on this list if it wasn't a little "off."  That said, this film is all about NECROPHILIA, with corpse threesomes and cadaverous oral sex.  Possibly the only film to have a romantic couple running through a field of flowers playfully TOSSING A HEAD BACK AND FORTH, laughing.  Boy meets girl.  Boy meets corpse.  Girl leaves boy for wild corpse sex.  Boy kills himself,  girl digs him up to have more wild corpse sex.  Sweet Jesus.
Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2: In Shocking 2-D (1991)

LONGEST MOVIE TITLE EVER

Seriously.  If you ever get asked the trivia question "What is the movie with the longest title" THIS is the correct answer.  The movie is just a "comedic" redubbing of George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" filled with fart jokes and other such charming things.  It's pretty funny if you don't mind eating paint chips and licking electrical sockets.  It's just that much fun. 
Night of the Lepus (1972)

GIANT BLOOD-THIRSTY BUNNIES

Take 1 model town a la Godzilla.  Take 12 or so rabbits from the pet store.  Put red food coloring and Alka-Seltzer on the rabbits' mouths.  Release your pack of blood-thirsty/rabid "Giant Killer Bunnies" in your model town for absolute horror.  Anything can be scary if you have this many close-ups.  Hell, even Angelina "I've got a big sexy butt on my face" Jolie is frightening if you sit in the front row of the theatre.  Especially with that freaky lower lip of hers.  Oh and Rabbit movie suck. Happy?  (Click Here for the Review)
Nightmare Sisters (1987)

ORAL SEX=DEATH, EXPLOSIVE GENITALIA

  3 sorority girls (the nerd, the fat one, and the tone-deaf?) get possessed by the evil spirit of a Succubus.  Like there's a plot.  Basically about twenty minutes into the film the girls are evil and naked and only crave to perform fellatio.  There's a 10 minute scene where the girl's bathe each other and well, not much else.  Besides having the classic line "I'm sure glad you had that Swiss-Army knife in you boxers" in it, this film has a lot of COCKS EXPLODING.  Oh, didn't I tell you?  When a demon-girl goes down, men's junk starts venting steam to warn of the explosion soon to come.  Such a classy, class film.
Orca (1977)

SHAMU EATS PEOPLE, ORCA ABORTION

In what could only be called a Jaws rip-off, we have a killer whale (like Shamu) who has vengeance on some fishermen who kill his mate.  In the process of killing the whale, the fishermen also cause a giant orca FETUS to flop around on their boat.  Cripes.  Basically we learn that Orcas are a lot like us, and will eat our WIFE'S LEGS if we ever mess with their family.  Or something like that. 
Parents (1989)

CANNIBAL PARENTS, STRANGLED BY SAUSAGES

 One of the best films about the 1950's.  No, the other 1950's.  You know, the one when your parents fed you fresh bodies from the morgue.  Ah, the joy of nostalgia.
Pet Shop of Horror (2000)

KILLER (magical) BUNNIES?

Yep. Not one but TWO killer rabbit movies on the list right now.  To be honest, this anime is gorgeous.  Unfortunately, this anime is also really, really weird.  Two parents go to a magical pet shop after their daughter dies to buy a MAGICAL BUNNY THAT LOOKS LIKE THEIR DAUGHTER...things go wrong and the rabbit reproduces, murdering those around her/it.  Other highlights include a man who has sex with a fish and the implied romance between a L.A. cop and a very lusty and feminine man.  Repeat:  God bless the Japanese.  
Pirhana Part Two: The Spawning (1981)

KILLER FLYING FISH (puppets)

  Brought to you by James Cameron, the director of THE TERMINATOR, ALIENS, and TITANIC, this film is about mutant pirhanas with wings, and their love for eating human beings.  You know...I would think that flying fish of doom would only eat me if I was outside.  Apparently, these bad boys will hover outside your window until you open it.  The fish are just about Ed Wood quality, string and all.  God, I want to nuke this film from orbit. 
Pit & the Pendulum (1990)

EXPLODING WITCH, BONE SHRAPNEL

Frances Bay as Esmeralda eats GUNPOWDER as she is on her way to burned as a witch.  Not only on the list for having an EXPLODING WITCH, the resulting explosion kills a dozen or so peasants as SHRAPNEL FROM HER BONES sprays through the crowd. 
Please Don't Eat the Babies (1983)

GIANT SATANIC COCKROACHES, A CANNIBAL DWARF, SCARY SHORT SHORTS

  The scariest thing in this entire film is the wardrobe.  4 girls and 2 guys end up getting stranded on an island inhabited by giant cockroaches that work for Satan, a cannibal dwarf that shows up for no reason at all, various zombies, a doorway to hell (with Demon) and a family of in-bred hillbillies.  How is the wardrobe scarier than all these put together?  Really short shorts.   Oh and see the title?  Isn't it just wonderful that there are NO BABIES in this film?  Still, after looking at the list of strange things in this movie, you have to admit they tried.  I still want to see eaten babies.  Anyone with suggestions?
Re-Animator (1985)

STRANGLED BY INTERNAL ORGANS, DEATH FOR PLAGIARISM, SEVERED HEAD MOLESTATION

  The original of the series this film has so much zombie fun it should be illegal.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that if a severed head was ever forced sexually on a restrained girl that charges would probably be brought up.  Enjoy the film for what it is:  Jeffery Combs and David Gale at their best.  That doesn't mean anything to you?  Skip to the third in the series for the Zombie Penis.  If you need that kind of thing.
Rei Rei:  Missionary of Love (1993)

MAGICAL SEX CHANGE, CROTCH-DIVING GHOST, BREAST THERAPY

Sweet mother of God, when I rented this, no one warned me it was a Hentai (which roughly translates to "HAPPY HAPPY FUN FUN MEGA-INSANO PORNO").  The story is about a fairy of love who pretty much uses here big breasts and magical powers to help shy virgins get the girls.   Of course one of the girls was murdered by her lesbian lover, so she turns the boy into a girl to get back at the lesbian who killed his love (don't ask).   The boy ends up loving it but not enough to not bring his girl back to life (and then getting his penis back, thankfully).  The girl, by the way, appears as a ghost and dives into her murderer's vagina at one point.  Japan:  We get it.  You're weird.  You can stop now.  Seriously.  I'm not even going to go into the 2nd part of this one, where we get a Super Mario Brothers Tentacle rape scene.  God damn it Japan, WHY?!?
The Refrigerator (1991)

FRIDGE EJACULATION, HISPANIC-EATING APPLIANCE

A satanic fridge takes over a young couples life, and creams all over them while they make love.  For more charming details, take a look at the review by clicking HERE.
Robot Ninja (1990)

DIRTY SANCHEZ-THE FEMALE RAPIST (WHAT?),  COMIC BOOK DELUSTIONS

  Look at the title.  Ninjas are cool.  Robots are cool.  A robot ninja should be the trump card of coolness.  Sadly, with characters named Marty Coleslaw and Dirty  Sanchez (the female rapist...Gody Sanchez according to the credits) this film was more than disappointing.  Though I do wonder if the director knew what a Dirty Sanchez was while making the film.  Anyway:  A comic artist dresses up like a superhero and, well, gets beat up a lot.  He kills himself after illustrating his own suicide.    Oh, and a child dies by being pushed on the ground gently.  I'll have to remember that about kids.
The Running Man (1987)

CHAINSAW TO THE CROTCH, ICE SKATING ASSASSIN, OPERA SINGING DOOM

  Arnold "I'm the Governor now" Schwarzenegger must survive a game show aimed at killing him.  Various "themed" assassins come after him, all variations of novelty male strip-o-grams.  My favorite being Dynamo:  The Opera-singing fat man in an electric Lite-Brite suit and a DIAPER.  I mean what the hell?  Sub-zero the killer in ice skates is a close second for such lameness.  Dynamo I love you, but whenever you appear on screen a little part of me dies.
Sars Wars (2005)

TRANNY MADNESS, ZOMBIE CAT ASS, CAT-EATING, KUNG-FU SEX, STRIPPER SCIENTIST, ZOMBIE BABY

The best way to summarize this movie is as follows:  Remember that episode of South Park where everyone was turning into zombies and they kept calling it Pinkeye?  Same plot except it's Sars instead of Pinkeye.  This movie's a zombie comedy kung-fu action film where you get everything to magic stripping technology to THE CUTEST ZOMBIE BABY YOU'VE EVER SEEN.  Seriously, it takes a special kind of film to make killer undead babies who gnaw off their own umbilical cord "cute". 
Scary Movie 3

HULK KILLS ALIENS WITH HIS ANUS!

If you ever wanted to see the Incredible Hulk rip off alien's heads with his ass, this film is for you.  God knows I've been waiting to see it happen for years.  From the guy who did Airplane and all those Naked Gun movies, Scary Movie 3 surprised the crap out of me by actually being funny.  Sure, it's a spoof on a bunch of other crappy or not-so-crappy movies, but hey. Incredible Hulk+aliens+ass= amazing cinema.
Sex and Zen/ Rou pu tuan zhi tou qing bao jian (1992)

SOFTCORE KUNG-FU SEX, MAN WITH LITERAL DONKEY PENIS

 Yep.  You read that right.  This film's main plot revolves around a man who has a horse's penis surgically attached to him.  There's flying sex scenes and other strangeness....but who am I kidding?  The main plot of this oriental action/comedy is all about a man's quest to obtain and use a donkey cock.  Nothing more needs to be said. Trust me.
She Creature (2001)

CARNIVOROUS MERMAIDS, LESBIAN IMPREGNATION (sort of)

  I'll keep this simple:  Men find real mermaid.  Real mermaid impregnates barren women when it gets the chance.   Mermaid eats men.  Mermaid mutates into fish-monster.  Fish monster eats more men.  Barren women love the fish-monster for giving them babies.  The end.  Nothing else needs to be said.  Trust me.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

HOMICIDAL SANTA, SEXUAL ST. NICK ASSAULT!

This AMAZING FILM has some of the best psycho catch-phrases ever heard.  Where else can you hear "YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY!" as a guy in a Santa suit chases a naked teen?  In this film, we see a poor Santa-impersonator (the real St. Nick only uses his bare hands, that jolly old elf) RAPE A CHILD'S MOTHER IN FRONT OF HIM after robbing a liquor store.  The child grows up, fearing Santa Claus until he is forced to wear the suit, inspiring a YULE-TIDE THEMED MASSACRE,  God bless us, everyone.
Silent Night, Deadly Night 4:  Initiation/ Bugs (1990)

MAGGOT MAYHEM FOR THE HOLIDAYS

  The Christmas season is ripe with holidays for all religions.  Apparently the followers of Lilith celebrate the holiday by randomly making women give birth to giant worms and kill little boys.  Remember:  Some people think of Santa and tinsel this time of year.  Others think of giant cockroaches and SPONTANEOUS HUMAN (CROTCH) COMBUSTION. 
Sleepwalkers (1992)

CORN-ON-THE-COB, KILLED BY STRAY CATS.

Watch with disbelief as Were-Cat Mary Brady (played by Alice Krige of Star Trek Borg Queen fame) puts a CORN-ON-THE-COB THROUGH A COP'S SPINE!  The strangeness of this is only balanced by the fact that Mrs. Brady is later SCRATCHED TO COMBUSTION by several vindictive STRAY CATS.   Non-fatalities:  Pencil through the head (cop survives) and corkscrew through the eyeball (Were-Cats are apparently used to this sort of thing).
Space Truckers (1996)

JUMP-STARTING GENITALIA, SQUARE PIGS

In the FUTURE, all transport through space is handled by SPAAAAAACE TRUCKERS!  They drive trucks though space (as in their ships literally look like Semi's)  delivering such things as stackable livestock.  There's evil robots in the somewhere but it doesn't beat the cyborg who has to pull-start his vibrating super-penis like it was a lawnmower.  Read that again.  :pause:  Yes.  There's a scene involving the bad guy cranking up his penis.  Gah.
Squirm (1976)

EATEN BY KILLER EARTHWORMS

Killer earthworms.  Killer.  Earth. Worms.  Wow.

 

Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat (1991)

A VAMPIRE WESTERN

  /Armed with sunscreen, ten gallon hats, and six-shooters filled with wooden bullets, this film dares to explore the genre of vampire westerns.  Or something like that.  Bruce Campbell stars(?) as Van Helsing.  Besides an offbeat plot, this film is strangely normal once you get past the fact that most of the cast are VEGETARIAN VAMPIRES.  :yawn:
Surf Nazis Must Die (1987)

ELDERLY MOTHER  MURDERS NAZIS

Truly a craptacular picture, this Troma film stars gangs of surfers that fight for control of a beach.  The Nazis kill everyone until a vengeful old/fat black lady shows up on a motorcycle with heavy artillery, bringing holy death to them all.  Film does have an old lady laughing as she decapitates a woman with a boat.  That's got to be worth something.   The Internet movie database would like to point out that if you like this movie, you might also like Gangs of New York.   
Teenage Caveman (2002)

SEX MAKES TEENS EXPLODE

This post-apocalyptic remake of an old terrible movie by the same name is all about teenagers having sex in bombed-out Seattle of the Future.  Of course, if you have sex with "infected" teenagers you explode during sex.  Despite this fact, the teens get their groove on, including one scene where they make sweet and passionate love....while covered in splattered body parts.   There's a mutant in there somewhere, but really it's just a side dish.  From the director of Kids, it raises the question:  "Larry Clark:  What the HELL is your problem?" 
Terror Toons (2002)

LAUGHING TO DEATH, DEATH BY PUPPETRY, PROOF THAT THERE IS NO GOD

Thanks to the DVD, you can take a behind the scenes look at the making of Terror Toons.  The director is PROUD that the film only cost 2 thousand dollars and was shot over a period of two days.  Sweet Jesus on a pogo stick this film hurt me a lot.  Share it with your friends.  They must learn so the mistake is never repeated.  Painful but somehow still worth saying "Guess what I sat though?"  Like a train-wreck.  Flash-backs kicking in. God I must really, really hate myself to have seen this thing four times.  I need to lay down.
Tokyo: The Last Megalopolis/Teito Taisen (Live-action) (1989)

SATANIC ORIGAMI, SEVERED HAND SEX, HOT WORM SEX

Based off the anime of the same name, this bizarre supernatural horror film has lots of weirdness right out of the gate.  From the bad guy caressing captives with a severed hand to creating evil demons out of folded paper, this film is very very Japanese.  Half historic and half WHAT-THE-HELL, at least the film stays shiny all the way through.  By what the hell I mean that this film has a deep and detailed plot.  Unfortunately it requires a LOT of drugs to make any damn sense.  Remember, if you're ever in trouble on the subway a Giant Gold Robot may or may not come to save you.  God I love Japan.
Uncle Sam (1997)

PATRIOTIC HOMICIDES, KILLER ZOMBIE DRESSED AS UNCLE SAM

  A movie that never really tells you if its very patriotic or making fun of patriotism, Uncle Sam is most enjoyed if one doesn't think too much.  Just swallow the fact that a dead SOLDIER ZOMBIE will kill anyone even remotely unpatriotic.  This includes those that protested the war in Vietnam, cheat on their taxes, immigrants, women who like sex, and pot-smoking cops.  It warms my heart to see an officer of the law impaled on an American flag.  I still can't tell if what I'm feeling is patriotic or not.  Very boring if you don't have a fetish requiring patriotic zombies.
Vamp (1986)

GRACE JONES AS THE VAMPIRE QUEEN OF STRIPPERS, VAMPIRE 8-YEAR OLD NINJA, ATTACKED BY ELEVATOR

  I've heard a lot about the influence of this film.  From Dusk 'til Dawn to Interview with a Vampire, this film has supposedly been a great influence on the vampire film genre.  This fact is extremely saddening.  How many films cross an unfunny college comedy with a vampire stripper movie?  On one hand, it does have Grace Jones as the Egyptian queen of strippers.  On the other hand, it has a gang of toothless albinos that get killed by an 8-year old girl  that can fly, as well as a stripper by the name of "Hard Hat Hannah, the builder of major erections."   Truly a classic.  bah.
Vegas in Space (1991)

DRAG QUEENS IN SPACE!

   In the future, space police men must have a sex change and become absolutely fabulous women (read: drag queens).  I just wish that I, at a young and tender age, had been told that this film was all about Drag Queens.  It might have saved me a lot of confusion and therapy later on.  I quote my 13 year old self:  "Hey they're flat-chest but at least they're topless.  This film isn't that bad."  :sigh:  Watching this film again reminded me of what a sheltered childhood I led.
The Warriors (1979)

EVIL BASEBALL-PLAYING CLOWNS, A GANG OF MIMES

 Apparently New York has some very interesting gangs.  From rollerskating hoodlums to a gaggle of evil mime/street artists, the film throws a random gang at you every fifteen or so minutes.  My favorite:  BASEBALL PLAYING CLOWNS completely wail on our heroes.  I guess when there's already a gang of mimes then there's really not a hell of a lot of ways one can increase their street cred.  I can only name one thing worse than being beaten up by clowns with cleats:  70's fashion. Enjoy.
Waterworld (1995)

URINE-DRINKING FISHMAN

I'm sure a lot of you have seen this flick.  How many of you remember that the opening scene features Kevin Costner, the mutant fish-man, urinating and drinking his own waste?  Hell of a way to start a movie.  The film doesn't get much better from there, with evil skiers jumping like a water-show extravaganza left and right, but at least they started on a high note.  I can imagine the script:  Scene 1, stage direction: Kevin Costner drinks his own pee.  {end scene}
Werewolves on Wheels/Werewolf bikers from Hell (1971)

WEREWOLVES ON MOTORCYCLES (what more do you want?)

  Your basic 1970's motorcycle gang movie moves along splendidly until the gang takes a nap near the local Satanic monastery.  This "nap of doom" ends up getting several members possessed, killed, raped, etc.  It all culminates in a bike chase scene with a man with crepe hair glued to his helmet howling at the moon.  A biker movie that's crossed with a werewolf movie?  Its like Vamp only with Grace Jones being replaced by a hairy mongoloid named Scarfie.  Ick.
Wild Beasts (1984)

ZOO ANIMALS ON PCP, A MURDEROUS BALLET CLASS OF 12-YEAR OLDS (ON PCP)

  Wild Beasts?  Yeah. Whatever.  An amazing film if you can survive it.  Yeah, watch elephants crush pedestrians, rats eat naked women, and a cheetah chase a Volkswagon Beetle.  Wait until the last ten minutes of the film.  There you'll find the joy of watching a young dance class accidently take a crapload of PCP, grab some knives, and STAB THE CRAP OUT OF THEIR TEACHER.  Ballet is so hardcore. 
Wolf Girl/Blood Moon (2001)

SIDE-SHOW STRANGENESS

Disappointing for those looking for side-show massacres, this ThrillerslashScienceFictionslashDRAMA just comes across as a bit sad and off-kilter.  Sure, it has a boy using his scientist mother's experimental NAIR product on the woeful "Wolf Girl" but it also has Grace Jones singing in front of very well-endowed cross-dressers.  Full of exploitive (and far too depressing) songs about side-show freaks (some sung by Tim Curry), this film is essentially about a girl who goes crazy in the process of losing her extreme body hair.  I can't forget to mention it has Darlene Cates (the Fat Lady from Gilbert Grape) as the Fat Lady from Wolf Girl. 
Zombie Gangbang/Zombie Ninja Gangbangers (1997)

ZOMBIE.  GANG. RAPE.

  This has got to be the perfect date movie.  I'll just walk you through the film:  The first 15 minutes contain nothing but strippers and dancers.  No characters are introduced, just boobs and thongs.  Then our heroine, a hooker, is gang-raped by zombies in her car.  She goes to the police, who don't believe her and instead rape her again.  Then the zombies rape her again.  Then hooker with a heart of gold hires a mad scientist to create a Super Zombie to protect her.  He agrees...if she'll have sex with it.  Gah.  Oh and somewhere in there is a 300 pound man in a diaper killing a prostitute so that his elderly father can have sex with it.  Like I said, this is the best date movie EVER.

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All material is copyrighted 2005 by well, me. Jared von Hindman.  If you want to steal something, let me know.  Otherwise I'll crash a plane into your house. :)