Home  BLOG  Strange Art  Entertainment   Comic  Opera  Specials  Who am I?   The Store   Contact

Occasionally I get the bug to watch really bad movies or just rant about some little entertaining thing that I ran across.  Here's some review-like things that I threw together for my amusement and maybe yours.

This section is updated Randomly.  Which is sad but true.  I blame commissions.

 

Indiana Bones!

...the strangest copyright-infringing playground I've ever seen.

Halloween Review Coming Soon!

 

Halloween Review Coming Soon!
Halloween Review Coming Soon!
Halloween Review Coming Soon!
Halloween Review Coming Soon!
Halloween Review Coming Soon!
Jared's Pretentious Fashion Photos!

Also known as "The Article that's totally Filler because Jared missed so many updates he'll distract you with images of his friend's behind."

Sleepaway Camp:
The Series

Enjoy a brief look at everything I love and hate about this unsung horror franchise about murder, child abuse, and gender confusion.

Dead Alive / Braindead

If I wore a wristband that said GZVA would you think less of me?  Do you really want to know what that stands for?

Attacktix

Toys for 6-year-olds.

How many balls can you put into Jabba the Hutt's Mouth?

Silent Night Deadly Night

FIVE!

Mickey Rooney sees you when you're sleeping and he knows when you're awake.

Prophecy: 
I foretell Mutant Bears

Dare you watch the best killer mutant bear movie around?  I don't know what that is but when you're done with that, check this bastard out.

Jared's Halloween Guide to Horror

(Only an Opinion, Internet Snark Masters)

Rumpelstiltskin

From the creator of the Leprechaun series....what did you expect?

TERROR TOONS

...because I can't think of anything scarier than this to start this year's Halloween celebration.

Invitation to Hell!

Jared digs up a long forgotten article and teaches you why Country Clubs aren't to be trusted with the help of Wes Craven.

Sting of Death:

Not a Love Story.  Like, at all.

Dungeons & Dragons:

Celebrating 30 years  of Very Stupid Monsters

PART TWO !

Teeth

Puberty, Molestation, and a Monster Crotch.

(NOT FOR KIDS)

Grill Skills!

Wendy's Training video.  With Rap.  Why has God forsaken us?

Now with a rather charming Interview!

Can't Sleep, Sheep will Eat Me.

Watch in horror as Jared throws his ethics to the wind and writes a NOT SAFE FOR WORK review,  all in the name of a killer sheep movie.

Pi˝ata Survival Island

  Because every monster's greatest fear is Mexican children with blindfolds and sticks.

Wes Craven's Deadly Friend

Warning:  Might Not be Safe For Work due to sheer awesomeness.

Teen Wolf

I don't usually review comedies, but comedies that aren't funny featuring the shortest basketball player ever who turns into a werewolf is a whole different ball game. 

Troll 2

...featuring absolutely no trolls in it whatsoever.  Just roll with it.  And remember to eat your vegetables.

The Manitou

...has the weirdest plot of any movie I've ever seen.  And I mean that.

Sleepwalkers:

Cat People want your Virginity!

Actually, more than just Cat People.  But that's what this terrible film from Stephen King is all about.

Godzilla Versus Space Godzilla

"Get in mah belly!"

Reeker

An "intellectual" horror movie, without fart jokes, that totally stars a magical cyborg zombie ghost.  No lie.

Ghost Rider

You'd think that Hollywood would have figured out how NOT to make a comic book movie by now?  See just how they treated possibly one of the coolest-looking super heroes in live-action form.   It isn't pretty, trust me.

Freaks Double Feature!

You can't help but stare!

Satan's Cheerleaders

Look at that title.  I really don't need to say anything else, do I?

Killdozer:  Fact and Fiction

Did you know that in 2004 a very crazy man brought a horror movie legend to life?  Find out more!

The NeverEnding Trilogy

I loved The NeverEnding Story.  That's why I'm angry.

Jesus Christ:  Vampire Hunter

"Where have all the Lesbians gone?"

I've received over 100 emails telling me to review this film.  See if you can figure out why.

Blood Dolls!

A short and dirty look at one of my favorite films.  Of course it has a clown and a midget in it.

SPAWN:  The Movie

Enjoy a rant about what 12-year-old Jared thought of Todd McFarlane and why modern Jared really hates Clowns.  Do it or I'll tell John Leguizamo where you sleep at night.  And you don't want that, do you?

Dungeons & Dragons:

Celebrating 30 years  of Very Stupid Monsters

I'll admit it:  "Celebrating" might not be the right word for what I'm doing.  It might not even be close.

City of Villains!

Online Gaming is going to eat my soul.  I just know it.

Dr. Phibes is Abominable!

Want to have a close look at the murderous ways of Vincent Price in a couple of films he's best not remembered for?  Me neither, but that didn't stop me from writing this little article.

Superman Crossover Surprise!

Learn all about Muhammad Ali, He-man, I Love Lucy, and The Thundercats with the help of the Man of Steel!  Superman's been involved in some weird promotions and here's my tribute to them.  Oh and apologies to Muhammad Ali fans.

The Almost Complete Phantom of the Opera!

From Lon Chaney to Lloyd Webber to Julian Sands to Robert Englund, take a walk down the twisted history of one deformed freak with a passion for Opera.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

Tickle Rays, Murderous Martians, midgets with baseball bats, and a furry dressed as a polar bear.  It must be Christmas!

Worms On The Brain!

Enjoy a trilogy of brain-eating slug films, including Brain Damage, Slither, and the infamous Night of the Creeps.  You know, because everyone needs alien parasites in their lives.

Comic Book CraP:  Marvel Zombies!!!

When I was 13, I wasn't allowed to read about the time Spiderman ate the skin off his wife's face.  Kids today are so lucky, aren't they?

The worst horror movie ever made.

Literally.  (Now with Interview with director Bill Zebub!)

The Demonic Toys Trilogy!

One of the underrated trilogies out there, Demonic Toys still has lots of great stuff you didn't know about.  Like Corey Feldman, for one. 

Friday the 13th:  The complete series

What started last Friday the 13th was completed this past October...on Friday the 13th.  Want to know about everything Jason Voorhees has ever done?  After this, you'll know far too much.  Trust me.

Masters of Horror?

What should have only been a blog post, mutated into something a bit too large about one of the best things still on television.

Music Video Horror!

Read this short article that takes a super-quick look at Thriller and the Backstreet Boys Halloween Special.  Yes, I'm scared too.

Halloween 3:  Season of the Witch

  Who wouldn't want to watch a Halloween film about Neopagan robots and the evil plans of a rubber novelty corporation?

The Terror of the Codpiece!

From Vertigo comics, take a nightmarish look into the world's only criminal to sport crotch-to-air missiles.

From Hell it Came!!!

A terrible film about a killer tree made in Hawaii, with nightmarish results.  Mostly affecting Hawaii.

Turkish Superheroes and Star Trek

 Have you every wondered what the Turkish William Shatner looks like?  Well, I don't care if you haven't.  This article is about that and so much more.

Scooby-Dooby-Two?

It fills me with great shame that I not only sat down to watch the sequel to the first live-action Scooby film, but also honestly enjoyed it.  That has something to do with deadly flatulence, but that's not something to be proud of.  God I feel dirty.

Legend of the sacred stone

I like my puppets raw with lots of Kung Fu, don't you?

The Great Yokai War

Part 2 of the Great Yokai Article...with Kung-Fu Hamsters.

 

The Great Yokai Trilogy

Do you like monsters?  Sure, we all do.

Part 1 of the Great Yokai Article

THE GINGERDEAD MAN

Run, Run, fast as you can...Gary Busey's going to cut you.

PET SHOP OF HORRORS!

Warning, article contains:  Anime, the word "yaoi", peanuts, The Letter People, and, well, pets that eat your face.  Parental Discretion is advised. 

Zebraman:  black and white ecstasy

Dear Lord, did Japan actually produce a film satirizing cosplay, internet fan sites, superheroes, comic books, and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?  The answer couldn't be no.  That's just be stupid.  Why would I have brought it up?

Comic Book Crap:  Archie Vs. The Punisher!

 Of all the comic book crossovers I've seen lately, this one is potentially the most traumatizing.  Click the above to read about one violent vigilante and his run in with a goofy freckled kid who's been a teenage for over 60 years.  Or don't.  You're safer that way.

Comic Book Crap:  THE NEW WARRIORS!!!

Jared takes a weird look at Marvel's superhero team "for the 1990's", featuring characters from the 1970's.  He also talks about himself in the third person. Yes, yes he does.

BILL AND COO!

I don't know what to type about a film filled with parrots running around in festive hats.

LEPRECHAUN MADNESS

Enjoy a belated St. Patrick's Day by reading about every terrible and awesome killer Leprechaun movie they ever made.  You know you want to.

COOL WORLD!

  Starring Brad Pitt and a phenomenally middle-aged Kim Basinger, enjoy this story about a cartoon character's need for some filthy muskrat love.

THE DESCENT!

  Take a look at this short rant about a sensory deprivation experiment that pretends to be a film about killer Bat People (that are nude).

THE MONSTURD INTERVIEW!

As stupid as it may sound, I'm totally thrilled that I was able to talk to the directors of the only monster movie where the monster is a giant shambling pile of human feces.  I'm easily thrilled, I think.

FRIDAY THE 13TH IS HERE! (PART 1-4)

 Nothing quite says "I love Friday the 13th" quite like a quick look at how the hell the series got started.  With crotch stabbings and Corey Feldman galore! 

 KING KONG VERSUS GODZILLA!

 What other film features the colorized debut of both Kong and Godzilla, a plot that revolves around massive amounts of narcotics, and a giant monkey crotch on fire?

GIANT TITS OF DOOM!

 Chesty Morgan starred in two movies...and her breasts were very important to the plot.  Enjoy this short double (double F) feature about her breast's film career.  Oh and it's not porn.  Really.

SLAYRIDE AND SANTA CLAWS!

 Everyone loves a little Santa Slasher film with their eggnog.  I know I do.

 

KINGKONG.COM, 8TH WONDER OF THE WEB!

Whether you've seen the movie or not, you won't believe the crap Universal studios paid someone to included on the official Kong website.  Two words:  Meat Weasels. 

THEODORE REX:  WORDS FAIL ME.

  If you've ever wanted to see Whoopi Goldberg play a cyborg cop who gets partnered with a farting dinosaur, then this is the film for you.  :shudder:

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 Enjoy the holiday season as only a killer turkey monster on drugs can.  Really.  I mean it.  Start killing.  We'll meet back here in time for football.

SO, YOU WANT TO BE RON JEREMY?

  Sweet Christ on a pogo stick.  It's a remake of "Being John Malkovich" starring Ron Jeremy.  The Apocalypse is truly upon us.

 FREDDY KRUEGER FEVER!

  If you ever wanted to find a list of every weird way Freddy's ever killed someone, this is the place for you. 

 CLIVE BARKER FEVER!

 Take a look at our first Halloween special:  A HUGE article that summarizes ever film and television show that Clive Barker's ever been involved with. 

BATMAN WAS A RIP-OFF?

  If you don't care or know anything about Batman, don't click here.  This tiny article exists to educate and maybe just piss off Batman fans. 

CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON 3!!!

  Click the title for a quick look to see what "officially" happened to the Creature from the Black Lagoon, according to Universal.  I'll warn you:  It isn't pretty.

BORN ON THE BAYOU:  SWAMP & MAN THING

  Why the hell would Heather Locklear put a phallic object in her mouth and why does she take it from a guy named Dick Durock?  Find Out!

THE MONSTER SQUAD!

 Take a look at one of my childhood's favorite films!  Dracula versus a pizza!  Wolfman versus Genital Mutilation!  The Creature from the Black Lagoon versus a fat kid named Horace!  Click to enter:  high adventure and PRIZES abound.

EARTHWORMS AND SLUGS AND TICKS, OH MY!

  Killer Earthworms, Killer Slugs, & Killer Ticks:  All in one place.  What more could you want beyond a trilogy of retarded killer invertebrate  flicks?

OFFENSIVE CARTOONS FROM THE 1940'S!

 You won't believe what Bugs Bunny, Dr. Seuss, Donald Duck, Superman, and so many more did when America went to war against Japan and Germany.  This article's kind of educational, but it still features a famous Warner Brothers character using an ethnic slur, which has to be worth something in this day and age.

VAMPIRES IN SPACE!

 Enjoy the horror that is a whole mess of full frontal nudity...all in the name of cheesy science fiction and the director working out his issues with women.  I have serious reason to believe Tobe Hooper needs serious therapy...or to at least get laid.

THE FANTASTIC FOUR IN HORRIBLE DETAIL!

What started out as a review of the new Fantastic Four film quickly turned into a retrospective of every cartoon and movie the Fantastic Four have ever had.  Over 4,000 words long and more than slightly insane.  Oh and it includes Ben Grimm with Boobs!

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA!

 Enjoy this short look at exactly why they're aren't more superhero on television.  CBS tried to make this work, but really, when the first plot revolves around fighting a rogue meteorologist called "The Weatherman" what did you expect?  Click on, if you're brave.

TEEN TITANS! The ▄ber-Guide. (seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5)

While it may not be for everyone, I got hooked on the Cartoon Network's Teen Titans.  As such, I had to share the pain.  Get ready for comic book weirdness through Japanese Americana.  (Complete as of August 2006)

HOUSE OF THE DEAD!

  Enjoy this short, dirty, and quick look at Uwe Boll's film where ravers invade a quaint little place known as the ISLAND OF DEATH.

WHEN APPLIANCES ATTACK! (Sexually?)

Enjoy The Washing Machine, The Refrigerator, and Microwave Massacre.  Or not.  Long story short:  my intent to watch nothing but killer household appliance movies is thwarted by softcore pornography.  Seriously.

DINOSAURS ATTACK!

  Enjoy a brief glimpse at the ultra-violence and cruelty that Topps peddled to children back in 1988.  To be more specific:  Come see a woman bitten in the crotch by a dinosaur.  Yay!

AMERICAN IDOL:  Holy Crap.

Between not having a television for a while and living in Germany, I've completely missed out on this phenomenon until last week when I was brutally assaulted by that which is known as American Idol.  Read on!

BARAGON QUADRUPLE FEATURE!

Enjoy this sort of funny kind of informative batch of reviews revolving around a fire-breathing Dog Lizard.  Reviewed films include Frankenstein & Gamera vs. Baragon, Destroy all Monsters, and a recent Godzilla flick with a far too long name.

GODZILLA: FINAL WARS!

Made in 2004, Godzilla's latest film teaches us to believe in the Matrix, giant Lizards, and Mothra's violent death.  Life is good. 

Pregnant Women are EVIL; Fear the INSEMINOID!

If only more aliens used condoms, tragedies such as these could be avoided.

Easter Special: Night of the Lepus!

To celebrate the holiday I invite you to join me on a wonderful romp through the crazy antics of a bunch of Giant Killer Flesh-Eating Bunnies.  You'll be glad you did. :)

Killer Mosquito Madness! (sort of)

Take a look here for a look at New Line Cinema's 1993 dung heap that was the movie Skeeter.  Mosquitoes are the new Heroin, Impotent Men keep their women locked down, and somewhere an Indian is eating bad peyote.  Click the pic to find out more!

ATTACK OF THE MUSHROOM PEOPLE! See the Fungus of Terror!

More of a drama than a Mushroom Horror, you still need to come and see the amazing "thing" that is: MATANGO, the Terrible Fungus.  Did I mention that the Mushroom People want to get you high?

Hurricanes and a Giant $#!+ Monster: My Summer Vacation.

Hey, this is a crappy Angelfire site (for the moment)...I had to do a "what I did on my Summer vacation" entry at some point.  I'm back officially by the way.  More to come soon, but this must tide you over.

HOUSE IV!

  A short review of one of the more unnecessary sequels to the House series.  By the way, did you know that your Pizza man is everybody's favorite Pizza guy?

 

XTRO:HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Possibly the most screwed up tribute to my father.  Enjoy the aliens and evil midgets that tell the world it must be Father's Day!

LOST IN BERLIN!

SEE HITLER'S BUNKER! SEE REAL LIFE DONKEY KONG! SEE SANTA BREAKING INTO YOUR VERY OWN HOME! When I started this site, I planned on listing some of the strange things going on here in Germany.  Looks like I finally got around to it. And yes, those are cute carrion-eating bunnies.

You just had to watch EQUINOX, didn't you?

 I can't believe I'd never heard of this amazing film.  Suggested by Paula, my third audience member, Equinox is AMAZING.  By amazing I mean weird, hilarious, painful, mind-numbing, and filled with Ross Perot. 

LOST IN SPACE!

Come in for high adventure where Gary Oldman talks about his crotch, kids play with William Hurt action figures, and Joey from Friends is not a monkey. 

Everything I learned about Love I learned on Friday the 13th.

Tough lessons in love from the world of Horror films.  Final Exam is NOT for children.

The GUYVER

One day, Mark Hamill will gun me down.  Understand the crime before it happens.

HULK! AUDIENCE SMASH!

Take a quick look through what went wrong and why Eric Bana's acne scars were pivotal to the action.

 I love/hate spiders.

 Trust me, it sort of makes sense.  Here I walk through the wonderful world of evil, evil spiders.  Oh and if you need to steal a biology paper, I've got one of those too.

CHOPPING MALL! (also known as Killbots)

Featuring the most sadistic robots you'll ever see, this film also features those same robots as Mall Security.  Out the same year as Transformers: The Movie, Chopping Mall's stars are very happy to  not have made the cut.  Rented to hurt, this film brought me FAR too much joy.  Oh and I seem to really hate a particular Transformer all of a sudden.

Killer Snowmen melt my brain.

My God. Part of me has died forever.  From the man who wrote Identity comes the most painful thing I've seen in a while.

Home  BLOG  Strange Art  Entertainment   Comic  Opera  Specials  Who am I?   The Store   Contact