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I totally screwed up this year's Halloween. If you're still waiting for your painting, it will be done. Need an excuse? Blame a very bad year, domestic drama at home, and a doctor prescribing something that killed my ability to paint. Sure, that sounds right. In the meantime, here's what WAS finished:
Say hello to Steampunk Jessi and her fellow.
In this picture, Jessi's main squeeze is...um....I liked the painting too much to risk screwing it up. Forgive me.
What time is it?
It's always Tea Time.
Awesome Joan of Arc costume you have there.
The variant version of this costume has a shirt that reads:
"I need a Hug."
You have to love the eyepatch substitute.
See the movie.
Seriously? Some sent me a picture of a character from the Phantom Tollbooth?
Thank you, wise Dodecahedron.
October 31st: Enjoy the Day that makes October worth all the trouble. (With Bonus Monster)
Say hello to the new staple of the monster pantheon: The "Rage" Zombie. Seen in a couple of movies from the 1980's that no one really can remember, this sub-type of zombie is known to most folks from the film "28 Days Later". It's shown up a bunch since then, most notably in the goofily illogical film "Quarantine". I'll save my complaint about that one for another day, but suffice to say the movie's prime issue is that it pretends to be "realistic" but has more plot holes and retarded things in it than, say.....X-men 3? So it's not the worst movie, but it feels that way because it's obviously trying so hard and missing the mark for a while. Bad movie fans, check it out if you haven't already. Just don't try to think while watching.
Gah. Stupid tangent. Back on task: Rage Zombies are zombies that aren't dead and can run really fast and are more or less based on a biological weapons scare from the 1980's (the same scare that inspired those movies way back when). So while they're not zombies in the traditional sense, by now most horror fans have warmed up to the idea of living people who are crazy counting as zombies. You know because being elitist about fictional monsters is for the Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons.
The Bonus Monster: The Eggplant Wizard (He's made of Eggplant.)
Yes, the dreaded Eggplant Wizard. EW here is from the ye olde Nintendo game "Kid Icarus" and if you don't know him he's quite positively the most bizarre/retarded monster around. He's an eggplant, with an eyeball/hands, that wears a toga and has a magic staff that turns your character into an Eggplant. With tiny, tiny legs. If you play the game it's really, really annoying because eggplants can't fight but just try to wrap your head around a monster that turns you into a vegetable. That sound remakeably close to the plot of "Troll 2", so you KNOW it's special.
Homestar Runner Fans: Enjoy this pumpkin I made for a friend who's obsessed with Marzipan.
As all my pumpkins this year must have goofy names, I shall call you: Marzipumpkin.
October 30th: Don't you ever say that Buffy doesn't suck.
I'm mostly kidding but whenever "normal" folks who aren't into schlock tell me how awesome Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the Show) is, I can only laugh. I haven't seen the later seasons so maybe the show got a heck of a lot better but seriously. I've watched Season One and if I'd had time this month I'd have reviewed it but here there are two episodes that just blow me away with their suck:
First off, there's actually an episode about a killer Praying Mantis Demon who pretends to be a Substitute Teacher and lay her eggs in here students. It's....amaaaaazing. Even better is the other episode that features a demon skilled at online seduction and cybernetics. Yep...there's an episode where a demon gets sucked into a computer, seduces Willow (before she became a hot lesbian witch apparently) and then builds itself a crazy LOVEBOT SMASH body. I think Buffy is a great cheesy B-grade horror show...but don't even pretend it's a "good" one. In other news:
Every year I try to do something with Pumpkins. This year....my camera imploded, meaning I have no decent pictures to share with you. That's never stopped me before, so enjoy:
The successful pumpkin this year was the Pepperkin, an orange bell pepper I carved up. Not bad and the only pumpkin I have a picture that's decent of. Of course, the others are pretty strange.
The Hell is this? Exotic Fruit Mineral-Vitamin Bomb?
Seriously? This thing will explode?
What you're seeing is a "African Horned Cucumber" something I didn't know until I googled some of the words on the bottom of the package. I wonder, will it turn into a good pumpkin?
Like most pumpkins, the Horned Cucumber has disgusting insides.
Not amazing, but hey, how many African Horned Cucumbers have you seen?
In other news: You know what I hate? I hate the fact that my Halloween decorations/special candy/etc in the store is already being replaced by Christmas Candy. Seriously...Christmas is two months away...can I please enjoy my Halloween?
So it's time to retaliate. There's a reason Santa shouldn't show up before October ends....
...because if he does I'm going to carve out his eyes and stick a candle in his rear end (as pictures above).
As it turns out, Chocolate Santa doesn't make a very long-lasting pumpkin. I didn't even have time to get a nice picture of him with the candle inside him before he pretty much melted in on himself. What you can't see in the above picture is how the candle I stuck in his lower intestinal tract actually didn't go out when he collapse.
Fun Fact: Chocolate is a heck of a lot more flammable than you thought. I actually had to extinguish this bitch with a pitcher of water so that it didn't burn down my apartment. That would have been fun to explain: "Sorry Officer, I was just enjoying the light from my Sant-a-lantern when things got out of hand."
Happy Halloween guys. More fun tomorrow.
(And remember, I don't promise to paint them but if your costume tomorrow night is awesome, feel free to send it in late.)
Costumes Part 1!
It's finally time. Enjoy your taste of Fame and send me your costume pics if you haven't already. Remember, best costume gets any painting from this month signed and set to them the first week of November. Enjoy!
Emo Venom! (Vemo? Vemom?)
Freddy with knife and Dracula Cape? The hell?
The Bird just asked me to dance.
Umm... Hi. :mumbles nervously:
Necronadia wants you to know that this is Ghoul, not a zombie.
Because Zombies are criminally overdone.
Warriors...come out and playeeeeeyaaaaaa....
A costume both confusing and awesome: painted twice.
:insert Star Wars NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! here:
Think Pink, boys and girls.
I don't know either.
Nothing screams horror quite like a sacrificial cake.
I'm so sorry Bethany, I needed a chibi in my life.
Frankenstein's Bride (and Frankenstein's Microwave/Kitchen Set)
Awesome Claws, Great Pose....pretty flowers?
To the Man who sent in a picture of his girlfriend:
I really should have told you about my Harley Quinn Fetish sooner.
This is a legitimate photo from a Lesbian Wedding Zombie Walk.
The world is an awesome, awesome place.
Don't forget to check out the blog for the Lesbian Wedding Cake painting. It isn't Safe for Work or those under the age of 15, so it's on the Blog. Oh and if you're under-aged and still want to see it, don't tell your parents.
Parents: I'm kidding.
Kids: No I'm not. They'll never find out.
Parents: Kidding again, don't mind me.
Oh and to everyone: More costume paintings as the days of Halloween continue to countdown. Remember, October 30th at Midnight is when I stop taking costume pictures, so send yours today if you haven't already.
October 29th: Snoop Dog
Dear Lord, why is Snoop Dog making horror movies? Similar to Tales from the Hood, Snoopy stars in a slew of urban (read: African Americans living the ghetto lifestyle) horror films that are...special. While I could say it borders on Blaxploitation, I'll point out how awesome it is that "S-Dog the Shizzles for Rizzles" casts himself as the smooth-talking bad guy in most of these. He plays a similar role in his porno films but let's not talk about those. Like, ever. The painting here is based of him as the Devil in "Snoop Dog's Hood of Horror" but don't forget to check out Bones where he morphs into a dog a couple of times to kill sex-crazy teens something all the new old-school folks will clearly recognize.
October 28th: Grendel, Your Book is Awesome.
My favorite book of all time? Grendel, by John Gardener. John Gardener was the linguist who gave a lot of us the modern and accepted translation of Beowolf. As a side-effect of his intimacy with the material, he ended up writing a novel telling that story from Grendel's perspective. It's amazing and, if there's a book that's shaped who I am, it's this one. Why? Because Grendel was written to be the Bible for Nihilism, a legit movement when this was written. The funny thing? It doesn't have the word Nihilism in it, so if you take this book to heart, you unwittingly buy into a belief in NOTHING. Even funnier, after this book John Gardener realized just how wrong he was a wrote a constant stream of books showing how the world, while appearing to be nihilistic, isn't that at all. And all his other books failed in comparison to Grendel. Great stuff and again, the best book I have on my shelf.
October 27th: Yo Smawg, what up?
Have you read the Hobbit lately?
I've mentioned the glory of House 2 before, but I'll spell it out for you: Some of my favorite film series are the ones that shift gears completely between installments. House 1? Was a pure and legitimate horror (with a quirky twist). House 3? A psychotic slasher flick. House 4? A TERRIBLE comedy with a ghost and a Midget who drinks phlegm. (I reviewed it a long time ago, click HERE to read). But House 2? House 2 is a fantasy film. It's got a couple of spooky moments, but it's got the forces of good pitting zombie archeologist against cavemen, dinosaur worms, and "Jesse" the skeletal gunslinger villain. A summary doesn't do it justice...if you haven't seen it you need to. Yesterday.
New Articles: With Lots of Sexy Hot Rump and BEARS!
October 25th: The Giant Claw
What's the ugliest giant monster you've ever seen? The Giant Claw is an American-born Kaiju flick featuring a monster that's a freaking marionette rather than a rubber suit or, as was popular at the time, just a normal animal on a miniature set. You know, like the Giant Gila Monster, which had a Gila monster photographed on a set. Ah, the days when movies were allowed to suck so unapologetically.
October 24th: Mr. Hyde
He's a classic....and symbolic of mental disease. What's not to like?
October 23rd: Fly, Monkeys, Fly!
I don't care if it's silly. The flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz are pure, unadulterated nightmare fuel.
October 22nd: Das Kleine Krokodil
His name is Schnappi and if you know his theme song then you know why he's a horrible, horrible monster. Don't know the terror. Click HERE to feel your world cave in around you.
October 21st: The Thief of Always
I know it's boring to recommend a good book, but if you haven't read Clive Barker's Thief of Always you really should. It's for young adults but whatever...so is a lot of great stuff out there. The story has been slated to be a movie for a long time now, but so has a lot of Clive Barker's works. This one's a tale of Peter Pan's Lost Boys with a darker twist and has a visceral bent to it. I don't know what that means but hey, I like to fit the word visceral into most conversations these days.
October 20th: Hulk was a terrible Movie.
Four years ago when this site started, I wrote a very abridged review of the Ang Lee Hulk movie. (Click HERE to see what used to pass as a review on this site.) While most people remember that movie, what those same people tend to forget is that there was a GIANT MUTANT HULK POODLE in it. There aren't many killer poodles out there but I can't believe a mainstream comic book movie that they were trying to sell as a legit film had a GIANT MUTANT POODLE in it. :brain explode:
October 19th: Cryptozoology is awesome.
If you're ever visiting Mount St. Helens, make sure to keep your eyes peeled for the ever-elusive Batsquatch. Yep. Bigfoot. The Bat. Only Purple. Oh my.
October 18th: Treehouse of Horror
When the Simpsons are old enough that their joke Halloween characters start coming across as real Halloween characters, things are getting strange. Enjoy either Kang or Kodos and don't miss this year's Simpson's Halloween. It's the closest thing we have to new Halloween television these days.
Oh and don't forget:
Totally thought I'd have the first batch up by now, but surprise vacation means I'll be painting them in Spain and scanning them when I get back. I love vacations when I get to paint. Lots of awesome costumes in there and there's still time for you to send me yours. Email me at Jared @ Headinjurytheater.com...I'll be painting them all the way into the first week of November. You know, because sometimes the very best costumes only show up during that final Witching Hour. Oh yeah and instead of guessing the movies this year, best costume gets a painting of their choice. You can still buy the original if you need to feel the watercolor in your hand but yes: I'll mail out the winner whatever painting they want from this month. You know, for rocking so hard.
October 17th: The Great Pumpkin
Some would argue that the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown cartoon is the ultimate piece of entertainment to enjoy the Halloween season with. I don't necessarily agree....watching it now it's a nice piece of nostalgia, but it's very, very dated. And yet....it really is a piece of the American Halloween tradition. If you haven't watched it in the past few years, give it a shot.
October 16th: Enigma
While not everyone would call an entertainer/body modifier of Legend a monster, it's hard to dispute the argument when you're talking about a guy with horns, a body covered in jigsaw blue tattoos, and who is married to a woman slowly turning her body into a cat hybrid. That's all true by the by. For those who watched the X-files, Enigma first appeared on the scene (at least for a lot of us) as a sideshow freak who swallowed a vestigial brother and was named "The Conundrum". It was a great episode and if you didn't know that freaky fish-eating blue guy was REAL, then now you know. Check him out.....he's awesome. Even better, if you see him on stage say hello from the Fiji Mermaid.
October 15th: Steel & Lace
Back when the movie Terminator was hot, there was a slew of Terminator Rip-Offs. My favorite? It's a little film called Steel & Lace. This flick revolves around a brother who turns his sister's dead body into a cyborg/robot with missile boobs, a blender in her crotch, and other charming little gadgets that she uses while seducing the men who murdered her when she was alive. The movie is....fantastic. Did I mention she has a blender crotch attachment?
Bonus Banner Art: The Telltale Ringtone.
You know, because I like to re-post stuff that I pretend is clever.
October 14th: He Who Shall Not be Named (no, it's not Cheney)
So in the world of monsters, who's the scariest one-dimensional snakeman around? That guy from Dreamscape? Sure. James Earl Jones from the Conan the Barbarian movie? Yep. The experiment from the Movie SSSSSSSSSSssssss (real movie, I swear)...or maybe the guy from the Curse 2? Fine. There's a lot of snakemen in bad movies, but the most famous of them these days has to be Voldemort. He's so evil, his nose fell off. That's bad ass. Right? Maybe? And he kill people by saying abracadabra. Hardcore. Maybe.
October 13th: The Hairy Gnoll
As we walk into the 4th year of the Halloween Strange, I feel we start running out of monsters. Sure, there are a lot out there but going for a good mix of ones you know and ones you don't gets harder and harder to balance. As in previously years, here's a Dungeons & Dragons monsters...I mean a Monster from World of Warcraft...I mean a monster from a story by the 18th Baron of Dunsany. Whatever. I don't know why the idea of a Were-Hyena is such a popular one. Hell, we even had them in the first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I guess the fantasy genre just can't get over a smelly monster that's always laughing and that enjoys eating corpses. I know I can't.
(And shame on you for thinking this is just me having an excuse to paint my 4th edition D&D character. Nope, it's not that at all. His name isn't Rinkus either.)
PS: I won a trip to Spain. So while the week of October 18th I won't be at home, I'll update all the art before I go and all the articles when I get back. Just so you know.
October 12th: The Raft
During the Halloween season, there are a couple of movies that keep being shown almost constantly on late-night television pretending to host a decent horror night. Movie in question: Creepshow 2. If you've missed it, it's a movie from George Romero & Stephen King that shows 4 or so short stories in cinematic form. One of the stories is The Raft, the tale of a bunch of young folks who get stranded on a raft (The Raft, in fact) thanks to a man-eating toxic oil spill. It's better than it sounds.
October 11th: We have a winner. (And a Monkey.)
Many thanks to Jason Grubiak for solving the mystery of the Chubby Cocoon Monsters. If you don't know what I'm talking about, scroll down to October 5th to read about a monster memory that's been a mystery to me for almost 20 years now that's finally been solved. In other news: Monkey Time.
This painting was originally going to be
for the killer monkey (or the toy monkey with symbols they put on the
POSTER for the movie) from Monkey Shines. If you haven't seen a
movie that culminates in a crippled man kills a monkey with his teeth you
life is still incomplete. Of course, if you've been reading the news
recently, then you might already know about the guy who had his nose,
fingers, and testicles ripped off by a crazed chimpanzee that apparently
used to be his pet or something. It's been a LONG time since we've
had a killer Chimpanzee movie but I swear someone will make a horror movie
based off that. It's just too horrific and gore-friendly to NOT be
greenlit by some film company out there. My sympathies to Mr.
No-Nose/Fingers/Balls. Seriously. I laugh because what
happened to you is so nightmarish I really don't want to think about it
October 10th: My Baby is Teething.
When my sister announced that she
was going to create spawn/make a baby I was tempted to send here a copy of
the "It's Alive!" trilogy. For those who don't know, It's Alive! is
a series of films about KILLER BABIES. The first scene in one of
them is a mother giving birth and the moment the baby comes out it starts
ripping the doctors/nurses to shreds with it baby fangs and claws.
Truly a beautiful cinematic moment.
October 9th: Shamu is out for BLOOD!
When the movie Jaws was stupid popular, someone thought the idea of a killer whale would be awesome. Orca is said movie and it's pretty phenomenal. It's the only movie where the monster's motivation is driven by our heroes performing a giant ABORTION on the monster's wife. I'm serious. Orca is.....special. Think of it if you ever get the chance to visit Seaworld. You'll be glad you did.
October 8th: 31 Ways to Say I Love Halloween
Enjoy a mini-article where I ramble on about what movies you might want to see this year, assuming you know nothing of horror!
Oh and enjoy this painting of the Scarecrow. This is actually could be from any number of horror movies, so I'll just say he's from The Wizard of Oz. That makes sense, right?
Edit: I'm kidding guys & girls. It's Jack-O from possibly the worst killer scarecrow movie ever. That says a lot...I've sat though the movie "Scarecrow Gone Wild." :shudder:
Warwick Davis....I mean...The Leprechaun.
If you've been following the site for a while, it's no secret I have a midget man crush on Warwick Davis for his Lucky Charms Horror series. If you haven't read my words on the topic (which are old as heck, website-wise), CLICK HERE.
Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate.
I haven't gotten around to watching the new Doctor Who episodes, but the hilarity of the old Tom Baker days is something I haven't forgotten. What's not to like: Dr. Who is a show where a neurotic englishman foils killer robots, alien invasions, and civil unrest armed only with a screwdriver and a very long Harry Potter scarf. The Daleks, pictured here, are these weird robot things that seek to kill all humans. Oddly enough though, a certain British fellow says something clever and their hard drives explode. Don't ask, just check out the old episodes if you haven't had the chance. They're dated as hell but as long as you don't take them seriously, they're pretty special. Huh. Maybe I should review the good doctor sometime. As much as I love the old show, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a science fiction train wreck.
October 5th: I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MOVIE IS, MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME?!?
Edit: We have a winner. Scroll down!
Did you ever see a movie when you were a kid and now, even though you have a clear image in your brain about how it went, you still can't find it? That's the thing I have here. Next to this text is a doodle of what I can remember from some Science Fiction movie I saw with I was somewhere between 7 and 10 years old. It stars Post-Apocalyptic Outcasts, Space Pirates, Evil Empire Freedom Fighters and....that doesn't narrow the list down too much. Even worse, I only remember one scene, something that happens in the middle of the movie, has no bearing on the plot, and isn't important enough to appear in a plot summary. So here's the scene in words if my ink doodle fails:
A team of [Space Pirate/Cyborg Freedom Fighters/Stranded Post-Apocalyptic Survivors/Science Fiction Cliches] are in a desert [possibly alien planet] and need shelter. They find an [abandoned military base/colonist outpost] filled with these big pink cocoon things. The crew/cast say something about how they must just be a local fungal infection or something and that they should just go to sleep and not worry about them. In the morning, the cocoons all hatch and are filled with these gross, pink, slimy crying baby larva monsters that look like the Michelin Man if he was sponsored by Mary Kay. They all run away, jumping into their vehicles and zoom off into the desert.
The Pink Cocoon Monsters have stuck with my through my life as one of the scariest monsters I've seen.....when I was really young. Can you tell me what movie this is? If you do, I promise to review (or try to) whatever movie you want me to....as long as it's something you'd think I should be reviewing. (Last year's winner suggesting the Punisher films failed. If you're last year's winner and you're reading this, I've lost your email and I totally want you to suggest another movie.)
Edit: A kind man named Jason Grubiak (who is awesome) has told me the movie was "Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone." More on the film later (I think it deserves a review now) but check out what the actual monster looked like. 20 years ago and I still think my memory wasn't that bad.
I'm embarrassed to admit that that makes me happy. Deeply embarrassed. I remember certain things right and others wrong, but man. Way too happy about finding out (finally) what movie they were from.
The Curse II: The Bite
I plan on reviewing this film so I'm not going to say too much right now beyond the plot summary.
Man sees snake. Snake sees radiation. Radioactive snake bites man. Man's hand turns into radioactive snake hand. The End.
The. Movie. Is. AWESOME.
There's a whole world of horror movies out there that just didn't exist a decade ago. Sure, there were movies that went straight to video, but now, thanks to cheaper and cheaper methods of digital animation, an entire branch of horror that I like to call "Look Mom, I can animate a Monster" has spread like an STD. If you ever go to a rental place and don't just illegally download everything, I'm sure you'll see films like: Mammoth, Sabretooth, Snakehead Terror, King Cobra, Cobra, Python, Komodo, Cobra Versus Python, Python versus Komodo, and many others which contain the "bad actors running from one specific CGI monster." They're usually terrible or at best incredibly cheap and weirdly enough most of them seem to be made-for-TV movies on the Science Fiction Channel. Back on task: Frankenfish is one of these terrible movies, but it's kind of fun and has a monster who's name is incredibly fun to say. And I'm a sucker for painting fish monsters. But you should know that already.
My humblest apologies to the squeamish out there. When coming up with monsters for this years marathon, the "killer crotch" from the movie Teeth just couldn't be denied. Check out the review of it in the Entertainment section if you haven't seen it already and are morbidly curious. You know, because if someone mentioned killer genitalia they'd have my attention, no question.
The Necronomicon (and Terror Toons)
Evil Dead, the film series for which Bruce Campbell was born into, is one of those horror staples that if you don't know it you just can't say you like my favorite holiday. Please enjoy this ink/watercolor Book of the Dead, which seems very happy to see you today. And yes, I burned a book to do the framing.
In other news:
Almost everyone who's stayed at my house for any period of time has been forced to watch this with me as a rite of passage. Now, for Halloween 2008, I introduce the uninitiated into the torture that is Terror Toons. Check it out.
Each year I ask anyone reading this to send me a picture of their Halloween Costume...and I paint it. Click the link to the right here to see what kind of doom that typically entails. This year I'm going to pick my favorite costume (not the best, there's a difference) and send the winner any painting that comes about from this years October festivities. So if you'd like a free painting, send me those pictures. This year, last year, your pet....anything is kosher. And, as always, I'll do my best to paint each and every last one of them. Send you pictures to Jared @ headinjurytheater.com and I'll do my best to not laugh too hard at your Sailor Moon outfit.
Previous Years of Halloweening...lots of art, articles, and fun costumes. Not to mention some pumpkins I carved.
Copyright 2006 jared von hindman, except for those Guild Wars images which are used here for comparison purposes and are the property of NCSoft. If you're NCsoft, please don't sue. Really.
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