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Welcome to Pornographic Nightmare Fuel, a sick by-product of Head Injury Theater.

A letter from Jared:

 By being on this page, you’ve agreed that you’re of the proper age (in your country) and mindset to view and discuss adult material.  Don’t worry, there’s no porn here…just me talking a hell of a lot about it.

 I’m kind-of shy when it comes to this subject.  Believe it or not, I’ve always had an aversion to pornography… When I did see an adult film, it was with a group for comedic reasons, if you can believe that.  You haven’t lived until you’ve laughed your ass off at what someone apparently thought was “sexy.”    I enjoy pornography in the same manner that I enjoy bad movies:  It’s a huge industry that has created so much hilarious crap that you can’t take it seriously…you know, like Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh and Waterworld.  I’m here to talk about the crappy, amazing, horrible poop that’s been in porn for years that you might have missed.  Weird porn is a passion for me.  God, that’s a weird statement to make.  By the way, this page is pseudo-safe for work:  No nudity just a bit of Porn Cinema being discussed.  

Updated rarely because otherwise I feel dirty.  Latest update was March 15th.  30 new entries added, including Real Dolls, Edward Penishands, Ron Jeremy, The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio, and much more.  Also, some older entries were given new cartoons to go along with them (1st person PoV and Mime Sex).

Shall we begin? (Images that may not be safe for work are labeled as NSFW? below the picture, though they still do not contain any nudity.)

 

Alice in Wonderland (1976)

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum DO each other, the Mad Hatter Blowjob riddle, only strippers can put Humpty Dumpty together again, Alice having sex with all the woodland creatures:  One of my favorite childhood stories completely and absolutely defiled.

 

For the love of God, why?  This is an honest-to-goodness porno retelling of the classic Lewis Caroll story.  It's got Alice chasing the white rabbit...from there it goes downhill.  Alice runs into a bunch of people in furry costumes (who she has sex with), gives a blowjob to the Mad hatter, watches Tweedle Dee and Dumb (brother and sister, not brother and brother thankfully) have sex, and, well, survives this adult Wonderland.  What's most scary is the fact that the dialogue is relatively close in rhyme and meter to the original book....except it's about sex.  I wish I could say this would be the only childhood classic destroyed through pornography...but that's the furthest thing from the truth.  Let's continue, please, as I'm still having flashbacks of Alice being "licked clean" by men and women dressed as chipmunks.   I almost forgot to point out that this one was a musical.  Almost.
Ava Devine

Far Too Happy to do Anything

(NSFW?)

First things first.  Very few porn stars are going to be presented here on the list because, to be honest, most porn stars aren't that interesting.  Ava Devine is a whole other matter.  In a world where actresses simply lie back, say a few filthy things, and try to not get it in their eyes, Ava is oddly unique.  By unique, I mean that she can actually act.  Whatever they're paying her, it's apparently enough to make her be very, very happy about whatever she's doing.  It's downright eerie.  "I want to piss in your mouth!"  Ava's response:  "Holy shit Yeah I love that!  Make sure to get it in my eyes too!"  "I want you to have sex with this midget."  Ava's response:  "Hell yes! Jerking off midgets is what I get up for each morning!"  It's one thing for a porn actress to get into a role, it's a complete other thing for someone to be so god-damn cheery about everything.   If a porno has a plot, you can bet that Ava will dive into it and ask for her character's motivation.    Which is weird, because Ava's got to be the only person who cares about the plot.
Babylon (1999)

Porn of Narnia, the scariest shot of a vagina ever, Jeanna Fine explodes

In the classic narrative style of Narnia or maybe even the Neverending Story, a poor girl with an abusive mother is teleported to a magical realm by jumping into her pool while wearing a thong.  Only instead of elves and trolls all over the place, it's anal penetration.  Jeanna Fine plays the evil queen who visits the gynecologist of the realm and, well, yeah.  There's some camera work involving a fake vagina that I'd rather not talk about (but I will show you...look to the left).  In the end Jeanna is defeated by being fucked by a machine (see Fucking Machines) until she explodes...literally.  This happens after a half dozen interns throw dildos at her from off-camera.  Truly a magical film. Or something like that.
Best Breasts in the West (2003)

Why was this film made?  Six words:  Topless Horseback Riding in Slow Motion.

Slow motion topless horseback riding.  It's like the opening sequence of Baywatch....only, well, topless and, um, on horses.  When they cast this film, they wanted to go for realism.  As such, they chose only women with breasts bigger than their heads...just like it was way back in the Ol' West.  I swear.
Big Sausage Pizza

Would you like extra cock on your pizza?

There's nothing quite like the porn plot device "Let's have sex with the pizza delivery boy" being taken to the next bizarre level.  Sure, the "Big Sausage Pizza" porn series is just another video series where women have to survived the assault of a fleshy baseball bat but the fact that they choose to unveil it LITERALLY as a pizza topping frightens me.  Also it makes me wonder if anyone actually ate that pizza after the camera stopped rolling.  Gah.
Breasts:  The Bigger the Better?

(NSFW?)

Huge breasts have always been a staple of the Porno industry.  Breast implants are rampant and a lot of actresses who would usually just be labeled as "fat" aren't, solely because their extra weight gave them large breasts, or as a friend would put it, "big ol' titties."  But, you really can't imagine the lengths that some people have gone to make sure they had the biggest breasts in the world.  Huge fake breasts is one thing, but well, take Dixie Dynamite (aka Leanna Foxxx) as an example.  Instead of getting implants, she performs in porn with GIANT PAPER MACHE breasts strapped to her chest.  You can't even pretend that they're real...it's awesome.  What's also good to know is that when a porn star has big breasts, she usually likes to make sure people know it.  For Example:  Penelope Pumpkins, Melissa Mounds, Twin Peaks, Kayla Kleevage, Lotta Topp, Betty Boobs.  Can you guess what their best feature might be?  If you guess their winning smile and hygiene, you might be correct.  But, I doubt it.
Cafe Flesh (1982)

Post Apocalyptic Porn, sex with an anthropomorphic Rat/Milk-man, Pencil sex (not what you think), radioactive mutants

  

(NSFW?)

There really isn't enough post-apocalyptic pornography out there.  This one takes place "after the bomb," where only 1% of the population can have sex.  The rest of the population dresses like members of the Cure (dangerously gothy) and watches people have sex in the "Cafe Flesh."  Now I'll tell you, these people who can't have sex and can only watch are doubly screwed.  First off, they can't have sex.  Fine, that's a given.  More importantly, the sex they have to watch is so FREAKING bizarre that it'll make your head explode.  Take the first sex scene for example:  A housewife sits with her three cavemen zombie babies (see picture below) until the milkman shows up and they have sex.  Did I mention that the milkman is a man in a giant rat costume?  Think that's weird?  You haven't lived until you've seen a man dressed as a pencil have sex with his secretary.  It goes downhill from there, what with the club's announcer, Pez D. Spencer, dressing like a clown before radioactive mutants rip him apart.  Gah.
Cafe Flesh 2 (1998)

More Post Apocalyptic porn, aliens, sex with a anthropomorphic Bull, a disembodied brain, sex with MIMES

  

  

I don't know what to say.  Let me just run the plot by you:  It's just like Cafe Flesh the original, only the club's not doing so well (which is no surprise, because the first scene has a girl being banged my MIMES, for Christ's sake).  The owner fixes that by thawing out a girl who was frozen and can thereby have sex and making a deal with a crime lord who's nothing but a GIANT BRAIN in a fish tank.  There's a scene where two people have sex while an alien watches and takes notes as well as the final sex scene where people have crazy sex....after being wed by a Giant Brain (the minister of the ceremony) and electrocuting two goth women.  Brought to you by Antonio Passolini, the potential king of weird, weird artsy porn.  Remember to stay for the end credits where Kitten Navidad (the main actress in Zombie Gangbang)  go-go dances while they play stock footage of nuclear explosions in the background.  Oh yeah, and remember those mimes I mentioned?  They have whole pantomime routines that revolve around their junk.  Oh. My. God.
Captain Mongo's Porno Playhouse (2000)

Sock puppets, pirate midgets, Fucko the Clown:  it's the Peewee's Playhouse of Porn!

You don't know how much I wish I had pictures to show you of this one.  The whole thing is set up like Peewee's Playhouse, with a pirate named Mongo introducing the clips.  It's really, really strange.  There's a French instructional video about anal sex that's subtitled in English....poorly.  There's a sock puppet who tells stories.  There's a midget, and last but not least, a clown by the name of Fucko.  He's got a theme song too:  "Who's that clown with his pants hanging down, it's Fucko.....FuCKOOOO!"  What makes this film not only bizarre but completely unerotic is the editing.  There are a lot of blue screen effects, like while there's a close up of some girl's vagina, Captain Mongo walks in, looks in the background (at the "giant" vagina") and runs away screaming.  A cigar smoking clown's face appears on the screen whenever it's time for anal sex.  Clips of Fruit Loops cereal are randomly spliced into hardcore porn scenes.  I tell you, this is the best movie ever. 
Chatterbox (1977)

The best talking vagina movie in the WORLD

I think the movie's plot synopsis sums up what's going on here best:  A young woman who works in a beauty parlor discovers that her vagina can talk, which causes her no end of trouble.  It's more of a comedy than a porn, but, well, most people would call a film about a talking vagina "adult."   Then again, the brother film "Me and Him" (1988), which is about a talking penis, is considered a pure comedy.  I guess vaginas are just more pornographic than penises.  Go figure.  Still, can you imagine a sequel to both movies where the talking genitalia meet?  :shudder:  Me neither.
 
Chunky Hallow's Eve

"I see Fat People."

  

There's a lot to be said about porn that chooses a gimmick and runs with it.  Then again, there's a lot to be said about a lot of things.  Most interesting about this one (besides the fact that fat girls apparently all dress up as Pigs for Halloween) is the 1st scene where the male lead summons the spirit of a recently murdered porn actress (in real life) so he can have sex with her.  Just so you understand how spooky that is, imagine if someone in a porno summoned the spirit of JFK and Mother Teresa just so that they could have a three-way with them.  See what I mean?  Women in porn get no respect even AFTER their dead.  Of course, considering the shelf-life of most videos, this isn't anything new. 
Chunky Tunas & the S.S. Anorexia (2003)

Confused Lesbians of All Sizes

This has to be one of the best titled pornos ever.  Look at the title.  That's another way of them saying this film's all about fat women having lesbian sex with really really skinny girls.   There are two things of note.  1:  The porno is filled with bad movie references.  With "fat girl/skinny girl" remakes of "From Here to Eternity", "Scream", and "I know what you Did last Summer".  For that last one, it's awesome....A chubby woman is eating a sandwich when a girl dressed as the Gordon's fisherman comes in wielding a dildo.  Bizarre.  2:  This porn was obviously produced/sponsored by a distributor of adult toys.  So, I guess it's good advertising, but there's a problem.  The toys obviously suck, because the porn stars don't know what to do with them.  As in, there's extra bulbs, wires, and prongs that seem to confuse the stars to the point of giving up on the idea of sex altogether.  It somehow reminds me of when I got a "sex kit" for a birthday.  While I could recognize most of the toys, to this day I'm still not sure what the rubber unicorn was meant for.  But I digress.
Clothing Optional

I don't know why, but I've always had a thing for fooling around while still being dressed.  Maybe it's just the urgency or maybe it just reminds me of passionate but awkward moments in my Mom's car when I got to borrow it for a date (may she never ask me about the stains).  The thing is, a lot of people out there must have a similar thing because there are all sorts of pornos out there where the "actors" keep their clothes on for most of the scene.  Then again, having a full-blown "fully dressed" fetish sounds kind of weird to quantify.  I mean, wouldn't that mean that normal movies would become your pornos?  I really don't know.  What I do know is that sex while fully dressed is always dangerous.  I won't go into too much detail, but sweet mother of CHRIST zippers can hurt if they chafe you the wrong way.
Clown Porn

Afraid of Clowns?  You will be.

(NSFW?)

What possesses someone to produce Clown Porn?  I'd like to think it was a dare, but far too much production value when into this scary, scary adult film that's simply called "Clown Porn."  From ejaculating mimes to overweight farting clowns having sex with teenagers to erotic pies to the face, this film will literally make you understand why so many people are afraid of clowns.  I wish I could say more, but check out those pictures.  Talk about nightmare fuel.
Cosplay!

Don't even pretend you don't go home and have sex in that costume.  Don't even pretend.

While Cosplay isn't pornographic unto itself, the erotic aspect of it is why I'm really uncomfortable with the whole scene.  For those not "in the know", it pretty much refers to special events where people show up dressed as their favorite anime/videogame character and enjoy the event.  The problem is that you can't help but realize that whoever that is in the Mario costume has already or is planning on having really kinky sex with the guy/girl in the Princess Toadstool outfit.  Sure, Cosplay isn't sexual unto itself, but the whole roleplaying fantasy part of it, particularly in the bedroom, is something I don't want to think about.  Really.  On a side note, Megaman (pictured to the left) should NOT have breasts and be wearing panties.  It's far too confusing and shakes my fragile belief system to its core. 
Dead Porn Stars

"Getting you off from beyond the GRAVE!"

CLICK HERE FOR MORBID FUN FACTS!

Whether you're just curious or have some sort of sick perversion that makes it so you can only become aroused by dead porn stars, it's always kind of interesting to read the myriad of ways that porn stars die.  The "RAME" people have been keeping track and while the list has a LOT of gay porn stars dying of Aids, it's still a pretty surreal list.  My favorite has to be Nozomi Momoi a Japanese porn star that was murdered as part of a bizarre religious cult...or so they say.  Check out the page if strange and morbid dramas (and porn) are your fancy.
Deep Throat (1972)

The INFAMOUS Porno/Comedy/Musical

       (NSFW?)

This has got to be one of the funniest pornos out there.  Why?  Reason 1:  The "plot":  a woman can't find satisfaction until a doctor discovers her clitoris is in her throat.  For the love of God, if I was a doctor who wanted to have more oral sex with his patients, I'd make the same diagnosis on people all over the place.  Reason 2:  It's a freakin' musical.  There are really not enough "musical" pornos out there.  For those playing at home, the best song has to be the "jealous nurse" song.
Demi Marx

The Girl Who Really Doesn't Like Sex

Not all porn stars act like they enjoy sex.  However, very few porn stars act like they hate it.  Demi Marx is never happy to have sex.  Sure, she's as enthusiastic as the next actress, but when it comes to the actual sex, she cries (unhappy crying as opposed to Oh MY GOD YEAH crying) and makes the most unpleasant faces ever.  Demi Marx is a pretty good example of someone who's doing this for the money, despite not enjoying it at ALL, and it shows.  Read the Meatholes review to hear more about how, in some way, she confesses that her life has gone downhill and she doesn't want to be a porn star.  Of course, I can't give her too much sympathy...I mean she's been in over 45 pornos in the past two years.  Either Demi's an AMAZING actress, or she really just needs the money THAT badly.
Denny's:  A Porn Story involving Asia Carrera Me and my lady were eating dinner at Denny's (the social hub of any metropolitan area), and somehow ended up striking a conversation up with the girls sitting at the table next to us.  At some point, one of the girls (who was Vietnamese) mentioned how her boyfriend says she looks like Asia Carrera.  To make a long story short, we all immediately went out to discover if this was true, since none of us knew.  So here I am with three ladies, two that I don't know and one that's having sex with me on a regular basis....in a porn store looking for porn we're going to go home and watch together.  It so was like a bad porno plot.  We ended up renting "Sloppy Asians 5" with Asia Carrera.  The porno was hilarious, what with one Asian women in broken English screaming about how her crotch was "So Hot! So Hot! So Hot!" as she adjusted her green fright wig.  In the end, we found out our new friend looked NOTHING like Asia Carrera, and her boyfriend apparently watched a lot of porn AND thought all Asians look the same.  We ended up keeping one of the girls as a friend...we never spoke to "Asia Carrera" again.
Dirty Harry:

The scariest man in pornography (as per me)

Everyone knows about Ron Jeremy....but have you ever had the horror of seeing Dirty Harry on screen?  If God loves you, the answer is no.  For the rest of us cursed to damnation, we will never forget what we saw.  Dirty Harry is this old scary guy who's sole purpose in pornography is to either a) deface women by making them have sex with him (he's that scary) or b) play the dirty old man, because he is, after all, both old AND dirty.  Dirty Harry is one of the porn stars that will haunt your nightmares.  Remember kids:  If you see the name on the box you KNOW it's Nightmare Fuel!

A Dirty Western (1975)

Cowboy porn, Little Rape on the Prairie

A western, complete with horses, dirty prospectors, and pirate convicts, is exactly what this is.   While this one's shot to look a hell of a lot like Bonanza, this is not the only porno western out there by any stretch of the imagination.  What is note-worthy is how the plot revolves around some filthy, FILTHY carpet-baggers who just can't stop raping the wives of the farmhands while they're away.  Explains why chastity belts may have been popular.
Drugs Make Porno FUN!

If you watch enough porn, you start to notice subtle and not so subtle hints to heavy drug use.  From watching a guy snort cocaine off a girls back to hitting a bong to just smoking a joint while going at it, porn sets really capture that "trashy" feel that your more conservative adult film is lacking.  In an industry where you have to double and triple check the age of the people involved, I find it hilarious that drug use is not only overt, but it's over on-screen quite frequently.  Then again, I find a lot of things hilarious, so maybe I'm not the best judge of such things.
Edward Penishands

(NSFW?)(NSFW?)(NSFW?)(NSFW?)(NSFW?)!!!!

Most pornos that satirize or simply rip off a Hollywood movie usually don't try very hard.  Beetlejism, the erotic version of Beetlejuice, is just an erotic ghost story and had nothing to do with Tim Burton's film.  Edward Penishands, however, is close enough to the original film (at least in structure) that Tim Burton's had to cry when he saw it.  They even recreated the "snow" scene where Edward Scissorhands cuts the ice sculpture so quickly it snows.  In Edward Penishands they create a similar effect, but, well, it's not snow.  At all.  This film is also interesting to show people who don't believe that fake peni are used on a regular basis in adult films.  Edward's hands are disturbingly realistic for hand-mounted genitalia, and the fact that they, um, "climax" just like the real thing is about as disturbing to watch as you can imagine.  
The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio

 

Nothing quite kills my will to live quite like watching erotic versions of classic children's tales.  Speaking of which, there's a very special reason why there's not an entry for the porn version of "Snow White and the 7 dwarves."  It's because we both know what the film contains.  By the by, the tagline for the Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio is this:  "It's not his nose that grows."  Gah.
Fat Guy in Background Eating a Sandwich

(NSFW?)

A porn shoot is a job.  The actress is there to perform, the camera guy's got to be ready, and well the fluffer's got to make sure his/her mouth is prepped.  Just like any normal film shoot (which I do know about professionally) food is an important factor.  People get hungry and thirsty and if you don't have these things people get upset really quickly.  So the general solution is a buffet.  Apparently, the same is true in pornography, because it's far too common to see some fat bastard in the background making a sandwich.  He's not part of the story, and it's not a "behind the scenes' thing...tubby just walks on screen so he can make a sandwich.  Wow.  Note to self:  If you're shooting a porno, do not set the buffet table up in the place you plan on shooting the reverse cowgirl scene. 
Fetishism (paper bags, fetish guy, foot?)

(NSFW?)

Instead of attacking fetishists everywhere, all I will say is that if you have a fetish, it means you CAN'T HAVE SEX unless you fulfill that fetish.  It doesn't not mean "hey, I really like that" or "hey honey, can we try that again?"  If you have a fetish, you have a problem.  Now a kink, that's something altogether fine.  Just to review, my kink is people who are fully dressed.  That's why my close friends usually take their clothes off the moment they come in....so that nothing awkward happens.  Of course I'm joking, but yeah.  There are some weird kinks out there.  Weird fetishes too, but we don't like to point out people's sexual aberrations, now do we?
First Person Perspective Pornography

What the hell is it with the recent uprising of "first person perspective" pornos, where the man having sex is also the one holding the camera?  Besides the fact that the camera can do nothing but bounce all over the place while he's having sex, the whole thing is just plain creepy.  Women look at the camera....I understand that...but just the image of a guy stretching his arm and raising his leg so he can get a good shot of himself is....unnerving somehow.  Maybe I'm weird.  Let's move the hell on.
Flesh Gordon

(NSFW?)

There really needs to be more hardcore science fiction musicals in the world.  Of course, I'm not saying there needs to be more films like Flesh Gordon....just that it would be nice to see ANOTHER hardcore science fiction musical that didn't make me weep tears of despair after watching it.  Seriously though, Flesh Gordon is surprisingly still entertaining, despite how old it is.  Check it out if you have the chance.  Fans of the official "Flash Gordon" movie (aaaaaAAAAAA, thank you Queen) will be surprised to learn that this film came out first and that it's success actually helped herald in the big-budget Hollywood version.  Go figure.
Forever Night (1998)

Hot Demon Sex

 

Michael Ninn brings you an extremely artsy Victorian-style film.  It's very artsy (as are most of Ninn's films).  Despite being filled with trick lighting, fog, and what not all over the place, it doesn't stop you from realizing you're watching a Victorian woman have kinky sex with a man dressed as a demon.  As in, he's in cosmetic make-up that makes him look some sort of demonic pig...complete with a tail that flails while he's having sex.  Watching normal male porn stars is usually hard enough...but having to watch a man pretending to be a Satanic Ernest Borgnine is pretty rough.  For some reason, I felt like I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fan-Fiction while watching this, I just don't know why.
Fucking Machines:  a Porn Series

Women have sex with machines your perverted shop teacher would have made

I think that Ava Devine put it best:  "All women fantasize about having sex with robots."  Fucking Machines is a series where industrial machinery (like a jackhammer) is outfitted with a rubber dildo and they film porn stars using the devices.  What's even more scary is the fact that you can BUY these machines to use in your own home.  I don't know about you, but I would be hesitant to use a masturbatory device that makes more noise then a chainsaw but has the same parts.  Someone took shop class WAY too seriously.
German Prostitution Fun Facts! Did you know that the prostitutes here in Germany are unionized?  In fact, last year they went on strike to get a better medical package.  If the idea of a "Hooker's Union Strike" doesn't melt your brain, I don't know what will.

On a related note, since prostitutes are legal here, they wear uniforms so you can tell who's union and who's an "illegal" prostitute.  Their uniform?  They dress like Britney Spears...with puffy jacket zipped half-way, thigh-high boots, and big badges identifying them as union.  While I don't visit prostitutes, they're all over Berlin and when I first moved here I had to ask why all the women on this street dressed alike.  By the way, on the day that I sat down to type the "Pornographic Nightmare Fuel" project, I was accosted by an "illegal" prostitute on my way home.  By accosted, I mean a Turkish man lurking in a dark doorway beckoned me closer with the enchanting line:  "You like Bitch?" 

Germany's Home Shopping Network

  

(NSFW?)

It should totally blow your mind that the Home Shopping Network in Germany and Austria turns into a porn channel at 10 or 11 every night.  The content is random, from a woman stripping while reading the story of the three little pigs to a 18 year-old experiencing "backdoor pleasure" vividly on your television to a woman repeatedly rubbing her disturbingly large and saggy breasts against the glass of a telephone booth to nude bowling.  Europe is so awesome sometimes.
Goofy Facial Expressions

One day I may have to put up a gallery to the stupid expressions people make during sex (or when "posing" for sex) because I can't imagine anyone on the planet finding these looks sexy.  Then again, maybe I'm missing the point by looking at their face.  Stupid, stupid me.
Goofy Porn Names

(and how to create your own)

There are some really great porn names out there.  Oddly enough, most of the porn stars in the 1960's and 70's had fairly normal names.  It wasn't until the amateur explosion following the proliferation of home video that porn stars with terrible terrible tacky-ass names started spreading across the globe.  James Bond had Pussy Galore, but the porn industry wins.  If I've missed an amazing one, let me know.  Some personal favorites:  Cherry Poppins, Nefertitty, Vanessa Bazoomz, Chantz Fortune (clever, right?), Kimberly Kupps, De Ja Vou, Whett Cherry, Stryc-9 (I too like my porn stars to be named after poisons..that includes stars Poison Ivy and oddly enough Ivy Poison who are different people), Scarlet Fever, Monica Blewinski (!!!), Carrot Crotch (isn't that charming?...ick), Buster Good, Polly Ester, Curt Crotchkiss, Gail Force, King Cum, Cumswalla, Cathy Cumshot, Candy RoXXX, Candy Cotton, Buster Cherry, 2 Pretty 4 Porn, and far too many more. 

As a bonus, here's how to create your very own goofy porn name:  What was the name of your first pet?  That's your first name.  What was the name of the street that you first lived on?  That's your last name.  Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't.  All I know is that my porn name is apparently "Buffy Belmont."  I guess that works if I'm a gay porn star, right?

GGG/666 productions

Those wacky Germans

If you've seen a film from GGG you'd remember it.  While a lot of American porn will have a few gangbang scenes with some more isolated sex scenes interspersed, GGG productions has a whole different strategy.  In what is best called the "shotgun" approach, GGG films lots of pornos in the same room on the same day.  So it's a lot of women working what has to be the longest day of their lives while multiple camera men chase them around the place.  It's really weird watching a porno where there are like 10 other couples having sex in the background.  Also be warned:  because it's German the stars have the unfortunate habit of just randomly peeing  and throwing up on one another.  Ick.
Gothic Sex

(NSFW?)

While there's not much to say about Gothic sex, I'm just waiting for the day when "Emo Porn" starts coming out.  It'll be great:  The girl sits there cutting herself, the guy comes in because he's run out of tissues, they roll around on each other until they climax bitter tears before running off to write about it in their Livejournals.  That would be awesome.
Grand Theft Auto?

All I can say is that if Sony started using porn stars in their Playstation 3 advertisements, they'd totally take over the world.  "Grand Theft Auto:  Apocalypse is so hardcore that ladies will suck you just to be near it.  The game's that cool!  Get Laid today!"
Holy CRAP that's offensive (shame and karma)

   

I know I'm one of those "sensitive New Age guys" (like the song?) when I keep wanting to say I feel bad for the young ladies of porn.  It's funny how badly a director can treat his star once he's paid her for rough sex or whatever.  The logic has to be something like "Well, I've paid her to do something really dirty, so nothing else really matters I guess."  Not to moralize (because we all know pages informing you about and mocking porn are not good platforms for it) but I still can't fathom some of the crap these girls have to listen to.  This ties into the Demi Marx thing again (see above and the Meatholes entry below) because men seem to enjoy women as objects.  I'll shut up now, but I feel there needed to be a place on this page where I confessed how screwed up porn gets.  That second cartoon on the left is a pretty good example of what I mean.  Bah.
Japan:  What the HELL?

 

I don't even try to understand the Japanese definition of eroticism.  Really.  I don't even try.
Jeanna Fine

Cigar-smoking, trash-talking scary, scary woman

She curses like a sailor.  She smokes cigars.  She has no gag reflex.  She fakes violent orgasms while hitting you. What is there not to be afraid of?  Jeanna Fine is practically a "character actor" of pornography.  While still a normal porn star, it seems the artsy directors (Ninn, Passolini) go straight to her when they need a scary strong woman who hurts men and talks dirty.  From evil queens to jealous wives who beat up their husband's mistress to sluts who swallow men's souls through their genitalia, Jeanna Fine has somehow carved a niche for herself.  I really don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
Karma Rosenberg

Don't ask me how a Russian porn actress who can barely speak English got the surname of "Rosenberg".  Maybe Russia is more multicultural than I thought it was.  Nevertheless, Karma needs to be highlighted on this page as she is the only porn star to casually insult whichever guy she's with by calling his penis small.  It's not a kinky "oh you're penis is small you better make me feel it" kind of think...oh no.  This is a "your penis is too small, I'm bored now" thing. There's not much notable about Karma Rosenberg, but you have to give kudos to any porn star who's career seems to involve insulting penis size whenever she's not doing the humpty hump.
Lesbian Porn I just don't enjoy lesbian porn.  As a male, this is a sure sign that something is seriously wrong with me.  Personally, I think the male fascination with lesbian porn is based off this premise:  Two women making out is one step closer to me having sex with both of them.  If you watch porn, any male who interrupts two lesbians is in for the time of his life.  Speaking about reality for a moment, I know a lot of men who don't consider it cheating if his wife/girlfrined goes and has sex with another woman.  Maybe it's because there's no penis to be jealous of, or maybe it's something else entirely:

"Sure honey, I'd love to watch you making out with your lesbian friend....really I would. Should I call her for you? Here's the number. Oh, oops I seem to have spilled whipped cream all over the kitchen floor. Maybe, since you've already got her number and the phone :hands phone: you should call her and ask if she wants to come over and clean it up with you...while you're wearing your special cleaning outfit :hands over french maid duds: Are you ok honey? Why don't I call her for you? Dear? Dear?"

Meatholes:  a porn series

Mean Boys make Porn Stars cry & make me ashamed to be male.

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What the hell can I say about the Meatholes series?  First off, let me tell you what it is:  A few guys (very amateurish) buy a porn star for an hour and have sex with her.  There are no people dressed as clowns or anything "weird" like that.  Doesn't sound too terrible right?  The problem is, they have an interview before hand where they really, really treat the poor girl like crap.  I'm not talking "Oh MY GOD you're such a filthy dirty whore" kind of crap.  I'm talking about things like "So, college didn't work out so well, so that's why you'll have sex with us for money, right?" or "Man, your life must really be down the tubes if you're going to let us do this to you."  Their goal is to piss off/offend the porn star.  Some of them can handle it; other's can't.  They make Demi Marx shed tears to the point where they break character and ask her if they should stop for a while.  Of course, at the end of it there's this bit of dialogue:  "Amy (they're using her real name) didn't want to be a porn star when she grew up, did she?"  Between sobs, she answers no.  It's heartbreaking.  Gah.  Other strategies to make the unfortunate women feel worse include making them have sex with Dirty Harry.  If you don't know who that is, just imagine a 70-year old crackhead/old man and your mental image is probably pretty close.  Oh, and just to show how charming this series is, in one episode Kativa has to tell Dirty Harry to "stop touching her rash."  :shudder:  Women crying, Dirty Harry, surprise midget sex, women talking about their "rashes" during sex....I don't know what else to say.
Mega-Boob Olympics

Watch the Swedish team this year.

  

While I've already confessed my feelings towards Lesbian porn, I have to point this spectacular film out only because it has events I only WISH I saw in the Olympics.  Sure, there's your "how long can they touch themselves in the shower" marathons, but pay close attention to "nude jumping jacks", "naked gymnastics", and most notably NAKED LESBIAN TWISTER.  I don't really need to say anything else, do I?
Mime Sex

What's funny is how they don't make any sound during sex either

  

I really don't understand why having sex with mimes is so common.  Now, clown sex is all over the place (which is scary in its own right), but the fact that there are any number of films where women and men are dressed as mimes, doing all sorts of things, is just unnerving.  Is it a French thing?  Is it a satire of how people in pornos rarely talk anyway?  Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this.
Mislabelled Porno/Normal Women in Porn

The trouble with women not on the Heroin diet

There are really two types of mislabeled pornos.  The first kind is where the name of the porn is supposed to be similar to something else...so it gets rented by mistake.  As lame as it sounds, the film "Anytime, Anypkace" actually exists.  More interesting is the 2nd type of porno, where you realize how simply screwed up the industry is.  Here's where they have a porno labelled "Chunky Fat Bitches" (or something explicit) and the women are completely normal.  I'm not talking about them being slightly chubby....they're just not as anorexic as a large number of porn stars are.  So there's a lot of porn stars being called fat that aren't.  It's kind of how the majority of women who play "overweight women" on television or in movies aren't fat at all...they're just normal.  For proof of this watch the film Valentine (the "fat" girl isn't) or the running gags about Renee Zellweger or Jennifer Tilly being fat.  But I digress.  A page about pornography isn't the right place to start ranting about social perceptions.  Gah.
Nerdy Girls are Hot

Are you a woman (or girl) who wears glasses, reads a lot, and is really shy?  I hate to tell you this but about 90% of the men around you are fantasizing about corrupting your innocence at this very moment.  Just thought I should warn you.  (If you'd like to meet so I can give you more helpful advice email me at Imtotallygoingtostalkyou@yahoo.com)
New Wave Hookers 1-7 (1985-2003)

One of the weirdest film series out there

 

Currently there are 7 films in the New Wave Hooker series.  What is New Wave Hookers?  NWH is a series of films that revolves around bizarro sex, and, well....that's about it.  While not all of it is completely strange, there's at least one really weird/memorable scene in each one.  NWH #1:  Two guys become pimps and have sex on a merry-go-round.  Somewhere in there Traci Lords plays THE Devil and seduces an angel.  Who knew the Devil liked it rough in the butt?  NWH #2:  A woman somehow gets involved in a brainwashing/mind control sex cult.  Most memorable is the fact that said woman has to service is a man who's fetish is pretending he's a lamp.  I'm not kidding.  NWH #3:  Similar to the third one, here a girl needs to be deprogrammed from her whorish ways.  Somewhere along the way two women have sex with men dressed as ducks with feather dusters.  I would post a picture, but I'd have to censor so much of it...which makes the scene all the more disturbing.  NWH #4:  This one's weird because it revolves around a crazy overweight man in thick glasses talking about eroticism.  Whatever he talks about happens....such as the clown gangbang at the beginning of the film as well as the later scene where a man who's supposed to be a dog fucks a French maid.  Wow.  NWH #5:  Michael Ninn, bizarro porn artist, took over the series for this one.  It's about a machine that makes erotic fantasies real.  Besides MORE clown sex being involved, we have Ron Jeremy playing the Mask (Jim Carrey's old film, remember?). There's also a scene where a woman gets faciallized by a man and his 4 clones.  So freaking weird.  NWH #6:  Antonio Passolini, the OTHER bizarro porn artist, takes over the series for the last two films.  Part six is kind of standard, despite the fact that electronic midgets rule the afterlife.  A woman kills herself and must have lots of sex to learn the error of her ways.  Oddly enough, it's a porn with character development.  Weird.  NWH #7:  Holy crap.  There's no way to really describe this movie.  Despite having mostly normal sex in it, this one's the weirdest.  Maybe it's the fact that there's a woman whipping a man in a chicken suit.  Maybe it's the fact that alien invaders are Asians that want good sex.  Maybe it's the fact that there's old stock footage dubbed over so that a monster movie seems to be about a monstrous vagina attacking the city.  Or maybe I've just had to sit through far too many New Wave Hookers films.  I'm out.
The Nun (1920)

vintage porn will give you nightmares

Cinema’s always been about voyeurism.  In fact, some of the first films EVER could ONLY be considered pornography.  The Nun, though not the first porno by a long shot, shows us exactly why pornography exists.  Sure, there's lots of porn, but there's also a lot of footage of women going to the bathroom and other such unpleasantness.  This may be the grossest thing I've ever seen, if only for watching 8mm black-and-white footage of hairy women peeing into buckets. 

Ozporns (2002)

Ozzy Osbourne's show, only it's porn.  (duh)

Yet another example of making something wholesome and mainstream into something best described as goofy hardcore porn.  Ok, maybe Ozzy's show isn't that wholesome, but it doesn't have midgets running around naked like this one does.  Yes, this film does indeed have an Ozzy Osbourne lookalike hunting midgets in his backyard.  Besides that, there's nothing too strange here, except for a guy that looks and sounds for all the world like the actual guy.
Pimp (2003)

Hot Midget Pimping Action

No, this is not a film about a pimp who only handles hookers who are midgets (that's another film).  Here, a  midget pimp has sex with all his bitches.  Note the fact that the midget does not remove his headwear, as his hugely misshapen skull will only give you nightmares. I'm not knocking midgets, I'm just saying that the director of this particular porn was well aware of the nightmare-inducing quality of its star's skull.
Plot Cliche:  The Pinochio effect

Rule of Porno:  If an inflatable doll shows up, there is an 85% chance that it will come to life and have sex with you.  I don't know if this is a marketing campaign for inflatable sex dolls or what, but if it is, it's a pretty good one.
Pornos always have the best Titles Part 1:

The Joke Titles

It's true.  A large chunk of the porno industry is about coming up with a clever title that gets people's attention.  It seems there are two ways to really accomplish this.  The first way is to make a title so ridiculous you shoot milk out your nose.  Here's a short list that I'll add more if anyone sends me a particularly good one.  They're all real too.  Can you imagine that they actually made:  San Fernando Jones & the Temple of Poon, Snatch Adams, Thighs & Dolls, The Screwman Show, The Joy Suck Club, GerANALmo, Handjobs across America, The Sopornos, Tight Club, Lust in Space, Whore of the Worlds, ANALyze These, "Girth, Wind, & Fire", Dong with the Wind, Fresh Tits of Bel-Air, Fatliners, "Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy", and many, many more.
Pornos always have the best Titles Part 2:

The Far Too Honest Titles

The other type of porn title is really the dominant one.  Here, the film's titled by whatever the hell's in it.  If there are a lot of black women having sex in the ass, a potential title could be "A LOT OF BLACK WOMEN HAVING SEX IN THE ASS."  Think I'm kidding?  I think all the following titles are completely clear about what they're about:  Anal Destruction, Big Booty White Girls, Double Dicked, Hot Chicks Little Tits, Jam it up my Ass, Naughty Teens Who Love it in the Ass, Strap-On Bitches in Training, Tongue Fuck My Ass Slave, All Ass Orgy, etc.  It's really easy and immediately clear exactly what the film's about.  Can you imagine if Hollywood's films started to be titled like that?  We'd see movies in theaters called "Bang Bang Boobs Action" or "Christina Ricci Takes her Top off 15 Minutes into the film" or just "Computer Generated Dinosaurs".  Sure, it's less interesting, but we'd be fooled less often.  The movie "Collateral," for example, would just be called "Slow Moving Drama With Very Little Action."
Props in Porn Maybe actually working on film set has my mind in the wrong place, but am I the only one who wonders where the HELL some of these props come from?  By props I'm not talking about dildos and inflatable sheep....I'm talking about the stuffed animals on the bed or the giant George Washington head strategically placed next to the bed.  I mean, do these belong to someone's child?  Did they buy them just for the shoot?  If they do belong to a child, does the child ever get them back?  Can you imagine years later watching a porno and realizing your favorite childhood stuffed animal that you slept with was on the same bed as an 18-year-old being anally penetrated by a midget? 
Rated XXX! Random trivia fact:  There is no such thing as a triple-X rating.  Back in the 60's-70's the X rating was created.  Porn producers wanted to create a hype about their films so they started calling their films XX or XXX....double or triple THE SEX of your standard porn flick.  Sure, it sort of means something today (XXXX is an unoffical rating connected to bestiality and fisting for example), but at the core, it's just a bit of marketing hype.  Did you know they got rid of the X rating in 1990....and replaced it with NC-17?  Also, did you know that there are X rated films that have won Oscars?  In 1969, the film Midnight Cowboy, where Dustin Hoffman plays Jon Voight's pimp, won best picture, best direction, and best screenwriting.  Before you think it's Dustin Hoffman getting sloppy in the sack, just remember:  a lot of films were rated X back then.  Clockwork Orange, for example. 

 

Real Dolls

Just how lonely could you be?

 

There are some people who don't know what a Real Doll is.  You still might not know if you just look at the pictures.  A "Real Doll" is a latex foam doll that is anatomically correct...so that you can dress it up, comb it's hair, and have sex with it's naughty bits when no one else is around.  Did I say "when?"  I'm guessing that is you're willing to pay $6499 for a modern version of an inflatable sex doll (that's the going price for these things right now), you don't really have a lot of regular human contact anyway.  All the images to the left are used for comedic review (thank you Fair Use) and come directly from the official Real Doll website, with the exception of that last one.  THAT particular shot comes from someone's home video.  I really don't want to talk about Real Dolls, but they really do freak me out.  What scares me even more, is that you don't have to buy the whole thing.  I really don't want to know how many people check the "just the crotch, please" box when they filed their order.  Click HERE to see the actual website.  It's not for me and is one of the scariest things online, but hey, they're making real money....so either I'm out of touch or you people are riding your latex sex doll at this very second.
Ron Jeremy

Because every porn tribute page has to mention him at some point.

v(NSFW?)

I don't have much to say about Ron Jeremy.  In fact, he's already been discussed on the site, if you can believe it...and it doesn't have (much) to do with porn.  Click HERE.
The Scary Face Factor! It's hard to talk about the Scary Face Factor without sounding like a terrible person.  But here goes:  In a lot of "theme" porn ("Latinos in Traction" or "White Trash Fatties" for example) there are people cast solely because of their bodies.  Oh hell, in normal porn a lot of people are cast just because of their bodies.  I mean, if you had an extra arm (or were missing one) your porn career would be limited at best.  Yet sometimes someone has a face that could scare the nosehairs off a dead nun but still has a great body.  I only wonder how someone realized this.  I mean, if you look terrible with your clothes on, how is anyone going to think of putting you in a porno in the first place?  Bah.  There's no way to explain the Scary Face Factor without being horrible and hypocritical.  Suffice to say, it's out there and you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
Scat:  The Porn of Nightmares I don't do scat porn.  It's the only type of porn that I couldn't sit through.  What little bit of I did see killed a little part of me that I'll never get back. I guess that means more poop for the people can appreciate it.
Sex Trek:  The Next Penetration (1990)

Boldly Going Where...well, you know.

   

It's a porno version of Star Trek.  That's about it.  It also has about 5 sequels, at this point.  I haven't seen all of them, but I will point out a hardcore Star Trek thing I noticed in the first one.  Does anyone remember the Mugato?  Basically, Captain Kirk has to fight a giant white poisonous gorilla that has a horn on it's head.  Mugato's apparently got quite a geeky online following, so I thought I should point out that he makes a reappearance here in this film.  For the one person who remembers the Mugato out there....he's in a PORNO!  That's just plain weird.  (Porno Mugato is a great alternate lyric for Disco Roboto as well.)
Shock (1996)

Sci-Fi Porn, raped by architecture

A man in a coma has created a magical dream world where he has sex with Jeanna Fine pretending to be Marilyn Monroe.  A doctor gets sucked in and is raped by monsters.  Ok, that's not quite true.  She falls on a rooftop.  Statues of gargoyles, which were pretty realistic, turn out to be men painted to look like gargoyles who want to have sex with her.  The funniest thing about this movie is Ninn's use of make-up and camera tricks.  The men are painted to look like they're made out of stone...when Jeanna Fine is Marylin Monroe she's black and white while the cock she's working on is still in color.  A very artsy porn that's all about virtual reality and other such junk.  Btw, you know those statues I mentioned earlier?  A woman I was with while watching this one couldn't stop laughing at how, while they're all majestic and slow moving (like statue monsters should be), their balls just can't stop jiggling all over the place.  They're also the only part of the guy not painted like "stone" making them even more noticeable. Rewatching it, I can only come to the same conclusion....people pretending to be moving in slow motion should NOT have jiggly balls.  I can't believe I've typed this many sentences about testicles.  Ick.
Spermula

Udo Kier likes the Panties

Udo Kier is a German actor who has appeared in a LOT of Hollywood movies.  From Blade to Barbwire to Blood for Dracula (well, that's not Hollywood but still) to Batman to far too many films to mention, he's no stranger to the perceptive movie goer.  Imagine my surprise when I was given a copy of "Spermula", a film about semen-hungry vampires from space, and found out he was one of the leads.  No, you don't get to see him naked, but sweet mother of Christ he loves to smell dirty panties.
Spring Chickens (2002-2005)

the severe penalties of Chicken Noises

The Spring Chickens series, currently 10 films strong, isn't that weird, sex-wise.  However there are a few things that will "ninja grab you by the face and stab you repeatedly" if you pay attention to what's going on between the penetrations.  First off, the films require their stars to make chicken noises, if not act like chickens themselves.  Not that weird, and thankfully no chicken suits are involved (as was in Microwave Massacre).  However, when one star can't do it, an elderly hippy who I'll just refer to as "Crazy Man" comes and "saves the day."  By saves the day, I mean he hops on the bed, smokes a bowl of pot before attacking the camera making marijuana-induced chicken noises.  I can just imagine someone masturbating to this one.  I, for one, would be made instantly sterile if I was caught touching myself while this guy was on the screen.  Gah.  Also of note is the scene where one actress with, shall we say, extremely large labial lips uses them like a tiny puppet to make clucking noises.  Of course, she does this after tying them into the most nightmarish bow you'll ever see. 
Star Wars tribute:  Sex Wars (1985) Look, if they made a Star Trek porno you HAD to know there would be a Star Wars one out there.  There's not much else to say about it except to keep an eye out for the transsexual with the eyeballs in his/her breasts.  Personally, I was expecting more...like a Darth Vader clone approaching Luke:  "Luke....I am...your MOTHER!" Darth Vader takes off her mask and robes and the seduction begins.  Wow.  I need to have my imagination overhauled sometime.  That's pretty messed up.
Slutty Superheroes

Quick, to the Asscave!

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I really just wanted an excuse to post a picture of Asswoman on this page because, quite frankly, that's bizarre.  They took a Catwoman costume, found a girl with an ass the size of my bookshelf, and made a superhero out of her.  Even stranger is this girl appears in a film series called "Phat Azz", a "normal" porn series about black men having sex with big booties.  The reason that's strange is that, besides "Asswoman" all the other scenes are normal.  So its:  normal porn, normal porn, normal porn, ATTACK OF ASSWOMAN, normal porn.   Oddly enough, this scene made me want to watch Orgasmo again. 
Teacher Sex

Maybe I just had the wrong teachers but all the teachers I had were really old and/or scary.  Maybe the whole "I want to have sex with my teacher" fantasy is just an offshoot of wanting to have sex with ANYTHING that's around you.  Kind of like how people have fantasies about having sex with the girl next door, their dentist, their sister/mom (here too I feel I got gypped, no offense to my family), or whoever else might be around.  Another funny thing about most of the guys who are fucking their "teachers" or whatever is that they are FAR too old to be students of any kind.  Sure, it's a sexual fantasy, but is pretending you're a 42-year-old high school student any dorkier than pretending your a level 7 Elf ranger?  Porn where the guy pretends to be MUCH younger than he really is and has sex with a woman who's OBVIOUSLY young...it just creeps me out.  Like, I'm just watching some guy fulfill his own "I'm still young"/peaked-in-high school fantasy.  Sorry guy, big penis or not, you do not need a tutor/stripper/whore to help you with Geography 101.
Teri Weigel

Orgasms of DOOM

Porn stars are infamous for faking their orgasms.  Teri Weigel is one of the few that seem to legitimately climaxing during on-screen sex.  Of course in Teri's case that isn't always a good thing.  You see, when Teri orgasms she doesn't just scream, moan, and shudder.  Oh no, that would be too easy.  Teri's orgasms are things of legend.  Once you've seen her arms start flailing in every direction and she starts cursing like a sailor with Tourette's....that's when the fun starts.   And by "fun" I simply mean that this is the moment that Teri starts punching you repeatedly in the face.  Just saying Teri has "violent" orgasms doesn't quite cover it, as "violent" is too mild a word for a woman who tries to gouge out your eyes and screams at you about sodomizing your grandmother with a toilet brush during climax.
The Tim Burton collection

Pornos inspired by the work of Tim Burton

While this should technically go under the "bizarre" porn titles entry, I thought giving special attention to the pornos that Tim Burton was directly responsible for inspiring might be a good idea.  The list:  Edward Penishands (oh my God it's real and gave birth to 2 sequels), Ed Woody, Legend of Slutty Hollow, and Beetlejism.  Also, I'd like to point out the porno by the name of Frankenpenis is titled pretty close to Tim Burton's original film Frankenweenie.  Food for thought, right?  Since Burton's only directed a remake of the Willy Wonka film, I'm not going to consider "Willie Wanker and the Fudge Packing Factory" to truly be a part of the Tim Burton collection.  Of course, as you should know by now, ANY successful film spawns a porno. 
The Tits that Saved XXX-mas

Christmas Porn, giant Elves, and a peeping midget

Ava Devine, with a handful of other big-breasted porn stars, plays Mrs. Klaus...and she's lost that special Christmas magic.  So, what happens?  Men dressed in elf costumes stuff women's stockings and Mrs. Klaus gets ridden like a sleigh, while Christmas music plays in the background and a perverted midget watches them.  Apparently, that's the reason for the season.   I don't want to think about the Jewish version of this:  The Crotch that stole Chanukah.
Vintage Nightmare Fuel

I've already mentioned how weird it is to see porn featuring people who have been long-dead, but old porn scares me sometimes.  Sure, body hair apparently used to be sexy (:shudder:) but apparently if you go back even further you reach even creepier levels of weirdness.  Grandpa, what the hell....and why?
The Vomit Fetish

(NSFW?)

Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, WHY?  Is it just to degrade women?  Is that what gets you off?  Is it the fact that she's putting her finger down her throat?  Why the hell does vomit excite you?  I don't get it.  I don't want to get it.  This world is a terrible terrible place.  Go away.
Whore of the Rings

"We wants it....we needs it.  Give us our precious...."

Do you want to see hot Hobbit action?  Do you need to see Gollum get a blowjob?  Do you need to hear the immortal phrase: "One Cockring to rule Them ALL"?  Then you really need to see Whore of the Rings and the other Tolkien-inspired adult films.  The light-hearted of you might even fall in love with the "Ballad of Dildo Baggins."  I doubt it, but how often do I get to type dirty variations of Middle Earth classics?
Womb Raider

(Gaming Geeks Unite!)

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Gamers are geeks of the highest caliber and, as the stereotype tells us, are usually overweight smelly losers.  Well, they're not ALL like that...but I'm still not surprised someone decided to make a porn version of the already sex-driven Tomb Raider series.  Any film where a woman defeats a ninja by having sex with it is a winner in my book.  Of course that last sentence describes 80% of the films that have come out of Japan, but I'll still stand by the sentiment.
X-girls (2000)

super-powered Porn Stars!

 

(NSFW?)

With the success of the X-men movie, it's no wonder an X-rated version of the mutant team would surface.  The X-girls fight crime with their superpowers.  Of course, their powers include making any man have sex with them and making their clothing invisible.  That's not quite right, but it's not wrong either.  There are a lot of weird costumes in this, but the funny thing is that the costumes aren't any more far-fetched than those in the real X-men movie.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that the X-men are leather fetishists too, and Storm (Halle Berry) was dressed like a high-classed hooker, much like most of the cast of this film.

 

Some parting words from Jared:

I'm not a terrible person, I swear.  I hope you've enjoy this little diversion.  There's weirder porn out there, but since I'm not hardcore about my "weird porn" hobby, I haven't hunted down everything that I know is out there.  I don't know when or if I'll update this section, I suppose it depends on the amount of feedback and, well, if I find anything really weird or just want to rant about porn for a while.  Enjoy yourselves, and remember:  Never take porn too seriously.  Please.

Take me HOME!

 

This article is copyright 2005, jared von hindman, with most of the images the property of their respective owners.  If you're part of some porn conglomerate and I've offended you, just let me know.  My meager understanding of "Fair Use" laws allows for using images or parts of copyrighted material for review purposes and I think that's pretty clear on this page.   Also all pictures used here are considered sexually non-explicit, as per U.S.C section 2256.  As such they're not pornographic, even if they are lifted from a pornographic film.  Please don't sue me.  Please?  Also if I haven't made it clear and you see something and you MUST know what film it's from, let me know.  You sick, sick person you.

 

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