Halloween is the only reason we have October.

This Halloween I mutated the Strange Art section into a haven for paintings of you folks in your Halloween Costumes and my favorite monsters.  Below, you can see the results of the month, in reverse order. 

Week 6:  Post-Halloween Depression, where I tried to get you people to guess what the hell I was trying to a paint...with mixed results.

The Mystery Monsters:

   

The Answers:  "Toad the Goomba" from Super Mario Brothers, "Count Duckula" from the show of the same name, Hedorah from Godzilla VS. The Smog Monster, "The Metaluna MutANT" from This Island Earth as well as MST3K: The Movie, "The Shit Weasel" from Stephen King's Dreamcatcher.

Sadly, no one got 100% of the monsters correct....mostly due to this mysteriously and oddly drawn bastard:

It was SUPPOSED to be "Mushizo" from Ninja Scroll.  While I had to look online for his actual name, I still would have accepted "that bastard from Ninja Scroll with the beehive in his back."  By the way...if you haven't seen Ninja Scroll (and obviously far too many of you haven't), you need to watch it TONIGHT.

Congratulations and free paintings go to Collin and Chaly. 

COSTUME MADNESS:

Ninja Pirate?  Yes.

A friend of mine showed me a picture of himself as a Red Mage/Ninja of some sort.  Sadly, the costume reminded me of something else:

 

I'm not sure this is a "Halloween" picture, but who am I to argue with Opera?

Shut up.  That's funny.

Pay no attention to the pack of smokes on his right butt cheek.

If you ever wondered what the "older woman who pays all my bills" looked like, this is her.  I'm supposed to insert an overused "witch" joke here, but I don't have the heart.

Don't ask.  I don't know either. 

If you've been paying close attention, than you'd know that my friend Tiffany has already made an appearance this Halloween.  Since she already showed us pics of her as "The Clown From My Nightmares" (week one), she decided to do something different.  While she tells me she's supposed to be a vampire, we all know she went as the traditional Halloween costume for girls:  BOOBS.  It's not a criticism...I'm just pointing out that dressing up in corsets and fishnet stockings is a STAPLE of the modern woman's Halloween.

This is Samantha, a girl who passed out in the other room and was dressed as a pumpkin.  Don't ask me why I take pictures of sleeping people at parties, but I kind of dug her costume.

Speaking of people passing out at parties, around two in the morning all the cute girls of the party started passing out, plopping down all over the apartment.  The loud music played on, but girls in mini-skirts and stockings still littered every available surface.  It was kind of surreal and, if I was a pervert (which I'm not), the land of opportunity.  Not that I think about stuff like that or anything.  It's just hard NOT to in some situations.

Oh and if you're one of the girls who invited me to the party this weekend, please know that I'm really, really joking. 

This is my friend Peter, who came to the party without a costume.  Proof that Karma exists materialized when Peter's long hippy hair caught on fire and, for a brief moment, his head was a small inferno of flame.  No joke.  Sadly my first instinct was to go for my camera.  I'm such a shitty friend.  :sigh:

Say hello to the costume I made with my very own two hands.  Well, I only made the mask, but I'm still proud of myself.  Well, maybe.  I like to pretend.  That is indeed me....so that's the FIRST picture on the site of yours truly.  The only thing I wish I'd added are spooky contact lenses.  The whole "human eyes" thing ruins the costume by pointing out the inherent flaw:  I'm human.

As cool as the mask was, it was really stupid of me to design a mask that I can't wear when I want to eat, drink, or smoke when I'm going to Halloween Party.  As such, I ended up taking off the mask and running around as "that black-faced guy in the trenchcoat, latex fetish gloves, and hood" for most of the party.  (Luckily my face was blacked out to make the mask "work.")  Even better, 98% of the people at the party didn't know who I was or what I looked like (I was sort of crashing said party).  I'm not sure why, but people are really flirty with you when they can't really see your face properly.  Either that or I've got one hell of a personality....or I drank far too much.  I had a great conversation with someone at this party where we figured out that since no one knew me and couldn't recognize me outside of goofy make-up, I wasn't really at the party at all.  Drunken sense is the best sense ever.  I really hope you guys enjoyed the Halloween season as much as I did.

Stay safe and remember:  If you find a razor in your apple, it's your own damn fault for actually EATING the apple some cheapskate gave you instead of Halloween candy.  Every kid knows that if someone gives you an apple you're meant to throw it at their window.  It's a Fact.

 

Week 5:  In this town of Halloween.....I'm going to share a few of my favorite monsters and a few of my favorite things.  Bright colored monsters all tied up with string.  Or something.  Enjoy:

  The Critter Ball, from "Critters 2" (1988).  Take a small puppet with sharp teeth.  Repeat the process until you have about a hundred of them.  Then glue them together into a giant ball of hungry little monsters.  And thus you have the recipe for the weirdest "Temple of Doom" parody I've ever seen.

   My television, from "Terrorvision" (1986).  Like the television set in the movie, my TV is possessed by an evil alien intelligence that wants to show me bad movies before it eats me in my sleep.  God I love this movie.

  Pink Elephants, from "Dumbo" (1941).  How could I not point out the freakiest thing that Walt Disney ever subjected us to?  Oh, and don't forget:  the whole "pink elephant" scene from Dumbo pretty much assures us that Walt Disney did a lot of drugs before the war.

  Toad, from "Freaked" (1993).  Is it possible that you haven't seen this movie?  Starring Bobcat Goldthwait as the human sock puppet, Mr. T as the Bearded Lady, Keanu Reeves as "Ortiz, the Dog Boy", as well as Randy Quaid and Brooke Shields, this movie is awesome.  Of course it's also got Henry Rollins and George Clinton on the soundtrack.  God damn this movie is random and great.

  The Killer Condom, from "Killer Condom" (1996).  No amount of text will let me convince you that this is a GOOD movie.  As such, at least be tickled by the fact that there are multiple scenes of people running away from latex condoms with teeth.

  The Death Machine, from "Death Machine" (1996).  If you're a fan of Blade, then I suggest you take a look at this gothic cyber-punk action movie about a grunge-loving evil genius, hippy terrorists, and a machine that eats you after smelling your fear.  Oh, and the picture to the left doesn't really represent anything that happens in the movie.  I just like the idea of "Death Machine vs. a kitten."  Oh, and for you trivia fans out there:  A number of the main characters are named after directors you may have heard of: John Carpenter, Sam Raimi, and Ridley Scott.  The other characters are all company names from Ridley's movie "Alien."  You didn't need to know that, but it's a funny thing to know while you watch a giant robot eat people.

  Invaders from Mars, from "Invaders from Mars" (1986).  Tobe Hooper, the guy who hasn't made anything earth-shattering since "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", brings us a remake of an old 1950's horror movie about an evil brain from Mars and how it gets foiled by a little boy.  The weirdest thing is how the aliens use copper for power...so they're very interested in harvesting the little boy's penny collection.  I have to admit that there are very few films that go this deep into the action-packed world of coin collecting.

  Beetlejuice, from the "Beetlejuice" cartoon (1989-1990).  Beetlejuice was a great movie.  I have to confess, however, that I really enjoyed the animated cartoon based off it a hell of a lot more.  The two really don't have much to do with one on another....Hell, Lydia is apparently DATING Beetlejuice in the cartoon (or at least it's implied by the Valentine's day episode).  The show is all about random zombies and terrible puns and clowns on fire and giant diaper bombs and...well....amazing stuff.  Point is, this cartoon was on Nickelodeon 24-7 and I couldn't stop watching it.  

That's about it for monsters this Halloween Special, but stay tuned this week and next for more costume pics.    I've got a lot of monsters I wish I could have gotten around to presenting, but I think I did pretty well, truth be told.  Hell, I may extend the special another week if only to have an excuse to do a painting of Count Duckula or The Goblin King from Labyrinth.  We'll have to see how this week plays out.  Until then:

GOOFY HALLOWEEN BONUS CONTINUES:

Here are more fine readers who sent me their Halloween pictures.  Even though this is the last week of the Halloween Special, I will still paint any and ALL costume pics you send to me...and post them next week while I sit in a post-Halloween depression that only a big pile of candy can help.  Send me your Halloween party pics if you're so inclined.

My friend Larissa wanted me to create a Halloween Avatar for her.  I printed out this picture of her and painted this:

God damn, I love Halloween.

 

Week 4:  I can't thing of a clever title.  Suffice to say there are monsters in it.

Spiderman, from "Earth Versus the Spider" (2001).  You read that right.  Spiderman.  A few people got together and made a straight-to-video horror film about a comic book geek who gets bitten by a radioactive/genetically altered spider (or gets injected with a serum that's designed to give spiders special powers).  He gets super strength and the ability to shoot webbing out of his belly button.  Then things get weird when his teeth fall out to make room for his fangs and he starts sprouting extra arms and eyes.  Oh and Dan Aykroyd is in it too.  Weird, right?

  Pumpkinhead, from "Pumpkinhead" (1989).  I've talked about this film before, but I will reiterate:  While the Pumpkinhead monster may not be the awesome, his theme song, which considers only of children chanting "Pumpkinhead...Pumpkinhead...PUMPKINHEAD,"  is awesome.  Let it me known. Forever and ever and ever.  Amen.

  Monstro, from "Pinocchio" (1940).  Is it totally lame that I was afraid of the giant whale in Pinocchio when I was little?  The answer is of course yes.  That doesn't make it any less true.  :sigh:

  The Crab Man, from "Zebraman" (2004).  I find it hilarious that so many Japanese movies that are coming out today are infinitely better than a lot of the poop Hollywood is selling right now.  Zebraman is potentially the best superhero movie ever.  I mean that.  It's kind of satirical but it's also the most realistic superhero flick, if you can believe that.  Damn it.  I'm too much of a Zebraman fan boy to be objective.  Oh and "The Crab Man" is a minor thief in the film who murders women with scissors while he wears a Crab-like hat.  Don't ask.  It's a good movie damn it.  Really.  Believe me.  Please?

  The Human Venus Flytrap, from "The Mutations" (1973).  Don't ask me why, but when Donald Pleasence turns people into half-man half-plant monstrosities, they all tend to grow trenchcoats out of leaves.  It's weird that nature has such an inherent sense of fashion. 

  The Hunter and The Diak, both from "Immortal (ad vitam)" (2004).  I'll warn you:  This movie is both a Science Fiction film as well as an Art film.  If that doesn't scare you off, then you'll enjoy this weird movie about a condemned Egyptian god trying to procreate in a cyberpunk city of the future.  The Diak (spelling?) is a member of a race of flying gelatinous squid hammerhead sharks.  Flying shark aliens that can become liquid and sneak into your apartment through your drain.  Christ.  The Hunter (the first pic) is a half-human half-Diak mutation that a genetics company keeps as a tracker.  Both are pretty scary as hell, even if they have almost NOTHING to do with the plot of the movie.

The Monsturd, from "Monsturd" (2003).  There is a movie out there about a killer poo monster.  I don't want to talk about it and, if you ask yourself and answer honestly, neither do you.

GOOFY HALLOWEEN BONUS CONTINUES:

My vow to paint whatever Halloween pictures you send me moves onward. If you're interested, send them my way by clicking HERE.  Since I can't pass out candy online, this will have to do. 

I've got more of these saved up for next week but let me say this:  I will continue the Halloween Costume portion of the site into the first week of November because, quite frankly, I don't know many people who take pictures of their costume until the night they decide to wear it. 

It kind of bothers me that I thought of that in the first 3 seconds of looking at the original picture.

The child was just too cute.  Also, don't ask me why I designed her hat to be like that one character from Fat Albert.  It was a whim.

 

Week 3:  The week of (mostly) obscure monsters where I don't talk about them too much:

  Chattering Teeth, from "Quicksilver Highway" (1997).  Potentially the dumbest monster Stephen King has ever created, the "Chattering Teeth" are undeniably lame.  A murderous wind-up toy with Mickey Mouse legs that craves human flesh.  What's next?  Rubber vomit that wants your soul?

  The Guardian/Beholder, from "Big Trouble in Little China" (1986)/"Dungeons and Dragons" (2000).  Even though I don't play Dungeons and Dragons, there is a very special place in my heart for a giant flying monster covered with eyes.  Don't ask me why.

   Satanic Cannibal in Yeti costume, from "Shriek of the Mutilated" (1974).  "Shriek" is all about a bunch of anthropology students going out into the woods to find a yeti.  The whole thing ends up being part of the master plan of a cult of cannibals....including the fact that the members are dressing up like a yeti to draw attention away from their murders.  Apparently the police ignore all "yeti-related" homicides or something.  Oh and the name of the picture is "Pay No Attention to the Man behind the Zipper." 

  The Alien, from "Alien" (1979).   Alien from "Alien."  What more can I say?

Torgo, from "Manos:  Hands of Fate" (1966).  If you know about this film, then you're probably a Mystery Science Theater fan.  If your not and don't get the joke, then all I can say is that "Manos: Hands of Fate" has the best "housewives of Satan wrestling in togas" scene ever. 

)That girl with 3 boobs, from "Total Recall" (1990).  I know she's not a monster, but in a film filled with a handful of select and screwed up mutants, robots, and nasal-invading weapons, the only thing EVERYONE remembers about this film is the "girl with the three boobs."   Three-breasted mutants on Mars.  Thank you Total Recall.

  THE THING THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED, from The X-files.  There is an episode that no one seems to remember.  It involves a small legless Hindu guy (who has all sorts of magical swami abilities) who smuggles himself into America via an obese man's ass.  No joke.  There is an episode of the X-files where a small Indian guy crawls up people's butts.  Skully even performs an autopsy, commenting on the "anal tearing" that has mysteriously occurred.  Personally, I think this was one of the X-file episodes that was made on a dare.  I also find it to be the most scary, as what inspires terror more than a tiny man who wants to crawl up your butt?

Update:  This hadn't been on the site for more than 20 minutes when I got this message in an email:

"I was just reading your site and felt you needed to know that in that episode of X-Files which you commemorated with a painting the Thing That Shall Not Be Named, the extremely large ass in which the creature was smuggled belonged to my good friend Calvin Remsberg, an LA actor and director."

All I can say is poor, poor Calvin.

There are no costume pictures this week because I've been hella busy.

Week 2:  The Things of Nightmares (and yet another Fishman):

     Jack Frost, from "Jack Frost" (1997).  There just aren't enough "killer snowmen" flicks out there.  Jack Frost (and its sequel, "Jack Frost 2") are personal favorites of mine...because they suck so much.  I've rambled on about how much I love/hate Jack Frost before.  Check it out HERE.  The truly scary things (and I'm not specifically talking about Jack here) are things that are familiar but alien.  Things from your childhood that have been corrupted.  To some people this includes snowmen.  To others, it might include clowns.

     Killer Clowns from Outer Space, from Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988).  Jesus.  Is there anyone on the planet NOT traumatized by this film?  I rewatched this film and, for the love of God, it's still as unnerving as it was when I was seven.  Now, it's not a good film.  Aliens (that look like clowns) come to a small town in a ship designed to look like a circus tent and, well, kill a bunch of people in comedic ways.  By "comedic" I mean things like killing a guy by shoving their clown fist into his corpse and making him into an obscene rotting hand-puppet, or when they turn people to goo and drink their blood through a funny straw.  Isn't that funny?  No, I'm not scared of clowns.  I'm scared of THESE clowns.

    Bernard "I've got a crotch on my chest" Phillips, from "God Told Me To" (1976).  I'm going to guess that a lot of you haven't seen this film.  Here's the rundown:  Random people start going on killing sprees because they heard the voice of God and it told them to kill everyone.  There's a detective hunting down some psycho responsible (maybe he's psychic or something) and he ends up cornering the bad guy.  Instead of the usual fight to the finish, the bad guy explains how they had the same mother who was abducted by aliens and how they're both half-aliens.  That's not the scary part.  The terrifying part is when the bad guy unbuttons his chest and tries to convince our hero to have sex with his chest-vagina.  Apparently the "half-alien" part of the bad guy shows itself via female genitalia on his chest.  Can you imagine what a great last ditch move that is?  "Oh crap I'm cornered!  My only hope is to convince him to have sex with my alien naughty bits!"  Of course the sex doesn't happen.  Just like it would happen in reality, everyone involved spontaneously combusts.  Because suggesting "homosexual alien incestuous relations involving chest cavities" is the secret to making people explode.

   Dr. Channard, from "Hellraiser 2" (1988).  Instead of highlighting Pinhead or one of the other Cenobites, how about I talk for a moment about the ugly little cousin who killed them all?  When they made the sequel to Hellraiser, they thought that the mythology or just spooky special effects were what made the original film a hit.  They did NOT think that Pinhead and his pals were particularly "marketable" at the time.  As such, during the Cenobites' second scene, the new guy (Dr. "I've got worms coming out of my hands" Channard) kills them ALL in about ten seconds.  They're all dead.  Very dead.  It was pretty disappointing.  Apparently, all you have to do to kill Pinhead is to stab him in the chest.  There was more to it, but really:  Dr. Channard is the guy who killed Pinhead....for realz.  That's got to be worth something, even if the fans demanded that he be brought back for 27 sequels after this film.  :sigh:

  The Creature, from "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" (1954).  You should know by now that I love fish monsters.  It should be obvious.  Say hello to the classic Fishman...even if he was only based on the gimmick of building a scuba tank into a rubber monster costume.  Oh, and there was not a third "Creature" film.  It never happened.  You can read about how much it didn't happen by clicking HERE.

  The Boogeyman, from FAR TOO MANY FILMS BY THAT NAME.  Whether you're talking about the recent film or the bajillion that were made in the 80's or that episode of the Twilight Zone/Outer Limits/Tales from the Darkside/Tales from the Crypt, we've all seen something about the Boogeyman.  The idea of a monster that lives in your closet or just a guy who's hiding under your bed waiting for you to go to sleep so he can make a pair of boxers out of your skin....it's all pretty universal. (Though maybe not that part about the boxers.)  The Boogeyman is just a more respectable way of saying you're afraid of the dark. 

   Cthulhu, from........nothing?  Can it be true?  Is it possible that there has never really been a film featuring or even about the lord of chaos, Cthulhu?  H.P. Lovecraft's Elder God has inspired so much in film it's hard to believe that this year is the first when people are actually trying to cash in on the monster and not just the name.  I say trying....because I haven't seen Cthulhu on the big screen yet.  (His only small-screen appearance, as far as I can tell, was on an episode of the Ghostbuster's cartoon.  How pathetic is that?)  Maybe I'm wrong.  If you've seen Cthulhu and want to yell at me, by all that is unholy and Lovecraftian....let me know.

 

GOOFY HALLOWEEN BONUS CONTINUES:

My vow to paint whatever Halloween pictures you send me moves onward. If you're interested, send them my way by clicking HERE.  Since I can't pass out candy online, this will have to do. 

I'm sorry, but I, like any male, have a soft spot for any woman who dresses up like a comic book character.  I have room in my basement for them, too.

Mixed media is so much fun to work with.

It's not exactly a Halloween picture is it?  Oh well.  Take a good look at what the Big Boy's staring at.  If you said "Ireland" then your answer would be partially correct.

I don't know if I was supposed to draw attention to The King's unnatural/scary crotch bulge.

So I did anyway. (Sorry Steve.)

There's no way I can make that any cuter than it is already.

 

 

Week 1:  The Week of Far Too Many Fishmen:

   Dracula, from what can only be described as a bajizillion movies.  I'll be honest:  I'm not a huge Dracula fan.  Maybe it's because I've seen far too many vampire movies.   Maybe it's because I associate vampires with a geeky role playing game and a girlfriend who liked to bite me.  So why is he here?  Dracula (or any vampire really) deserves to be here because he was THE first.  Nosferatu (you know, the Dracula novel knock-off) generated enough interest and success that it guaranteed a place for horror films for, well, ever as far as I can tell.  I hope you enjoyed recognizing this monster, because it's time to dive into obscure land.

 Ro-man, from Robot Monster (1953).  Let's say you decide to make a science fiction movie.  You don't have a lot of money, so you have to throw together an alien very, very quickly.  What do you do?  If you answered "put a diving helmet with television antennae glued to it on a guy wearing a gorilla suit," then you're the reincarnation of Phil Tucker, the director of Robot Monster.  Ro-man is on Earth to destroy the humans, but ends up lusting after one of the last 5 humans on Earth and well, tries to rape her.  Later we find out the whole film was a dream/fantasy of the girl's ten-year-old brother....which is sort of disturbing when you think about it.  If the whole thing was the creation of a little boy, why the hell was rape such an important plot device?  Gah.

  Rana, from Rana:  Legend of Shadow Lake (1981).  Take a look at that picture.  That is indeed a Fishman (technically a Frogman) vomiting frogs at someone....because that's what he does in the movie.  Sure, he doesn't do it that directly, but if you want a movie about a killer fish/frog monster that coughs up an army of amphibians from his stomach, then this movie is for you.  Personally, this may be my favorite Fishman movie, if only for the scene where the frogs attempt to "nibble someone to death."

One seriously messed-up Fish-Monster, Leviathan (1989).  A deep-sea mining crew bring back infected Russian vodka they find that quickly starts turning a few members of the crew into fishmen/squid hybrids.  Basically, there's a killer fish-monster loose in their underwater base in a matter of minutes.  Not so bad, right?  What if that monster needed human blood to survive?  What if you turned into one if it bit you?  What if, if it were to catch you, it would keep you alive by making you part of its body so that you wouldn't die?  You'd just be this vestigial limb hanging off the side of a spooky-ass Fishman with tentacles.  It doesn't kill you...it absorbs you and carries you around on it's back, thighs, and ass.  That really, really sucks.

 The Thing, from Destination Inner Space (1966).  A deep sea research facility starts tracking a UFO that's traveling underwater.  Eventually they steal an egg from it, which opens to reveal a spontaneously full-grown Fish-monster/Alien.  What's memorable about this film (because it really is a boring piece of crap, to be honest) is the fact that when they designed the fish-alien, they decided to base him off tropical fish.  So the alien's all colorful, with long flowing fins that do nothing but look oddly pretty as he's mutilating divers.  Killer monsters that are pretty stand out in my mind for some reason. 

Uxa Cambarro, from Dagon (2001).  Literally adapted from H.P. Lovecraft's "Dagon" and "The Shadow Over Innsmouth,"  the film Dagon is honestly a good movie.  I know I talk about bad movies all the time, but know that when I suggest a film that I mean it.  Dagon is from Stuart Gordon (director of Re-animator and a lot of crappy movies), so it's hard to believe, but Dagon is part of Brian Yuzna's Latin filming company that's been doing wonders cinematically over the past few years.  Back on topic:  Dagon has Cthulhu's children running around all over a small Spanish town and, according to every male that's watched the film with me, a "totally hot chick with tentacles" that's trying to seduce the main character.  Throw in one of the Elder Gods forcing himself on someone and a surprise ending, and you have a pretty kick-ass movie. 

  ALF, from his television show (1986-1990).  I have a confession to make.  When I was a kid, I was terrified of Alf.  Sure he was funny, but his obsession with eating cats and the fact that they'd switch from a puppet to a midget running in a costume....It's hard to explain, so I'll drop it.  In retrospect, I enjoy the show...but when I was a few feet shorter, he gave me the willies.  Speaking of Willies, when I painted that picture I could have sworn the main character's name was Harry.  Turns out I was wrong.  Oh, well.

 

GOOFY HALLOWEEN BONUS:

GOT COSTUMES?

Remember, this month I will post and paint all Halloween Costume Pictures that you email to me.  If you're interested, send them by clicking HERE.  Since I can't pass out candy online, this will have to do.

 

Say hello to Sara's pet, also known as "Chucky the Chicken Cat."

If there is a Hell for cats, it has to involve them being forced to wear embarrassingly cute costumes.

This is Zab (she's a pirate).

This is my friend Tiffany.  I'm glad to know that she doesn't dress as "The Clown from my Nightmares" on a regular basis.

Since I didn't get too many pictures, here's an old Halloween picture of me in a wig as "Deep Fried Man."  He kills you by slowly clogging your arteries, apparently.

 

Well.  That's it.  For now.

 

Take me back to the Specials!

 

All images copyright 2005 Jared von Hindman...except of course the stuff that isn't.